What must they think of me?
by Gregor Stronach
Every day, I receive insane amounts of email to my account, exhorting me to take part in all manner of pursuits, ranging from the obscene to the physiologically impossible, from the dangerous to the ridiculous, and from the quasi-legal to downright forbidden.
And it's being sponsored by Microsoft. Thanks Bill - here's an invoice for the time it takes me to clear my inbox day in, day out.
Why, just today I received a message from Jennall. She (he?) has invited me to take part in a very special offer. All I have to do is send them $199, and I'll get rich. According to the very professional-looking flowchart she provided, I'll make over $76,000.
Or - someone will at any rate.
I don't know what 'Jill' thinks my problem is, but she has sent me not one, not two, but five pleas to buy her brand of herbal viagra. I'm not sure I need her product at all - I have checked the reproductive capacity of my ferns and they look healthy enough.
The improbably named 'Joe Dorotheahnoythepub' claims to be able to cure 157 degenerative diseases, but considering his message contained nothing but broken links to non-existant images, I doubt his product cures either blindness or gross stupidity.
The equally impossibly-named 'Maeve Saskiamkjpbgufakc' says that with her doctor approved pills, I can add one to three inches to my penis. I checked the link, and she sells these little marvels in packs of ten. I question the methodology and contraindications of such a medicine though - the only way I can see that these pills are going to make Mr Winky any longer is if I glue them to the tip. I'll never get laid looking like that...
The message I received from 'email@example.com' filled me with hope. Free debt relief! It promised. I have forwarded their details to several of the African leaders I know - I hope they do something sensible with my advice this time.
The folks at 'Summer Diet' are offering me a way to lose 10-12 pounds in just two days. I wrote them back, saying that spending 48 hours having my feet gnawed of by rats just isn't an option, but thanks for thinking of me.
Grania Will told me that I'm losing over 100 hairs a day. I'm not worried, because given the amount of 'Free Porn!' that I'm being sent at the moment, I can only surmise that the hair I'm losing is coming off my palms, and not my head.
Jessy, a name I thought I had forgotten, sent me an invitation to "F*ck her A*s" today. I'm speechless. Last time I saw her, she slapped my face for trying to kiss her... and it's not like I needed reminding that her "A*s" is "so tight" - she refused to pay for either the movie or dinner when we went out last week.
I'm worried about the company that Jessy is keeping, though. Several of her friends have also emailed me with similar invitations - she must have told them how nice a guy I am. I'll admit, I can turn on the charm with the best of them, but all of these offers for sex... I might need Jill's herbal remedy after all.
But I think my favourite email today came from Kim Chase, who sent me some information on Hunza Bread - a bread that "Miraculously Stops Your Appetite And Hunger". Something ordinary bread can't do, apparently...
I wish I could get my hotmail account spam filter to work.
I could probably then stop thinking of myself as an overweight, financially crippled, limp-dicked sexual desperado who wants to take part in pyramid schemes with the interest-free credit that overseas government bonds can provide in order to have spending money for the five trips to Fiji that I've won in the past 24 hours.
The Hotmail staff must think terrible things about me - but I just don't know. I've emailed them over 400 times, and never once have they replied.
I think they hate me.
Gregor Stronach is an inbox warrior.