Critics are leaping with unbridled joy over Martin Scorsese's return to children's cinema. His little-known first feature, Little Jim-Jim and the Cuddleflumps, opened in 1965 to widespread thigh-slapping; critics were disappointed when he then moved into adult film in 1968 and produced feature after feature about angry Italian-Americans in various "comedy" situations. This new film is said to be a return to his roots, and follows the adventures of a small octopus as he attempts to gather together an orchestra.
Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Jim Carrey and Rupert Everett are set to star in the nondescript thriller, Hat, wherein a gang of misfits set out on a perfectly innocent adventure, but soon find themselves completely out of their depth. George Clooney is rumoured to provide the comic relief as an oversexed man with no arms who is forced to masturbate with his feet.
Stone the crows! Adam Sandler's back for more hilarious hi-jinks and rib-tickling capers in his latest magnificent outing. Advance reviews have been blistering: "Sandler is a terrifically funny comic genius, even if he isn't British," stated the Independent, while the News of the World explained that "he hasn't got tits but we still love him." Jennifer Love Hewitt stars as his love interest, while Christina Ricci preens like a duck who's lost her way. Batman Enough opens this Christmas.
Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich are to release a new movie in a bid to reclaim their former box office status. Again. Having discovered that not even a flick about fuck-off giant spiders will get them a hit following Godzilla, rumour has it that they locked themselves in a room with a couple of kilos of skunk and started writing ideas on the wall in their own shit and puke. The resulting feature, Edward Knobtop Pokeypokey Pants, stars Judge Reinhold as a teenage boy forced to live for eternity with a selection of physical deformities, while Robert Loggia and Stephen Baldwin are a pair of singing gargoyles. The music is provided by Peter Jackson jumping up and down on a box.
The girl from Hanson is to create a musical based on the life of her and her two brothers, with elements taken from the classic situation comedy, Mister Ed. Through its three hour running time, it reveals how Wilbur and Carol Hanson discovered their oldest son Isaac in a barn behind their house. The band's popularity has diminished somewhat since it emerged that Mmm Bop was originally a Nazi marching song, but die-hard fans should love it nonetheless.
Whitney Houston! Uma Thurman! Billy Bob Thornton! Spleen spleen spleen spleen spleen.
The Disney Corporation is releasing the very first American movie specifically for a modern British audience: Blimey Charlie. Starring Dick Van Dyke and James Marsters, the Corporation promises not to allow the audience to feel anything except mirth at the endless stream of knob jokes and references to the funny people on the continent. The big finale incorporates veteran comic Jim Davidson telling "blue" stories while standing on a raincloud and drinking a cup of English Breakfast, backed by genius musicians Simply Red.
Frankie 1212's new album, Self-Referential, is out on September 15. Frontman Frank Sinatra, who is quoted as saying "big up, yo", has enlisted a number of contemporary musicians to aid him in his set of swing standards set to churning "ghetto guitar" riffs. Eminem duets with him on Somethin' Stupid, while Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg freestyle menacingly over Have You Met Miss Jones. The best bit of the album, however, is when Sinatra and guest artist Moby punch a kidnapped, sedated Britney Spears in the stomach in time to New York, New York. Talk of a Mercury Music Prize abounds.