News roundup: March 2002

THE DEAD SEA has been revived. A team of Jordanian vivoceanologists achieved the feat by applying electrical shocks of up to 4MW in rapid pulses to strategic points along the sea's eastern coast. Ali Al-Alalal, leader of the expedition, was "overjoyed" by the unprecedented success. Members of the team added that the high salt content of the sea is ideal for marine resurrection, as well as making it an excellent condiment for continental-scale beef-based meals. Upon its revival, the Dead Sea showed strong tides, before leaving in an easterly direction. It is currently thought to be resident in Iran. The team have vowed to continue their activities, naming as their next goal a plan to construct a companion for the Lonely Mountain. * * * THE LARGEST deity yet recorded in the wild has been successfully tagged in the Black Forest. At an estimated two kilograms, it dwarfs the previous record holder, a four hundred gram Thor washed up near Cape Cod in 1902. "Most people are surprised by the size of an average god," said deologist Sholeena Bumblecreek yesterday. "They don't realise that they're usually only a few inches high. They're actually quite sweet little critters." * * * REPORTS THAT Henry Kissinger had three penises have been given a new lease of life by the discovery that Idi Amin had a vagina on his right shoulder. "This is exciting news," said a man in a statement. "The field of political genital proliferation now seems a whole lot more inviting." Experts are now working feverishly on archived photos of the recently deceased Kissinger, checking hundred of images of trouser-bulges for signs of other phallic objects. A leader in the field, Martin Smallcurving, warned against complacency yesterday: "It's by no means certain, even if we find what we're looking for. He might just have a gun in his pocket. We can't assume straight away that he was pleased to see us." Meanwhile, pressure is mounting on David Blunkett to admit that his 'eyes' are, in fact, a brace of spare testicles. * * * TUNISIAN MERCHANTS have confirmed earlier reports of the existence of Europe. Preliminary trading camps have been set up, with extensive missions planned to ascertain whether the land mass is already inhabited. Many Germans and Italians will await the results of these undertakings with baited breath. However, not everyone is so optimistic about the affair. "It's not a patch on Morocco," said one of the original party in a news conference today. "I don't really see why we need another bunch of mountains and vegetation. It's just a bit shit, really. Can I interest you in a new carpet?" * * * THE OFFICIAL MTV dictionary was published earlier this week. Protests of "dumbing down" were quashed by MTV president Harvey Quilk. "We've almost tripled the number of words in it," he pointed out. "The number now is literally in double figures." * * * CARTOGRAPHY IN China has been temporarily suspended after a smudged line by a leading map-maker demolished hundreds of settlements in southern Wyoming. An international incident seemed inevitable as the displaced residents marched on Guildford to demand the immediate reconstruction of their homes. The mayor of the town is reported to be "saddened but helpless" by their loss, adding that, based on maps provided by HM Ministry of Cartography, the Surrey market town had been the capital of Uzbekistan, rather than China, since 1976. * * * CENSORSHIP HAS been

speech only if

"balderdash" by the Secretary of State.

* * * VAGUE NEWS articles have been reported to be on the rise. Evidence was produced and the results can be seen. Some people have opinions on the subject, although a governmental body may soon release a document. * * * REAL MADRID football club have admitted their status as a nuclear power. Underground tests held recently angered Barcelona supporters, although their screams were brief. "We couldn't think of anything else to spend the money on," said the club's chairman, adding that the Spanish outfit's finances had been excessively buoyant since the transfer of Roberto Carlos to Lazio for all the money in the world. Meanwhile in Italy Juventus have embarked on a controversial plan to buy every existing player with an EU passport, effectively limiting all EU opposition to three players per game. The strategy was described as "excellent... excellent... yeesss" by Silvio Berlusconi on Tuesday. * * * SHIT WENT down in Da-Nang again last week, according to preliminary reports from villagers in the region. The descending shit had been thought to have stopped in the late eighties, but if confirmed this story may well see a return to the overcoats and wipe-clean umbrellas that marked the height of the Vietnam war. The Da-Nang tourist board is said to be "pleased" by the news. Tourism in the area declined sharply after 1992 when Charlie finally moved from the trees to a bungalow in Wandsworth. * * * THE COURT case of an Aberdeen man who recieved a broken jaw from an overcharged pop-up ad on has been rescheduled for April 25th. * * * THE SUPREME Court has ruled that Nebraska must significantly increase the variation in its topology within two months. The decision comes after a landmark suit brought by relatives of fourteen travellers who suffered brain damage from boredom brought about by travel across the state. Portions of Alaska are thought to be interested in a move to the area.

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