A little knowledge ...

I've been doing some reading. And some thinking. It's about an issue that I once professed to have no knowledge of, but still thought it to be a bad thing. Now - having taken some of my critics' advice and done some research, I feel that I can now speak freely and at length. It's globalisation, and it's a hideous plot by twenty-foot-long, blood-drinking lizards to control the world.

I'm not kidding - some of the current crop of anti-globalisation nutbags would have you believe that the world is controlled by giant lizards from outer space who are fighting over fifteen mythical portals, thirteen of which no-one knows the whereabouts of. I'm happy to report that one of them appears to be in my apartment, which would certainly explain some mysterious malodorous apparitions, and the constant disappearance of my car keys.

There are two schools of thinking on the topic of bringing about the downfall of globalisation, and they don't appear to be compatible. Let's take a quick look at them both.

From the left of the political divide, we have the anti-globalisation protesters and activists that for the most part believe in peaceful protest - until the media arrives, at which point it's pretty much open slather on anyone in a uniform. Scientologists and Salvation Army Officers beware when this rampaging mob smells blood in the streets - you'll be first against the wall in a hail of head lice for daring to wear epaulettes in public.

The lefties believe globalisation to be a bad thing because it's unfair to the bulk of humanity. Australia will remain pretty much unscathed by the unstoppable global marketplace, so instead they tend to prefer to point out that everyone in a developing nation is being sold into slavery to produce first-world consumer goods.

This is all well and good for most of us, who don't seem to care that the clothes we wear, and paid good money for, cost virtually nothing to make and were in fact probably hand stitched by lepers in some mountainous Pacific Rim country with lax child labour laws.

This form of leftism seems to be stemming from Europe, where the art of protest has been honed over thousands of years, and they're used to being sprayed with tear gas, mace and rubber bullets for their efforts. I applaud these crustaceans for their insistence that it's ok to drop out of useful society in order to protect a feeling of global harmony that I doubt has ever existed. Go, good lefties, go.

Now, the flip side of the anti-globalisation cause is coming from the far right, and is much more prevalent in the United States than anywhere else. These guys are the true crazies, who believe that globalisation is a bad thing because of all the other things the people in charge of it are doing.

For instance, according to some folks, not only are multinationals in bed with the US government, but the CEOs and elected representatives are also running child sex-slave rings from the Whitehouse. Better yet, there's the lizard claims (I'm yet to see proof - one would expect that if these lizards are the kinds that routinely shed their skins, there'd be an awful lot of scaly detritus on the floor of the oval office - insert crusty semen stain joke here...)

If someone were able to get the lizard-catchers to talk to the communists, I'm sure a result would be achieved. I'm positive that shadowy, elitist organisations such as the Bilderberg Group would run scared like beaten slaves at the hands of a united front.

But sadly, it will never come about, despite the fact that the bulk of what is being said by the pillars of protest on both sides is nearly identical. We're doomed forever, because the divide is too great to overcome, despite the common goal. War has a tendency to make strange bedfellows, but if the far right were to lie down with the extreme left, I'm sure that even the laws of physics would conspire against us, curving space and time to make the entire planet, along with the fifteen mythical portals, disappear forever leaving nowhere for the lizards to fight amongst themselves.

By the way, if you are a lizard, I'd like to hear from you. Contact me via Rum & Monkey, and we'll do lunch. I'll bring the beer, you bring the insects.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...