Rum and Monkey: Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?

Enjoy today - it may be your last.

You heard me. Thanks to the foolishness of various world leaders, the world is spiralling into a heartless void of painful oblivion. Governments are secretly pitted against governments; international terrorist organisations are remixing the geopolitical landscape to introduce their own hardcore sounds.

The result, surely, is widespread nuclear badness. Society as we know it will be ripped apart by the bomb - but some brave people will survive. Could you be one of them? Could you?

Yes, enjoy today. You will never know freedom again.

A live alligator is chasing you, and it's got an army of particularly angry hippos in tow. Do you ...

Run away, fast

Launch into the Electric Six's novelty hit Danger! High Voltage and assume the rampaging beasts will get into the nu-disco groove

Evolve more quickly and fly into the ether

Attempt to woo the alligator into a sadistic game of love

Soil your pants, your trousers, and half a sock

Are you the bomb?

Fo' sure, yo

I have not yet earned my ghetto stripes, and therefore am not the bomb.

I all da bombs!

No, the bomb was the seventy kiloton device that destroyed the city and most of the people who lived there, and melted the flesh from the skeletons of most of the survivors, you insensitive bastard.

It's the end of the world as we know it. Seriously, it is, and your Messiah of choice has returned to collect the good souls and inject them into [heaven / eternal bliss / valhalla / a new life as a noble animal / enlightenment / a corporate sponsorship deal - delete as appropriate]. Or, rather, that's what you think He's come back to do, until he pulls out his Uzi and starts cracking some skulls. What do you do?

Whip out some kung fu moves and put Jesus on ice

Cower in the corner, rock forwards and backwards and whisper, "you are a mighty God, you are a mighty God," over and over again

Assume it is God's Divine Will and walk into the hail of bullets

Wait for Superman to arrive and watch the best goddamn fight you've ever seen

Masturbate

There are only two people left on Earth; one is you, and the other is a spankingly gorgeous human being, who you instantly develop a pants-spoilingly powerful lust for. It's up to you to restart the human race from scratch - but they are bleeding to death. You're in the middle of the desert - what do you do?

Tear off your clothes and use them as a makeshift tourniquet

Tear off their clothes and use them as a makeshift tourniquet

Engage in the sexy stuffs - whatever happens, happens

Watch them die while chuckling quietly to yourself

So, your city's power has gone off. Without their computers, DVD players, Sony Walkmen, electric nosehair trimmers or all-important TV sets, people are running screaming through the streets. Literally. So what's your reaction?

Run through the streets. Literally

Find several kilos of potatoes and use them as a sort of makeshift power station. When the power comes back on, make chips. Or little friends

Pillage

Wander the neighbourhood in a seemingly innocent way; when nobody's looking, pick up random strangers and mince them for food and use their bones to keep your fire stoked. Ignore the screaming, even as it haunts you at night

Make a new city out of old pyjamas; make sure this one has power

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