News roundup: November 2002

THE WAR AGAINST Terrorism was won yesterday with the simulataneous surrender of every terrorist group in the world. "It was the declaring war on us that did it," said Mullah Omar as he handed in his Kalashnikov. "Up till then everyone was fine with us blowing things up and assassinating our political rivals, but obviously they changed their minds." George W. Bush received rapturous applause at the White House before beginning his speech. "Some people thought that The War Against Terrorism was a damn-fool idea, with no real purpose, no practical application and a stupid acronym. They thought it was a blatant piece of opinion-poll bolstering, idiot-exploiting propaganda the only notable effect of which would to openly rile thousands of heavily-armed fanatical groups with nothing to lose into attacking a large and vulnerable enemy with few means of anticipating such an attack, as well as endangering innocent American citizens abroad unnnecessarily, with no noticeable gain except in my own re-election prospects. Well, I guess they were wrong, huh."

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HOWEVER, MORE RECENT reports suggest The War Against Drugs was lost early this morning, with Washington and the surrounding area being declared a District of Colombia.

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THE CIA ADMITTED that North Korea may have nuclear capability today. Speaking from the smouldering ruins of Chicago, a senior spokessnoop said that the organisation was "seriously considering the possibility that the state in question had acquired such weaponry" and "looking into a possible link with the sale of 200 nuclear warheads to the state in question by the United States government last year". He then appeared to pull swathes of blotchy, peeling skin from his harrowed features before gushing blood from every orifice and collapsing in a heap of being dead.

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PAT ROBERTSON ISSUED further denials of Evolutionary Theory on Saturday, flying in the face of a team of scientists who had presented him with the re-animated corpses of his entire family tree dating back to the primordial slime, who took turns explaining exactly how they had adapated to their various environments and which genes they had passed on to their descendants. Robertson also refused to "pay any credence" to a delegation consisting of God, Jesus, the archangel Gabriel and all 10,000+ known saints, who had arrived to explain in great detail every aspect of evolution that Robertson had failed utterly to understand. Again.

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SADDAM HUSSEIN'S REMARKABLE 100% election majority was called into question by UN observers yesterday, after a video was found of Saddam gleefully voting against himself. "Look, I can even do this and I still win," he giggled, shoving the ballot paper into the box like a soldier's erection into a defenceless Kurdish nun. Rivals demanded a recount after seeing the video. Saddam responded by demanding a recount of his rivals, which found that he had none. Meanwhile, members of the Bush clan were said to exchange "significant glances" upon hearing the election results.

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AN ACCIDENT AT A United Nations dinner has caused great alarm in the international community. The incident occurred around 7.40pm last night, when a waiter tripped over the recumbent body of Alan Greenspan and dropped a roasted poultry dish on the floor. "This has potentially disastrous consequences," commented a sombre Kofi Annan this morning. "What we witnessed last night was the downfall of Turkey and the break-up of China, and, I fear, the overthrow of Greece." Observers have noted that the accident could have been much worse for sensitive members had Chile been involved, although the dish is believed to have contained at least one Oxo Cuba. Meanwhile, emergency measures have been put into place, including the visit of a delegation to Iceland for replacement supplies.

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REVENGE ATTACKS BY heavily-armed psychopaths on journalists guilty of "terrible and sustained punnage" have risen sharply over the last few days, according to Home Office figures. Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell stated that, while she had not heard the puns in question, she disapproved of this sort of thing, whatever it might be. Meanwhile, in other news, reports that the maniac behind the campaign of retribution is right behind me have been verified, and key witnesses have been found to be gesturing at me frantically. A spokesman for me has declined to comment, stating only "please don't kill me," before making a doomed attempt to barricade the door. Latest updates indicate that I'm going to die, oh shit here he is, he's in the fucking door and he's got a shotgun, and he's about to

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