News roundup: May 2002

THE POPE TODAY sparked widespread controversy by declaring the anal rape of choirboys by paedophile priests to be "probably quite a bad thing". His comments come in the wake of his reported surprise that Galileo Galilei had not thus far come forward to accept the Pope's apology for his torture and imprisonment by the Catholic Church. A spokesman for the Retired Cardinal's Association and Social Club welcomed the decision, adding that, in his opinion, anal paedophile rape "might count against one in one's bid to go to Heaven". Pressure will now mount on the Pope to deem heroin-fuelled genocidal ethnic obliteration on a continental scale a "sin", according to one anonymous current Archbishop of New York. * * * HENRY KISSINGER has refused to comment on his refusal to comment on his silence over the Penisesgate affair, about which he earlier declined to speak. Meanwhile, David Blunkett has been declared an arse by law, after ground-breaking cross-party legislation passed yesterday afternoon. * * * EXPLETIVES AND FOUL language are on the rise, according to a new report published by ASA this week. "They're everywhere," commented some cunt on the street earlier. * * * BRITAIN HAS LOST the island of Tristan da Cunha. Last seen over six months ago, fears are growing for the 300 residents, while many doubt that the police force, whose name is Allan, will be able to handle the mass panic thought to be mounting on the island. "We did know where it was," commented a baffled Royal Navy spokesrearadmiral. "But we've, well, we've lost it. Bloody stupid place to put it anyway - middle of the South Atlantic. If it was the Atlantic. Maybe it was the Pacific. We can't remember, to tell you the truth." * * * THE CHIEF OF STAFF of the US military, General Henry Shelton, has called upon Osama bin Laden to start giving hints as to his location. "It's just unfair," he added in the official statement. "He could be anywhere. He should give us a chance." bin Laden's reply, on an anonymously delivered videotape received shortly afterwards, pointed out that no-one had, as yet, tagged him and that General Shelton was "still It". * * * BILL GATES' GOLDEN jubilee was almost ruined yesterday by a suspected security leak. After scenes of panic and disruption muted only by his overwhelming personal charm and charisma, the reports of security were found to be untrue and probably propagated by godless communists. "We can assure you that the rumours are untrue. Absolutely no security has leaked into our organisation," said an offical Microsoft spokeseunuch. * * * QUEUES STRETCHED FOR four miles in La Paz last week when the waiting list for attempted coups grew to unprecedented proportions. The ruling president, Jorge Fernando Quirogo Ramirez, is currently on holiday in Sierra Leone, leaving impatient military would-be dictators having to camp out overnight in order to keep their places in line. "We'd go home," said one tinpot pinko lunatic, "but, well, he is a worthless swine who oppressed the proletariat like the fascist he is.. could I possibly borrow your toothpaste?". * * * THERE WAS NO NEWS on May 1st, according to Reuters. If verified, it will mark the first time this has occurred since April 1743. "I just went down the pub, meself. Nothing much really happened, to be honest," said an official spokesbloke. * * * FIVE DECADES AFTER calmly asking for a translation of Premier Kruschev's emphatic, shoe-banging "Nyet! Nyet!" in the United Nations, Harold Macmillan has finally been given an answer by his team of linguists. "We think it means 'no'," they concluded in an official statement today. * * * GENERALISSIMO ALVAREZ Benito Diego da Funda, leader of the eighteenth-People's Popular Liberation Communist Front-in-waiting of Bolivia, is reported to have had himself and all his family shot for "crimes against the Red Cause". His place in line will now be taken by Alfredo Ramirez Enrico Kissingerez. * * * DECONTAMINATION CAMPS have been set up around certain sections of East Los Angeles, after an FBI report found that the levels of gang warfare have now risen to such high levels that violence has become a tangible substance. The violence, reported to be "a black oily fluid, not unlike Bovril", started congealing on walls and passers-by after six Hispanic gangs conducted nuclear tests on nearby rivals last Saturday. The camps were erected as an emergnecy measure so that persons leaving the area can wash off the globules of pure violence without contaminating the rest of the city. Preliminary reports that similar phenomena had occurred in Glasgow were denied by a member of Strathclyde Constabulary, just before I chibbed the fucker. * * * IAN PAISLEY, THE outspoken Northern Irish Democratic Unionist Party leader, has clarified his earlier statement that "NEVER! NEVERRRRR!". "Well, maybe sometimes," he conceded in a press conference yesterday.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...

WANT MORE FUNNY LIKE THIS? FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK