Person of the Year (Part 2)
The second of our five outstanding individuals of 2003 is Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, a native Austrian who invited a Nazi to his wedding and yet was somehow elected into Californian office.
Previously we'd only known Arnie for his tough-guy roles in an astounding selection of cinematic classics. From his break-out role as a cyborg killing machine, to his role as an ordinary Joe pushed into becoming a killing machine, to his role as a cyborg killing machine, to his role as an ordinary Joe who turns out to live a secret life as a killing machine, to his farewell role as a cyborg killing machine, the range of Schwarzenegger's acting talent remains unparalleled.
The obvious next step for a man with this emotional depth was to become a Republican. When the Californian governor Gray Davis befuddled the Republicans by not being particularly conservative, they moved to have him recalled - and Schwarzenegger was put forward as his replacement. Which was great news for owners of giant cars, as he rescinded a recent tax on them that would have seen public services like schools, the police and fire departments unfairly take their money. The standard of education in California may be going through the floor, but being an American means having the freedom to drive a Hummer at the expense of someone else's children. Hell, if possible, we should build hybrid cars that use children as fuel.
Not wanting to stop there, our favourite steroid user also repealed a law that allowed non-registered workers to get car insurance. After all, we don't need those illegal foreigners stealing our jobs, our children, our shoes and our cute little bunny rabbits! Sure, our roads are a little less safe now that there's a whole bunch of people on them who physically can't get insurance, but why should they have insurance anyway? Unless they crash into the backs of our Hummers, of course.
Best of all, though, is the knowledge that he's in cahoots with Ken Lay, the man at the centre of the Enron scandal. The two had a secret meeting two years before Arnie's election, before the Terminator had even mentioned wanting to get into politics. Enron owes $9 billion to California, but the Bush administration - which is on very good terms with the corporation - has proposed a plan to allow them to only pay 2% of that. They needed a governor who would cancel California's impending lawsuit against Enron and go along with the plan, hence the recall - and our friend the Governator.
An Austrian womaniser with a penchant for immoral, bloodthirsty behaviour who's in bed with the corporations? Surely he's the best America has to offer; we would have voted for him too.
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