on her deathbed that her fortune was to go solely to Marwell Zoo." And that's where it went; Dame Julia had some eighteen million pounds in cash and stocks, which are now used by Marwell Zoo to finance their vast chimpanzee collection. Some have argued - myself included - that these chimps are perhaps the most exciting in the world. Others claim that the money would have been better spent

eating wild pigs like porridge oats. But enough about me; back to Anne Diamond in the studio, who is busy testing the hernia machine which the NHS will be introducing in mid-August. How does it feel, Anne? Well I must say it feels very refreshing to not have to carry around all those intestines, but I'm not sure what my laundrette is going to think

about Lancashire Cheese. Frankly, it's not as nice as that from Cheshire or Cheddar, of course, but

hostages have been taken ill in a bizarre plane-hijack-SARS-infection-invasion-of-Iraq-death incident. We have Black Angus McDeath MP, the Minister of Unhealth, here in the studio to discuss it. Now Angus, this is a funny sort of microcosm of everything that's going on in the world right now, isn't it? Yes, it is. Lots of death, in a small metal tube. Fantastic like sniffing crack from a baby's arse. Now, some would argue that what you've just said is a bit of a departure from traditional Labour Party policy. Is it? No, it isn't; if you look at the election manifesto of 1997 we stated specifically

that insurance rates are at an all-time low, causing Vodafone stocks to sink like a lead balloon. Investors are right to be angry; while the company has been expanding rapidly over the past few years, it has failed to declare its earnings accurately. The matter was compounded when, on a recent corporate edition of The Weakest Link, the telecommunications company failed to bank its cash, reducing the round one winnings to a mere £500 and causing the other contestants to vote it out. In fact the only market where the company hasn't tanked is Australia, where customers can trade in their free minutes for women and beer

but it gets particularly hairy in winter. Perhaps this is because thousands of years ago the climate was significantly different; perhaps it is simply an evolutionary quirk. We'll never know, but these are still fascinating animals - in many ways similar to mammals, but without any bones or teeth to speak of. Like little furry globules, they scurry around the forest with no apparent natural enemies or legs. Indeed, I would be hard pushed to tell you which way was up

or in and out. Just five minutes a day on the MuscLeeze XL Giant Man-Sized Hamster Wheel will tone not just your legs and abs but your whole body all at once. You too can look like Stephen Seagal! That's right, Laura. I use the MuscLeeze just once a day for five minutes and look at me: I'm a goddamn superman. But that's not all! Order the MuscLeeze for eight monthly payments of 19.99 and we'll throw in this revolutionary inflatable fiefdom. Now not only can you look like a feudal lord, but you can have your own blow-up peasants

lightly broiled with a touch of glazed onion. Now, many people ask me about glazing onions; is there one particular combination of pan, onion and oil that works best? My answer is a resounding yes. Red onions have a delightful sweetness that you won't find with your common white or green varieties, and a dash of peanut oil brings that out wonderfully. Of course, if you're allergic to peanuts this will cause your oesophagus to close up and suffocate you, and if that's the case I recommend bog-standard extra virgin cold pressed olive oil. Not to open up your oesophagus, of course; if you've got to that stage a horrible death is almost inevitable, ha ha,

although not in the Republic of Ireland, where it's been made illegal. It is widely known that the cost of living there is very low, although the average rate of pay is correspondingly slim. Nevertheless, the actual quality of life as measured through the usual measures - death rate, infant mortality rate, land ownership and so forth - is much higher than most places. The country is beautiful, the people aren't big on pleasantries but are nonetheless very friendly; so why, then, are this green land's citizens considered so stupid? We went to the seventh annual exploding boomerang championships to find out

why our burgers taste so damn good. In a blind taste test, nine out of ten people on the street found that our chemically engineered synthetic beef taste and fragrance technology keyed into their subconsciouses in a more convincing way than McDonald's. So next time you've got the urge, head down to Burger King; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

except, of course, for muscle degenerative diseases and psychological torture. ITV have apologised for their activities in both these areas, and promise never to do it again without contestants' permission. On the positive side, ratings for I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here! have climbed to new heights since the introduction of muscle relaxants and giant jelly moulds

which wobble but don't fall down. The Royal Family's decision to be imprisoned in gelatine is, according to a Buckingham Palace spokesman, a challenge to world-famous magician David Blaine. "One can stand on a pole for two days straight," HRH Queen Elizabeth II is reported to have said, "but can one encase oneself in a giant globe of cow hoof product? One thinks not." In other news, Rupert Murdoch has taken his own life

which means his new single has been delayed for two weeks. But don't be disheartened, yo, because we got a new vid from Drew Carey to light up your soul, coming up next. Big it up with the biggest up of all.