Which of my family members are you?

So, you want to become part of the Shames family. We don't understand why you're volunteering, but if you're seriously interested, this test will help you find out about your true Shames identity. Are you Cobi? Are you Calvin? Only this test will tell...

Get started with these questions...

1

You're a kleptomaniac. What are you most likely to steal?

Weapons

A car

A printing press

Computer equipment or hi-tech gadgets

An office building or fortress

Stuffed animals or food

2

Which of the following fictional musicians most appeals to you?

Danni Lankinstone, the new age pianist

Marina Caron, the soft rock diva

Boys of Base, the pop band

Q-Z, the rapper

Breaking Nails, the angsty rock band

Vladislav Rimchaisov, the famous composer

The Lifing, the Christian rock band

The Rolling Creedance Revival, the classic rock band

3

What's your worst petty fear?

Pests, i.e. insects, snakes or spiders

Losing my hard drive, data backup, PDA or cellphone

Fireworks, vacuum cleaners and other loud, obnoxious appliances

Unrealistic events, such as being chased by a toilet

I have no petty fears, foolish commoner!

4

Time out! What's your sport of choice?

It's not a sport, it's a martial art.

Outdoor sports, such as camping and hiking

I hold myself to be above such things, thank you!

Football (i.e. NFL) or hockey

Soccer or basketball

Laser tag

Track & field

Softball or baseball

5

Common elements in your dreams include:

Cliffs, skeletons, weapons

Food

Famous people and people I know

I don't remember my dreams.

Making mistakes, eating non-edible items

People with odd names, being chased by inanimate objects (such as toilets)

Dinosaurs

A large black animal chewing on me

6

In a social setting, which of the following most accurately describes you?

I'm the one hiding from the cameras.

I'm the one complaining about one element or another.

It varies so much that I might be bipolar.

As long as I'm happy to be there, I'm the one enjoying my time with my group of friends.

I'm the one being hostile and guarded. You'll find me near the buffet table.

I'm the one plotting to leave early before I even get to the event.

I'm the social butterfly mingling with everyone present.

I'm the one protecting the weak.

7

Which of the following psychological disturbances are you most likely to have?

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD/ADHD)

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Insomnia

Depression

An eating disorder

Bipolar Disorder (Manic-Depressive)

Tourette's Syndrome (also known as "verbal diarrhea")

Whoah, I never really thought I was normal... until I saw this list!

8

What is your comic book villain alter-ego?

Garbage Man

Professor No

Two-Face

The Fascist Dictator

Devil Dog

Sensei Pain

Dr. Professional Premium Plus Deluxe Edition

One-Eared Tom

9

What strange or embarrassing activity would a candid camera find you doing?

Drinking out of the bottle straight from the refrigerator

Dancing ballet-style around the living room to music

Watching X-Files or CSI at 3 in the morning

Creating a computer virus

Lying down and staring at the ceiling

Sticking my head in the garbage can

Napping on the side of the highway in my car

Stealing food off the table

10

What is your weapon of choice?

Firecrackers

A pirate cutlass

A sneeze

My teeth

A truly terrifying pun

Ceaseless nagging

The real stuff, yo

I'm a pacifist.

11

You're a mad professor. What are you inventing?

A remote controlled garbage can

A palm-sized gadget that would have internet access, word processing programs, a camera, an mp3 player, a CD burner, a video camera, a phone, a printer, a DVD player and a beverage cup-holder all in one.

An automatic literary agent dispenser

A collapsible workout room

A bathtub scuba diving set, just add water!

A voice-activated can opener

12

If someone really wanted to tick you off, which of the following actions could they perform repeatedly in order to accomplish this?

Drink straight out of bottles from the refrigerator

Leave various appliances running unnecessarily

Leave various clothing items lying around

Smell "wrong"

Distract me while I'm killing aliens/predators/people on the computer

Tell me to stop blowing things up around the house

Don't do what you promised you would

Tell me that the dog is not worth the trouble

Kick me off the computer at any time, for whatever reason

Wake me up in the morning before it's time to get up

Blame me for something I didn't do

I bet you can't make me mad!

13

What is your workout of choice?

Running rampant through the neighborhood

Hurting people

Give me a TV and I don't care

I hear that yelling is wonderful exercise for the lungs.

Outdoor sports like hiking and camping

Are you suggesting that I work out?

As long as I don't realize it's exercise, bring it on!

Traditional exercise like jogging, speed walking, etc.

Chin-ups

Playing sports

14

What will be your magnum opus?

A revolutionary computer operating system

Life wouldn't be much fun if I were working for something!

A symphony that I will conduct

A novel that will quickly become a modern masterpiece

An army of female fighting machines

A cure for stroke or car accident victims

My State of the Union Address

15

Odd clothing habit:

I wear mismatched socks and see no problem with them.

I can't sleep without my sleeping mask.

I wear dirty t-shirts for days, perhaps weeks, on end.

I wear Godzilla-size clothing.

I sometimes tote a sword.

Well, let's just say that some of my accessories have voltage.

My hats are permanent accessories.

Dude, I'm a nudist.

16

What's your theme song?

The Wicked Witch of the West theme

The Flight of the Bumblebee

The Addams Family theme

The Pirates of the Caribbean theme

Beethoven's Fifth Symphony

The Rocky theme

The Jaws theme

In the Hall of the Mountain King

17

Your most memorable conflict involved:

A squeegee

A VCR

The dog

A headless fish

Eye drops

Biting someone's butt

Catching on fire

I can't recall exactly- I have so many!

18

What's your hidden talent?

I am an amateur political analyst- and my predictions are often proven correct.

I actually CAN sing. Don't tell anyone.

I can hit you with a big stick in many creative ways.

I am an amateur philosopher.

I am quite proficient with a slingshot.

You aren't supposed to know this, but I can write some pretty darn good computer viruses.

I can climb the walls of the house. Seriously.

My talents are all out there for everyone to see.

19

Ok, fine, what's your REAL talent?

I write fiction and/or poetry.

I multi-task like you wouldn't believe.

I am extremely likeable and get along with everyone.

I can do things on the computer that would amaze you.

I am irresistably fluffy.

I'm almost always positive and optimistic.

I am very socially adaptable.

20

Who's your celebrity alter-ago?

I am a celebrity!! (or at least a public figure)

Comedian Robin Williams

Writer J.K. Rowling

Pianist Evgeny Kissin

Entrepreneur Bill Gates

Korean leader Kim Jong-il

Martial artist Chuck Norris

Garfield

Kujo

21

If someone else were to guess your Enneagram personality type, what would he or she guess?

I'm too lazy to visit http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ and find out what the heck this question means.

Type Five, The Investigator

Type Seven, The Enthusiast

Type Six, The Loyalist

Type Three, The Achiever

Type Eight, The Challenger

Type Nine, The Peacemaker

22

Your sense of humor:

Involves slapstick or physical humor

Plays on words

Involves mimicking

I have no sense of humor whatsoever. I resent this discriminatory question.

Is ironic and sometimes downright sick

Involves wit and intelligence

23

It's ten o'clock at night. Where are you?

Getting back from the gym

In bed

Pretending to be in bed

In the shower

Getting a snack

My day is just beginning... muahahaha

Curled up on the couch

On the counter

24

Start a conversation at the family dinner table.

Sea cucumbers shoot their insides out at predators.

Did you know that camel dung fires can burn for hours?

Whistling is, so to speak, a valuable commodity.

Did someone say 'black mud'?

How was everyone's week?

Can someone toss some food under the table for me?

Let me sit beside you in this chair and pretend I'm not interested in that chicken bone on your plate.

Can I have $25 to buy a web domain? Please? PLEASE?

I had a patient this week whose family threatened me with a baseball bat.

Boys, let's talk about porp.

25

And finally... what should Yonit name her snail?

Something Japanese and spiritual

A Hebrew name like the one I constructed for one of my future children

Visual Basic

Frankie

Killer

I don't care.