The NHS
by Benjamin
“Can I help you?”
“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”
“You’re on the wrong floor. Turn around, take the first left, go straight through the double doors, and take the elevator down to the lower ground floor. Then take the first right, go through the blue double doors, turn right again, follow the yellow line and report to reception. They should be able to help you there.”
* * *
“Can I help you?”
“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”
“No it hasn’t.”
“It has. Look. Please help me.”
“No, it really hasn’t. You’re imagining things. Look, there are people here who are really sick. Go home and call NHS Direct if you don’t feel better in a couple of days.”
“Please, look at my leg, it’s bleeding all over your floor -”
“Yes, yes I can see that. I’m afraid there’ll be a small charge. You’ll need to fill in an eight-eleven double-one-D form. I’ll just be one moment.”
“But if you can see that, surely you can see that my leg is missing. Arterial spurts everywhere. My insides are outside. Please help me.”
“I can’t see any blood. Here, fill in this form so we can charge you for the blood.”
“Oh holy mother, the pain … Is there – is there anyone else I can talk to?”
“Certainly, madam. Please take a ticket, and we’ll be with you in due course. Why don’t you sit over there. … Madam! Oh, madam! I’m sorry, madam, I need you to pay for this blood spatter. We take Visa, Mastercard, or blood.”
* * *
“Can I help you?”
“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”
“Oh, so it has.”
“Thank God. Please help me.”
“Did the nurse you spoke to previously diagnose you?”
“She said my leg hadn’t come off and that I was fine.”
“Ah.”
“Ah?”
“Well, you see, she’s my superior. If she said your leg hasn’t come off, I’m afraid your leg hasn’t come off. Look! It’s fine. Go home and call NHS Direct if you don’t feel better in a couple of days.”
“But you just said my leg has come off! Please, help me, you just said it!”
“No I didn’t.”
“You did. You said it just then.”
“Then I made a mistake. Look, your leg is fine.”
“It’s not fine. Look at this blood, it’s coming out in pulses -”
“Yes, that’s arterial gushing. That could be a serious problem.”
“But it must be coming from somewhere -”
“It’s coming from the bottom of your foot, perhaps.”
“But where’s my leg? Look at it! Where is my leg?”
“Yes, I see your problem -”
“Oh, thank God!”
“- that leg is much shorter than the other one. I’m afraid we can’t do much about that, madam! You’ll need to go talk to a specialist. Follow the yellow line, turn left, go through the blue double doors, turn left again and take the elevator to the fourth floor. Go straight through the double doors, turn right and you’re there.”
“But the blood -”
“Yes, we’ll need to charge you for that.”
* * *
“Can I help you?”
“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”
“You’re on the wrong floor. Turn around, take the first left, go straight through the double doors, and take the elevator down to the lower ground floor. Then take the first right, go through the blue double doors, turn right again, follow the yellow line and report to reception. They should be able to help you there.”
August 26th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I’m not really sure what this is trying to say about the NHS.
August 26th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
It’s saying, “please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”
August 27th, 2009 at 2:25 am
My insides are outside.
brilliant.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Could be worse, it could be the American system:
“How can we help you today”
“My leg has come off!”
“Do you have insurance?”
“Yes, can you help me?”
“That’s good, please fill out these forms, and provide the co-pay sum, and we’ll have you looked at straight away”
(four hundred forms and many attempts by the insurance company to get out of paying later)
“And you’re sure that leg drop off isn’t a pre-existing condition?”
“I was hit by a truck”
“Are you sure truck collision isn’t a pre-existing condition?”
“Yes, can you please look at my stump?”
“Ok, now I’ve run a visual test, your co-pay for that is $10,000, how would you like to pay that?”
“I haven’t got that sort of money!”
“Well then go home, when you have the co-pay balance for the tests already performed cleared, we can carry out some more tests, next sucker please!”