@rumandmonkey We're off to obliterate a village. See you soon.

The Ten Commandments: unabridged

by Benjamin

And God spoke all these words, saying: “I am the LORD your God …

You shall have no other gods before Me. If you don’t mind. God has been queuing for ages. It’s only right. Although I suppose God does have a full basket, and Ra over there is only buying a Ginster’s pastie. It sort of seems rude not to let him through, God supposes. Although God would like to get out of here and have some lunch soon. God is so hungry, God could eat a Horus. So watch out! Hahaha. God amuses Himself. But seriously: God is first.

You shall not make for yourself a carved image – any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. God doesn’t mean to be rude, but have you considered actually going and studying art? Because, ultimately, that’s not a fish you’ve just carved. It looks a bit like a poo.

You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. God apologises for shouting the word LORD. God just wants to emphasise it, you know. To prove that God is your LORD. If you shout, you’re automatically right and should not be questioned. It lends you a sense of authority, you see. That’s why they do it on cable news. God thinks they might have learned it from those evangelical ministers. God doesn’t talk to them, by the way. God thinks they’re crazy. Don’t argue. God is your LORD.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Heaven and Hell Tour 2007, baby! God likes to rock out.

Honour your father and your mother. Actually, God will honour your mother. Mmm-hmm-hmmmm. God loves you, cute momma.

You shall not kill. Except in cases of political disagreement, civil unrest, land disputes, national security, silencing whistleblowers for corporate gain, convenience, punishment, or any other reason, really. It’s just, you’ve got to have a permit. Okay?

You shall not commit adultery. But let’s face it, you’re going to ignore this one. So how about, you shall not commit adultery if you don’t have enough money to appear to be a respectable member of society. And someone tell that Joseph Smith to keep it in his pants …

You shall not steal. Except at Costco, where their Labor Day prices are insane! Also, the natural resources of nations you choose to invade. And stuff from people you kill.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. However, if he carves images of anything that is in the earth, you may witness false bears. God made a funny. God is great.

You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his adulterous lover, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor his iPod, nor his Nintendo Wii, nor his Hummer, because let’s face it, it’s a nightmare to run with gas prices as they are, nor his disco skills, nor his vintage pumps, nor his fine ass, nor anything that is your neighbour’s. God’s recommendation: break in and steal the lot.

41 Responses to “The Ten Commandments: unabridged”

  1. Grim Says:

    I’m catholic and yet ifind this funny, i bet the big G doestoo, great work!

  2. Kirsten Says:

    HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!! I love taking the piss out of Christians…

  3. LeggoMyEggo Says:

    Is the big G anything like the big O?? This was too cute. It made me feel closer to the LORD, knowing that he too has a slight case of ADD & a terrible sense of humor.

  4. Pretty Lush Says:

    I can’t help it, I covet my neighbor’s hot wife.

  5. stephamo Says:

    i like the joseph smith one….i live in utah it fits i agree……soo funny

  6. Trygg Says:

    This is friggan awesome. This makes me feel like God is like me lol, flawed. YAY.

  7. marsadeptjenna Says:

    THAT. WAS. STUPID. (but halarious!)

  8. Brian Says:

    Nothing like taking a few potshots at the “big guy upstairs.” And, look! Thou hast not been smitten! Curious…

  9. Brian Says:

    PS- “Bong Hits 4 Jesus!” (11th Commandment, the Apostle Joe Frederick 18:22, Juneau, Alaska)

  10. Hunt Says:

    I bet these are the originals, the people just shortened them and made them better to not make /HIM/ look bad. 8D

  11. Lana Says:

    To Trygg: …Who said God’s not flawed? Nothing and no one is perfect, and if He were perfect, He would’ve made Lucifer without free will–then he couldn’t have caused all that trouble. And then we would do whatever He wished and never sin against Him. He is flawed. End of my discussion.

    P.S., we = God’s science project, just so you all know.

  12. MarcAtMccow Says:

    ROFL … – God is anything – but he can’t control our mind .. if we want, we will do it ….. he can’t control us ..
    (message ….. – from Mars, av. 34 pok gai)

  13. summer.babe Says:

    dis is soo funny i cant believe sum1 would read dis an not burst out laughing

    LOL :) ;) rock on man

  14. Cailtin rox your knee high fob soxs Says:

    hell yeah , i think you the bible should be like this , mabey the world would start reading it !
    rock on , you kick ass

  15. Cailtin rox your knee high fob soxs Says:

    i think you should rite the bible*and make it like the ten commandments up there lol* damn fliping typos …..

  16. JESUSESDECIPLE Says:

    THIS IS NOT FUNNY THIS IS BLASPHEMY AGAINST THE LORD YOU NEED TO GO TO CONFESSION AND REPENT!!!!!

  17. Clayton Says:

    i think this site is so dumb and you should just delete it cause its not cool to make fun of God and your just stupid

  18. Clayton Says:

    hey kirsten guess what…YOURE A DORK!

  19. NICOLE Says:

    DUDE THAT WAS SO NOT FUNNY AND I TOTALLY AGREE WITH JESUSESDECIPLE

  20. Dekker3D Says:

    the fact that only one out of 15 people so far disliked it should say enough, but i’m saying it anyway: this RULES!

    besides, no living creature… no sentient being.. could exist for an eternity and not get bored. wouldn’t surprise me if god actually was like that.

    oh, and to that guy a week ago: shut it. all caps does not make you right, it makes you autistic and weird. no punctuation = fail. and not seeing the humor in something so awesome.. there are no words for that. it’s simple, people like you fail in all possible ways. please go die and reincarnate as someone smart. you’d do us all a favour.

  21. LEE Says:

    ok these are funny don’t get me wrong. they’re hilarious, but seriously we’re not a science experiment weren’t we put here to reproduce and praise and worship god? and thats about it guys and gals, its in the bible. but yeah still these are awesome and i’d like to see more stuff like this.
    “last days on earth, if i had a dick i’d go get laid> well we can do the next best thing> whats that?> kill people!”

  22. Sunshine Goth Says:

    To the Jesus deciple… jeez man chill out its only abit of a laugh and people blashem all the time we have a right to choose what we want to say and express how we feel

    And may I add if there is a God up there he probably has a very good sence of humor because come on! he in theroy created the guy who wrote this page so UH OH theres a flaw in your statement WHAT a surprise… surely if god created this man who in turn created this page then god probably finds this page pretty funny too.

    Listen dude. grow up, get a girlfriend (or boyfriend depending on your sex and prefurance… you know what fuck it just get sumthing you can go OUT with)and try to get away from all those ANTI BLAPHEMIN! thoughts you got up in that little noggin of yours and maybe we could all be abit happier

    P.S to Benjamin (the guy who wrote this thred) Great job man was a real fun read, look forward 2 reading more if you ever do any :)

  23. Ichigo Says:

    I’m Catholic, still I find this amusing. XD God SO has a sense on humor, you just have to listen. ~.^

  24. XD Says:

    Dekker3D Says:

    oh, and to that guy a week ago: shut it. all caps does not make you right, it makes you autistic and weird. no punctuation = fail. and not seeing the humor in something so awesome.. there are no words for that. it’s simple, people like you fail in all possible ways. please go die and reincarnate as someone smart. you’d do us all a favour
    —-

    This was funny…. but to the person aboce I quoted…. :/ Don’t make fun of autistic people, okay?

  25. XD Says:

    *Forgot to mention: seeing as I’m an autistic person, myself. Most of us -do- have a sense of humor, thank you very much.

  26. Helen Says:

    awwww, bless all these teeny boppers commenting

  27. Reynolds Says:

    honestly, I didn’t laugh at all…. but I did smile :)
    In any case, this is the first time I read the 10 commandments so close to my nature….

    Formula to make human:

    human = (big_G(good + bad) / (masses + culture))

  28. Sammi` Says:

    HEHE!!

    God made a funnnii!!

    Sammi`

  29. fish! Says:

    I’m a Christian and I take this article as a JOKE.
    Oh, JESUSESDICIPLE, i’m not sure that your comment is going to have much impact, it annoys me when christians say that sort of thing. No-one will listen when you put in such an annoying and stereotypical way

  30. Sam Says:

    Hmmmm, it would appear Nicole’s caps lock key is broken and she doesn’t understand sarcasm.

  31. Hummingbird Says:

    OMFG! Why can’t any of you spell? The LORD your God commands you all to read the OED. Go now… shoo!

    What? You can’t lift your new bible? OK, well, the LORD forgives you. But She has a headache. Go play.

  32. Susie Says:

    Loved it! What a laugh! godlordwhatever has to have a sense of humour cause heshe?? made all of this……well i think shehe did……..that’s what it says in the goodbook……..maybe you could do one on genesis or the virginbirth or anything really. clever clever clever

  33. badger Says:

    Quite funny. Good that you updated the list of covetable possessions to include modern gadgets. Amazed that the devout ones have not yet mounted a holy war. Basically I think Americans and Christians have a sense of humor.

    Try something similar about other faiths. Esp. the one which cuts off hands of thieves and stones adulteresses.

  34. Richard Says:

    @LEE “weren’t we put here to reproduce and praise and worship god? and thats about it guys and gals, its in the bible” Either I’ve completely misunderstood you here or you think that there is nothing more to life than reproducing and kissing gods ass. How disturbing.

    Good work Ben!

  35. Conan Malinak Says:

    And God said unto his disciples, so faithfully gathered together at Rumandmonkey.com—

    Tell your friends that God has spoken.

  36. miffy Says:

    that’s the god i love, coz he is who we are

  37. Hannah Says:

    Well JESUSESDECIPLE said we should repent so i guess we should do it! after all god told us to… if he exists, which i doubt, and we should all listen to random weirdo’s from the internet right? so lets all go and repent because we was told to.

  38. Angela; a Christian Says:

    Dear Ben and to all those who thinks this is funny,

    I am a Christian, and I dont appreciate you dishonoring my Lord, like this. I find it sad, that you think its funny to make fun of God, whom is so loving and good. God deserves all honor, respect and glory from us all. But, the problem is, that most people in this world, choose to sin against God, and rather become a slave to sin, by God’s (as well as mankind’s) enemy, Satan the devil. I understand and realize that you dont believe in and love God, for you are not aware that evil, from the Devil, is blinding you from the Truth…making you his fool. I hope someday, you will see and understand the truth about God, like I do, thru Love…by repenting and asking God for forgiveness. God loves you, even when we sin or do wrong, against Him…for He is merciful. Repent you sins, and ask God to forgive you, for its never too late to do so.

    For all of you on here that are upset with Ben’s comment and the majority of others who agree with him, about his version of The 10 Commandments, tell God, Our Father in heaven:

    ‘FATHER, FORGIVE THEM, FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.” Just like Jesus did, when His chosen people (Jews) and Gentiles (Roman soldiers), mocked and sinned against Him.

    Ben, my brother…God loves you, and so do I. “Forgive and you will be forgiven.” If you forgive others, God will forgive you…God is the God of Love…Love will cover all offenses.

    I hope and pray you will seek God, in your life to see the Truth to LIFE, like I did. “Seek and you shall find.” said Jesus, the Son of God. God sent His Son, into the world, not to condmen it, but to save it. God, sent Jesus Christ, to save us, sinners…like me and you. I am so glad that Lord, Jesus Christ, came to save me! Now, I can live with a peace of mind…knowing I will have eternal life with Him.

    God is waiting for you…He is waiting to welcome you with open arms, and save you from eternal death, from Satan, the devil..in hell. Don’t be decieved! The Devil has control over your life, right now….making you do evil or sin, against God. Ask God to control your life (to do what is good, right and true), and see how He’ll change your life, forever…like He did with me. You wont regret it! I am glad I did!

    a loving Christian,
    Angela

    Hannah, God is telling you what you all must do. For God has the power to speak thru His people (Christians). God is speaking thru JESUSESDECIPLE, and commanding you to REPENT YOUR SINS, AND BE SAVED. For those who do not believe in God and our Lord Jesus Christ, will not be saved! Believe, and you will live eternal life. Dont, and you will die forever in hell, along with Satan the devil, who is deceiving you all to believe in lies, rather than the truth, about God. Satan is the father of lies, whereas God is the father of Truth. REPENT, FOR THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS NEAR! DO IT, WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME..BEFORE ITS TOO LATE! REPENT ALL YOUR SINS, AND BE SAVED!

  39. jubiKaL Says:

    thank you for the preaching. it was nicely done and totally appropriate i think we should pray…. i think we should say that we agree with you good bye

  40. jubiKaL Says:

    the above comment is full of shit

  41. yr8slacka Says:

    This is funny, and I’m sure that Ben wasn’t actually poking fun at god, but taking a random subject and playing with it. I’m sure he doesn’t actually MEAN any of it, and god is forgiving. yelling at people will not help, and if you call yourself christian, you will realise, to look upon people with a loving and forgiving heart, is to look upon people with a heart that our lord god wants us to. So yes, it was amusing, and I DO believe god has a sense of humour, but maybe something a little LESS contradictual next time? :)

Leave a Reply