A Brief Introduction

Ah, autumn, and the bountiful joy it brings! You can smell them in the air; they're round every corner, up every hill, vomiting in every bar and fornicating badly in every rat-infested room, climaxing early on every plastic-wrapped mattress, sometimes even with company. Freshmen are a delightful bunch - but they're much more than that. They're our future, too.

High school is different. Full of cheerleaders, jocks and balding teachers with no natural talent, the prospective red brick student is never allowed to realise what kind of magnificent experience they are about to endure through four arduous years.

What's that you say, young fella? You're one of these olive branches leading hopefully on towards our flavoursome future? Well listen close, young one, and I will explain everything you need to know.


Part One. Carpe Diem!

University - known mistakenly as "College" by those delightfully misunderstanding Yankee nimbrains - is remarkably like plunging your head into a bucket of manure. It's interesting the first time, but you'll never want to do it again - so savour every moment as it comes. The night you lock yourself out of your dorm and are almost beaten to death by fraternity brothers on a drunken bender? The cheerleader who handcuffed you to your bed while she injected you with heroin and stole all your money and clothes? These things may seem difficult now, but you'll want to remember every detail; years from now you will laugh, over and over again.

This also means that if you see an opportunity, you must seize it like a hunter grips a penile snake, glistening and shimmering in its warm, grassy habitat. Does a shady campus society want you to join them in their nightly drinking-pee-from-a-William-Shatner-mask ritual? Could you have a traffic cone permanently embedded in the back of your skull as part of a senior's art project? All of these things will join your armoury of witty conversation pieces when you become dull and middle aged.


Part Two. Eat Well!

A degree is not won on burgers and fries alone. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that such a diet leads one to die a slow, agonising, Catholic death - and you don't want that. Surely you intend to become a high ranking member of the Masons and rule your father's energy conglomerate with an iron fist, as every good student does, and for that you require both vitamins and protein.

If you live in America, you probably have enough of these to last for your entire academic career; get some exercise, for fuck's sake. Conversely, if you live in Britain, you've probably never eaten a square meal in your life and are living in virtual poverty - fix your teeth, get some sun, and learn that starch in tomato sauce on a slice of toast doesn't count as a meal.


Part Three. Be Social! (Eat Your Neighbours)

Unless you still live with your parents, you will be forced to become acquainted with a wide variety of people. Some of them may hate you; this is natural. Certainly none of them will love you, and despite what I said during the introduction the possibility of you getting any sex is very, very remote. Even if you do manage a romantic bedtime engagement, it will probably not last very long, and more likely than not will involve dribbling. However, all is not lost - many older students may wish to use you, and in these cases you will find yourself taken all sorts of places and in all sorts of ways (although emotionally you will discover you've become a husk of a person and probably wish to eat your own eyes).

Aside from people you could possibly lure into bed, there will be a number of others. These range from "begrudged acquaintances" to "platonic friends"; there will certainly be more of the former than the latter, and these relations will remain established for the rest of your natural life. Be thankful, however, for any people who are willing to speak to you. Remember, they are doing it out of the goodness of their own heart.

There are, however, examples of acquaintances becoming more than any freshman could possibly handle. Stories abound of enraged roommates taking to the corridors with an AK-47 or flamethrower; of them breeding giant spiders under their beds, only to have them eat most of the building's inhabitants; of them turning into Daleks and exterminating most of humankind. In these cases, it is perfectly acceptable to eat them - remember, you need the nutrition.


In Conclusion, My Little Chumblemutts

You will hate university, but that's not my fault. Everything you've been brought up to believe is wrong; therefore, kill your parents and teachers, but don't come crying to me.

Goodnight.