Lucky, lucky Rum and Monkey readers. Today you have been given the chance to make history. History!
Or, at the very least, you'll help me out with another page of bad satire. Are you familiar with the "word of the day" concept? Dictionary.com is one place where you can get a word every single day; a string of beautiful characters, thrust regularly into your email inbox. I hear someone also makes word of the day toilet paper; every time you go to the toilet, you get to see a different word. (This is assuming you only use one sheet per visit. If you're anything like me, you'll actually end up seeing a paragraph or two. Moby Dick, if you've had a curry night.)
Anyway, anyway. Today the word of the day is:
Some of you might know Uber. It's unique among Web pages in that its sole aim in life appears to present witty article after witty article, every single weekday. It features such slap-your-thigh-and-fall-on-your-ass running jokes as a picture of a regular staff writer farting.
What makes it particularly unique, though, is that it wants to be McSweeney's, Dave Eggers' artful publication. As such, it prints any article that's been rejected by them. Any. Is this not a stroke of genius? A humour Web site that wants to be another Web site so badly it shamelessly copies the formula - imagine that!
Uber is smart, recycling the same article again and again to achieve comic effect, and using the edgy, aloof tone made famous in the mid nineties by generation X authors and hack magazine writers. But the McSweeney's thing is their weakness - and a weakness that can be harnessed.
Nay, it must be harnessed, and for one very important reason: we must assert our superiority. Oh yes.
Here's how you can join in the first ever international Uber bombing:
1. Write an article. It doesn't matter if it's a steaming pile of horseshit. In fact, we'd prefer it to be a steaming pile of horseshit. If it's good, send it to us. We like reading good things. We like sticking good things on the front page of our Web site. It would, you have to admit, make a change. But write an article. About anything. Remember the Uber bombing. And ever-so-cunningly, mention both "rum" and "monkeys".
2. At the top, write a little message. It should probably be something along the lines of, "Hi! Long time reader, first time submitter. Love the site. I wrote this witty piece of tight, badass prose, and those rotters at McSweeney's rejected it. Would you have a look at it? I'll be very grateful. If you know what I mean." They will love this.
4. We sit back, and wait. Slowly, ever so slowly, they will begin to saturate with articles about alcohol and furry simians. Their readers, who came for a witty distraction, will be frustrated, but at the same time strangely attracted. And we will have made our point. You can tell your grandkids: "I was part of some bad satire back in the noughties." And they will love you for it.