Shoulder To Cry On


I'm in trouble, almost frantic now. I got drunk a few months ago at a party- I was lonely, emotional and ultimately foolish. I met a man there, well, was pestered, hassled, badgered, cajoled ... We had unprotected sex. Stupid and immature, I know, but I was confused and he took advantage of me. He's disappeared form my life now- I can't remember his name, even his face is fuzzy. A few days ago I discovered that the bouts of nausea I've been experiencing recently are evidence of a pregnancy. It has torn me apart. I'm in my final year of a law degree and I can't afford something like this to ... I don't know. Getting in contact with the man is impossible - no-one knows who he was. I feel like such a child. Words like 'abortion' and 'adoption' scare me, don't seem like real things and I am crying too much at the moment to make an important decision like the one I will be forced to make very soon. What should I do? Is there anywhere I can turn, anywhere to offer support to someone in my situation? Please help.


Dear Lucy

Sounds to me like you shouldn't have got pregnant in the first place. Keep your knees together and you wont face these problems. Slut.


I see dead people.


Dear Hayley

Poke out your eyes.


Although my friends tell me differently, I'm ugly. I know I am. I constantly stare at myself in the mirror, noticing bits of my face, of my body, of my hair that I want to change. My confidence is at an all time low because of my lopsided, knotty, hag-like appearance and I don't know what to do.


Dear Katherine

Having examined the photo you attached to your letter I can conclusively say that you should get new friends. And I'm keeping the photo by the way.


My best friend at school has started calling me names. We have known each other for years but he has now started ignoring me and sometimes he will say things like 'manky blackie' and 'terrorist' and other things when we are in a group of friends just to hurt me. I have spoken to my English teacher who says that he is not really being mean, that it is not his fault but that his dad has started teaching him bad words and the rest of our country has outgrown such stupid attitudes. It is still confusing though. Does he hate me? Is there a way to stop him calling me those names? Am I to blame?


Dear Robert

Firstly, I would question the use of the term 'our country'. Did your granddad fight in the war? With that out of the way I can say that of course it is not your fault. But your people do have a lot to answer for. Perhaps once terrorist leaders such as Yasser Arafat reign in the violence of their tribe it will be possible for us to stop using terms like 'manky blackie'. But they, sorry you, have to make the first move.Dear STCO

Last week in the shower I discovered a lump on one of my testicles. It isn't painful or discoloured but it is beginning to worry me. I don't really trust doctors, especially with personal problems, but this is preying on my mind. You read stories in the newspaper about cancer and you start to think, you know? My uncle died of cancer so it's always been a worry. Any advice?


Dear Simon
A lump?! On your nut?! What a freak! You don't need to see a doctor, try a circus. They probably have a special tent for the genitally deformed. You'll fit right in.


I am worried that my husband is having an affair. Recently he has been coming home from work at later times, making phone calls while he thinks I am asleep, acting suspiciously, things like that. Today he asked if he could do his own washing. Our marriage has been shaky for a few years now, ever since our daughter went off to study law at university, and we've become more and more distant from each other. I still love him but I don't think I could handle it if I found out he is seeing someone else. Perhaps it would be better if I didn't know? Should I confront him?


Dear Amanda

I have one word for you. Anal. Once your hubby discovers he can enter the tunnel of love at home he won't need to go elsewhere for cheap thrills with a more attractive woman.


[Slightly edited] I'm a whiny little bitch with problems. Me! Me! Me! Look at me! I have problems! I'M IN PAIN!


Dear Andrew

I feel your pain. And laugh at you.

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