So you’ve hired an Australian

Hello! If you’re reading this, then there’s a good chance that someone who cares about you is trying to tell you something very important – that you’ve hired an Australian. Now, before you panic and run screaming into the night, stop and assess the situation, safe in the knowledge that even though you might have unwittingly given an Australian a job, it’s not the end of the world.

Australians are a strange people. Basically very lazy with a poor attitude to authority, they don’t cope well with being told what to do. Which means your job, as a manager, could be about to get very difficult indeed.

But having hired an Australian is nothing to be ashamed of – people do it all the time, all over the world, often without realising it.

How do I tell if there’s an Australian in the office?
It’s pretty simple, really. Anyone who says ‘G’day mate’ a lot is probably an Australian. A wide hat with corks on strings around the brim is another. Oh, they’ll tell you it’s to keep the flies away, but in reality it’s a secret method for Australians, or “Aussies” (pronounced “Ozzees”) as they call themselves, to brag to their mates about how much they’ve been drinking. Because they’re all hopeless alcoholics.

Another sure-fire sign is missing office equipment. It’s a well-documented fact that Australians are all direct descendants of 17th Century Britain’s unwanted petty criminals. So while they’re unlikely to murder or rape the rest of the office staff, they’ll steal the milk out of your latte given half a chance.

Of course, it’s likely that anyone you catch sleeping on the job is Australian too – their laissez-faire outlook on working life is obvious from their willingness to work very, very hard on any project that isn’t directly related to their job, but only on the employer’s time.

It’s also a uniquely Australian thing, we’re told, should one need to go to the toilet during lunch, that they’ll wait – often to the point of endangering their lives and/or underpants – preferring to use the bathroom on the company’s time, rather than their own.

But what can I do? I’m just one person!
That’s what everyone says at first, but unless you want your office inundated by khaki-clad weirdos who like to wrestle pre-historic beasts while waist-deep in murky water, you need to act fast and nip the infestation of Aussies in the bud.

It’s a well-documented fact that Australians don’t like certain things, warm beer being principle among them. People who don’t eat meat for every meal (including morning tea) tend to aggravate them, as do people with skin darker than their own – Aussies are surprisingly racist when the opportunity presents itself.

So hire a Buddhist tea lady from Sri Lanka who serves warm beer to anyone suspected of being an Australian and judge the results for yourself. A true Aussie will be out of the office and ‘down the pub for a quick one’ before 10:30am. Then it’s a simple case of changing the locks, and getting on with your day.

You might like to try making them feel at ease before you try this tactic, as an ill-prepared Australian is more likely to jump out the window than leave by the door when faced with something they don’t like. So practice the following phrase until you’re sure you’ve got the accent just right.

“A dingo’s got my baby!”

The following pronunciation key will help:

“Ah deen-goes got moy bay bee”

This is a fairly standard greeting between Australians, and you’ll know when you’ve got the pronunciation right, because they’ll laugh themselves sick and shout the same greeting back at you twenty or thirty times. It never fails.

Tactics for ridding you of your Australian
You’ll need to be careful here – tactics that you might consider ‘normal’ for getting someone out of your life simply don’t work on Australians. Insults don’t work because they’re too thick-skinned. “Hey Fuckwit” is often heard being used by children as a way of getting their mother’s attention.
Likewise, filling the office space with venomous creatures won’t work either – the Australian landscape is full to the brim with insects, arachnids and reptiles that are at least 100 times more poisonous and 1000 times more common than anything you could possibly find.
The only thing they seem to be afraid of is sharks, but keeping one alive in an office environment can be tricky. Good luck!

When all else fails, a terse letter can help, provided it’s written out phonetically, or simply hire a New Zealander or English person who likes to talk about the cricket. The Kiwi will invariably be violently assaulted within the first ten minutes of any conversation, the Englishman within the first twenty. Then it’s a simple matter of slapping the Aussie in leg irons and popping them on a leaky boat to a faraway island.

Australians call this pastime “cruising”, and they like it a surprising amount. So much so that they can be easily fooled into thinking it’s a holiday (vacation) – which brings us to the best way to rid yourself of an Australian, should all else fail.

“Dear Worker,

It has been brought to our attention that your broad, nasal accent is upsetting some of the other staff. Hence, we’ve decided that the best possible thing to do is to help you broaden your horizons a little.

So – you’ve got a choice: you can either agree to undergo re-training and re-skilling so that we can put you to work in the basement parking cars (provided you stop stealing everything out of the ashtrays) or you can take our 21-day company-funded one-way cruise to Pitcairn Island, where you’ll be surrounded by the vast expanses of the Pacific Ocean and all of your children will be sold into sex slavery by the community elders.

It’s a fairly straightforward choice – one which you have until the close of business today to make. Failure to inform us of your choice will result in the second option being chosen for you, and your forcible removal from the premises. In chains. Just the way you like it, you stinking convict.”

We trust that this has been helpful to you, and that your office will be clear of Australians within a matter of weeks, if not days. For further instructions on how to beat the Australian menace, refer to the rest of the pamphlets we have on offer.

Other pamphlets in this series include:
When Aussies talk: A guide to understanding ‘Strine’
How to eat Vegemite: looks like shit, tastes like sick.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...