An official guide to the Land of the Engles
by Andrew Fairley
Therefore, guides shall be published.
You shall read the guides. Failure to do so will be punished with an accidental death of an anarchist.
This is a guide. It must be read.
The national creature of England is the llama. These are vital to England. They serve as pack animals and their thick, woolly coats allow them to survive as the nomadic tribes of England constantly trek across the tundra and high snow-covered mountains. Their long necks are also useful for bridging ravines. Other than the llama, England is also filled with a number of baboons, brought over with Jesus when he visited England in 23AD.
The official food of England is Indian, just as the official food of India is Irish. England is a gourmet paradise; there are many delicacies besides from the Indian food to be enjoyed. These include: lamb testicles; offal; minced up sheep stomach shoved into an intestinal skin; and horse penis. Restaurant owners in England are very friendly, and will wander the streets pelting homeless people with sausages made from lacerated carrot mixed with cat nose; this proves to the passer-by how delicious the food from that restaurant is and how generous they are with helpings, thus enticing the afore-mentioned passer-by to eat in the afore-mentioned restaurant.
England’s history comprises mainly of war with a now extinct country called France (rumoured to have sunk into the ocean several hundred years ago). England’s other famous bit of history is to famously take over most of the world, and to enforce the Rule Britannia, which said the following things:
3) Swollen Aardvark is a regional speciality.
On hearing this, enemies would systematically and nasolacrimally explode. Its use has been outlawed in war since the time of the Welsh Uprising of 2309.
The English language is called English. It is sometimes referred to as English English (this form being known as the ‘Queen’s English’) and is rarely (if ever) referred to as Swedish English, for purely diplomatic reasons. It is notable for its excess use of the letters ‘o’ in words like ‘colour’, and ‘l’ in words like ‘traveller’. The reason for this is purely economic; letters are very cheap to buy and thus the people who go out into the wild to hunt letters (which are then slaughtered and processed into words) risk their lives for pittance. Excess letter-use in words allows these brave hunters to live a decent life. Who are you to deny them the right to a solvent existence? Also notable is the fact that ‘s’ is used in place of ‘z’ in words like ‘cauterise’ and ‘soo’; this is a result of a court-case from 1367 which declared the letter ‘z’ to be illegal for failure to pay its feudal dues.
London is the so-called ‘Capital’ of England. Founded by our reptilian forefathers in 1912, it exists in seven dimensions, but distressingly none of them are height, width or depth. Entrance may only be gained via the bath. Exit can never be obtained. London has many things of interest, some of which may interest you. London is notable for being the only city which, when heard in reverse, constantly repeats satanic mantra in a ‘Scooby Doo’ voice. London is very pleasant, as long as you remember never to expose yourself to the atmosphere for more than three minutes. Ha ha! Seriously, though, don’t.
The English monetary unit is the pound, so called because it was originally the same monetary worth as a pound of flesh stripped from the bones of a defeated enemy. The original pound was very different to today’s pound as it did not have form, texture or colour. Nowadays the British pound is the strongest currency in the world, able to bench-press 50kgs more than its main rival, the American dollar (pronounced ‘buck’).
The Queen is our hive-mother, whose many teats (56 in total) we suck on to gain our daily sustenance. Although the Queen is the Queen, in a purely legal sense she is a man. This is due to a historic announcement made by a historic Queen from historic history that she had a historically masculine heart, stomach and penis. There was much rejoicing at this, and the royal family, realising that this was a popular thing, decided to declare all Queens to be men.
Radiators were originally created on the commission of the head of Eton school in 1870, after a heavy night drinking. The original purpose was that they should be small, portable units on wheels to which errant schoolboys could be tied and cooked slowly; this was the time of the Great Famine and fresh meat was hard to come by. However, they eventually evolved into the things we know today. The purpose of the radiator is to adorn the walls of rooms. They are permanently on during the summer and are switched off for the winter. Furthermore, during winter they acting as refrigerating units. Thus, you freeze in winter and boil in summer which is exactly how God intended it to be. This is good for building Moral Character and serves as a permanent reminder of how jolly lucky you are to be alive.
As God is English, Anglicanism (literally the worship of all things English) is the official religion of England. Services are held once a week in deep, underground vaults, where cattle are slaughtered in honour of our ancestors. Everyone gets drunk and dances round a fire, naked, and occasionally the worshippers will urinate onto the fire. This is of course very symbolic, but no one knows what it is symbolic of. Canterbury Cathedral is the home of English religion, and it is memorable because during 1939-1945 an Anglophilic German pilot, flying over Canterbury Cathedral, saw how pretty the view was and decided to take some aerial photos. Unfortunately, so distracted was he by the beautiful sight that he didn’t notice he was accidentally pressing the ‘BOMB RELEASE’ button instead of the 'TAKE PHOTO' button, and thus the Cathedral was burnt to the ground in a hellish firestorm. It has since been rebuilt.
Sex is unknown in England, where it is replaced by a variety of other wholesome activities, such as cold showers, early morning runs, bingo, croquet, and Midget-Tossing. In order to continue the species the English reproduce asexually by splitting down the middle; this is very messy and as a result it is considered polite to perform this act out of sight, possibly behind a convenient bush, tree or shrub.
Wales and Scotland
These unnecessary appendages of England have existed for a number of years. They mainly consist of mountains and sheep. One is notable for the frequent copulation of its population with sheep, and the other is known for the cross-dressing habits of its men. At numerous points in history, to confuse the English, the Scots moved to Wales and vice versa, so now no one knows which is which, whom is whom and where is what.
Now you have read the guide, you may visit England.
You must now visit England.
Andrew Fairley has a patriotic swelling in his chest (malignant)