Injuries I inflicted on myself during Star Wars III

1. Fractured index finger, right hand Sustained in self-defence during the ghastly "banter" between Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen in the dogfight scene. The finger was merely badly sprained until I realised that McGregor, star of genuinely good movies such as Trainspotting, was being outacted by R2D2, the star-speckled and unconvincing backdrop and his own beard. 2. Dislocated kneecap, left leg Caused by violent convulsions brought about by the scripting of the first love scene between Natalie Portman and Christensen. Current theories suggest that my knee was performing actions consistent with running away, out of the cinema, to another cinema in another land, where a better film might be playing. Sadly I was wedged into an Ewok-sized seat in a soulless Odeon box, hence the damage caused to my patella and surrounding tissue. 3. Undisclosed male-specific injuries While the nature of these injuries is confidential, for fear of corrupting children, I can confirm that these were self-inflicted at a steadily increasing rate unpon the dawning realisation that even Natalie Portman could be made to look pasty-faced and unattractive, therefore removing much of the joy of being a heterosexual male. 4. Spiral fractures, both legs Sustained while attempting, still wedged in the aforementioned seat of misery and disappointment, to perform the high-octane fight-scene acrobatics that Christopher Lee's character Count Dooku should have been engaged in had he, the film's only capable actor, not been killed within five seconds of appearing on-screen by that Christensen brat despite Dooku supposedly being a mighty warrior. 5. Severed left hand Removed after the eleventh or twelfth lightsabre fight ending in someone getting their hand chopped off. It seemed to be the done thing. 6. Punctured lung Caused by stabbing myself repeatedly in the chest to quell the rising urge to vote Republican, brought about by a reaction against the horribly ham-fisted political commentary in one or other of those tedious Council scenes. 7. Gouged eye, right Lost during the dual lightsabre fights between McGregor, Christensen, McDiarmid and General Grievous, probably in the mistaken belief that no lightsabre battle could actually be actively boring and that therefore the problem must have lain with my own eyes. 8. Shattered pelvis Thrown at the screen in a desperate yet futile attempt to prevent Hayden bastarding Christensen mouthing the agonisingly inane line "the best day of my life" on hearing that his illicit wife is up the duff. 9. Fractured skull (six places) Prompted by Christensen's line "I'm overwhelmed", delivered in such wooden fashion that I slammed my head repeatedly into a nearby wall in order that I might suffer hallucinations from the cerebral damage and thus actually be overwhelmed. By something. Anything. The gap between the line's content and delivery was so great I was forced to redress the balance through the medium of cranial trauma. 10. Third-degree burns over 35% of my body Self-inflicted during the scene where Anakin slides slowly towards the lava and catches fire; I was envious and wanted to die. 11. Severed self-respect I paid to see this. I paid George Lucas to see this. Spoiler Warning: plot or ending details above

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