People in the Cinema
Live Film Critic Not content to wait until the film's finished to discuss its pros and cons with his peers, Live Film Critic takes it upon himself to provide everyone in the cinema with a free-of-charge running commentary on what he thinks of the film. Whether you like it or not. Insicive comments include:
"How much longer is this going on for?" "Wasn't he in Wild Wild West?" "I bet they done that with computers." "Groarr! She's a bit of alright!"In addition to these kinds of comments, Live Film Critic will also dub his own lines onto the movie's dialogue in the manner of Mystery Science Theater 3000, except not funny. His chums inevitably join in on this until you can't actually hear the real dialogue. This is because Live Film Critics lack the cogniscent ability to realise that they are not currently in their own living room at home and are in fact in a dark room full of increasingly annoyed people who just paid £6.50 to watch the film he is currently ruining with his loudmouthed posturing. It is a testament to the restraint of the average British cinemagoer that Live Film Critics generally leave the theatre without being murdered. El Crinkle Grande No matter where you sit you'll know El Crinkle has taken full advantage of the cinema's overpriced snack counter, as his incessant rustling, chewing and slurping is audible for a distance of up to three miles. The Crinkler always makes sure to buy enough noisy food to sustain him throughout the entire film, because he couldn't possibly survive two straight hours of sitting down whilst not constantly ingesting junk food. Mercifully, The Crinkler's preoccupation with shovelling food into his mouth means he rarely speaks, but when he does it's best to dive for cover - the barrage of unswallowed popcorn fragments will explode from his mouth in a very nasty "sawnoff shotgun" fasion. Seat-back Kicker The fabled Seat-back Kicker is actually employed by the cinema, as a sort of ceremonial retainer of one of the oldest cinematic traditions there is. Ergo, that wanker behind you who keeps spasmodically kicking your seat. Commonly crossbred with The Crinkler, Seat-back Kicker is instinctually driven to sit directly behind me specifically. The Lost Incontinent If your cinematic enjoyment is suddenly interrupted by someone shuffling down your aisle in a flurry of "sorry, `scuse me, terribly sorry", chances are you've had a brush with The Lost Incontinent - otherwise known as the guy who should have gone before the film. His frequent trips to the lavvy aren't so offensive on their own, afterall, when you gotta go you gotta go. No, the man's real problem is his sense of direction - or lack of one. When he returns from the toilet he is completely incapable of finding the seat he was previously occupying, and ends up wandering around directly in front of the screen for several minutes trying to find it. Sometimes they find their way back, other times they simply get lost in the depths of the cinema and die of starvation, their corpses only being discovered weeks later by cleaners when customers complain about the smell. Those who survive learn to hold it in until the end credits. Satan's Brood Small children are by nature hyperactive gobby inquisitive little puke dispensers, so logically you'd think the best place to take them would be the park, where they can cavort around to their heart's content until tired out or abducted. But no, the parents of THESE kids thought it'd be just a swell idea to take them to the cinema instead - a bad decision which ranks right up there with Mr. and Mrs. Kilroy-Silk's decision to have the baby afterall. You see, a child, especially one bought up on an intraveinous diet of Sunny Delight and Tweenies and Cartoon Network and amphetamines like today's kids, is PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF SITTING STILL AND BEING QUIET. This is why it is an act of the utmost naivety to sit a large group of them in a dark, mysterious auditorium for two hours and expect them not to shout, cry, wander off, hit eachother and puke everywhere constantly. But parents continue to do so, and kids continue to shout, cry, wander, hit and puke. Due to slipping standards of parental discipline, or possibly because said parents are doped up to their eyeballs on whatever antidepressants they're taking, Mum and Dad are loath to stop their children from misbehaving, meaning the kids are free to roam around the landscape pissing everyone off without fear of reprisal. On the opposite end of the scale we have the parents who beat the shit out of their kids for the slightest insubordination, which inevitably leads to lots of loud crying and even louder requests to "STOP CRYING!" from the parent, which causes still more crying. Either way, your enjoyment of the film is still compromised, the lesson being that children should be outlawed. Fanboy Army With the renewed popularity of superhero and fantasy films of late, the Fanboy Army are becoming a more common sight in the local multiplex. Arranging their trip to the cinema over the internet, taking as many of their chums with them for safety in numbers. When they hit the cinema, they will commonly be dressed as their favourite character, be it Gandalf, Aragorn, Spiderman, Hermione, Third Jawa From The Left and soforth, somewhat like Sing-Along-A-Sound-Of-Music or a Fathers 4 Justice demonstration but marginally less embarrassing. Talking during the film is usually confined to disgruntled utterances of "Worst. Adaptation. Ever." unless the film truly is dire, at which point they may storm out of the cinema in a strop and demand the manager tell them why he agreed to show this film which has "RAPED MY CHILDHOOD". This will happen if it is a Star Wars prequel. Other than that the fanboys don't cause much disruption, other than the pervasive odour of Doritos and the occasional wizard hat blocking your view of the screen. Your Nan It's rather difficult these days to take old folks to the cinema without exposing them to bits of films you REALLY don't want to be watching with your mum's mum. You might choose the most innoffensive-sounding film to watch, but still, somewhere down the line, someone's taking off an item of clothing or saying a cussword, and your nan's going to be shocked and appalled. Remember, until teenagers were invented in the 1950s, people didn't swear, and reproduced asexually - so your geriatric charge will naturally be stunned into a disgusted silence when Ben Affleck gets it on with the female lead, or emits an obscenity stronger than anything you'd get in your average Dickson Of Dock Green episode. Pop Culture Reference Getter If you're watching a hip, modern, self-aware movie (like 99% of all modern Hollywood productions) you're going to encounter cultural references. These are oft-cryptic allusions to tropes, idioms, archetypes or specific scenes and dialogue from other films and audio-visual media. They are put there in part to pay tribute to the director's favourite films and TV, but mostly they're there for Pop Culture Reference Getter to get. When the Getter gets a reference, he will be filled with a sense of great self-worth and excitement, loudly declaring to his friends that he has recognised what the film makers were talking about and is therefore Mr. Cultural Genius because he's watched some other films and remembered things about them. If you're watching a Quentin Tarantino film be prepared for the Getter's head to explode due to a reference overdose, as the average Tarantino film consists of three original lines of dialogue propped up by two hours' worth of clever-clogs referencing. Some Getters don't actually know what the references are about, but have strategically read the Trivia section on the film's IMDB entry prior to watching, in order to seem like a fountain of knowledge to his cinema-buddies. Gobby Internet Writer This neurotic adolescent sits in the middle row of the theatre, actively seeking out things to be annoyed and distracted by. He isn't actually watching the film - no, he's furtively looking around at his fellow patrons and thinking up condescending smart-arse things to write about their behavioural patterns, which he then tries to pass off as social commentary on some website. Tosser.
What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...
WANT MORE FUNNY LIKE THIS? FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK