Political Discourse Vol I. - Finding a Voice

Right: You goddamn lefties are all the same. Left: But... Right: Yeah yeah... I hear ya. Let me guess - you're about to lay some of that heavy-duty white middle class guilt on me, right? You're gonna try and tell me that because I won the lottery of birth, I have to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty about past grievances perpetrated by my forefathers on the unsuspecting poor folk of the world, right? Well, it ain't gonna wash. You hear? I won't fall for it. Go wring your hands and let your heart bleed somewhere else... Left: But... Right: But what? You don't really believe all that shit, do you? Whatever happened to the idea of the best man for the job? I have to hire someone who's black just because he's black, when there's a white guy who could do the job just as well? You're fucking kidding me, right? Left: But... Right: But nothing. I know your type. Always whinging and whining and walking around with your goddamn hand out, expecting everything for nothing. Jesus! The taxes I pay just to keep food on your fucking table. Why should I subsidise welfare mothers, just so they can keep breeding and never go to work? We should privatise the welfare system - there's no waste in private enterprise. Give it all to someone like McDonalds and let them sort it out. Besides, What's wrong with these welfare recipients? Are they just too damned lazy to do an honest bit of labour? Left: But... Right: Yeah - I knew it. You bleeding hearts are all the fucking same. I bet you went out and protested against the war, didn't you? You make me sick. Thousands of honest, hard-working servicemen went and put their lives on the line to make the world a safer place, and you want them to stop? Do you want people like Saddam Hussein wandering around with weapons of mass destruction? Left: But... Right: But nothing. The people of Iraq desperately needed to be liberated. Sure, we went looking for bombs, but when there weren't any, we liberated the people. It was a noble, just and right thing to do. Left: But... Right: Oh sure, we killed a few civilians. But that's what war is all about. People get in the way when we're liberating them, they're gonna get hurt. I wish it were different, I really, really, do... but it's not. War is hell, son. War is hell. Left: But... Right: If you're about to start bitching about how much the war cost us, let me tell you this: I would rather my tax dollars went to liberating the downtrodden and securing the rebuilding contracts for honest, decent western corporations than to some slack-jawed bitch so she can squeeze out another pup to live of the over-burdened welfare system. Hell... to think otherwise is just plain un-democratic! You're not some sort of communist, are you? Left: But... Right: I knew it! You and your Stalinist mates make me wanna puke. My daddy taught me right from wrong, buddy - and one of the lessons he learnt the hard way was that the only good communist is a dead one. My daddy did three yours in 'Nam, you ungrateful little shit. Six of his best friends came home in body bags. And you want to turn it all around and make their sacrifice for nothing. I should just put a bullet in your head right now and do the world a favour. Left: But... Right: Oh! So you don't like guns either, huh? Jesus, you're such a pussy. My daddy taught me to shoot when I was three years old. I could barely string a sentence together, but I could pick a soda can off a fence post at two hundred yards with open sights. I still have my first rifle, and you know why I keep it? I keep it because I know one day the likes of you will be in government and I'm going to be called upon to defend my home. Left: But... Right: I don't believe it... You'd love it if I had to give up my guns, wouldn't you? You'd just love that. Well, I tell you what. You can take them from me when I'm dead. But you'll have to fight my kids for them, too. Because you can rest assured that they'll be taught to shoot, and it'll be shoot to kill. Left: But... Right: Oh! Of course! It's wrong to kill people, isn't it! Well, justifiable homicide is phrase you'd better learn, and learn fast. Rest assured that if I find some pervert rapist creeping around my house at night, he'll wake up in hell with a couple of 9mm rounds in his head. You better believe it. No sir, there's nothing wrong with killing someone... Left: But... Right: I'll stop you there and tell you this, though. Abortion is wrong. That kind of killing someone is wrong. I mean, it's ok for the police to kill people, and it's fine for me to kill someone if I have to, and god knows that the State can execute people if they see fit, but killing an unborn baby is wrong. What gives a woman the right to play God, huh? What gives her the right to choose whether or not the bundle of life she's carrying should live or die? No sir, you can't kill a baby. Left: But... Right: But don't you expect me to pay for it once it's born. No sir, I don't believe that I should work my 38-hour week just so some stupid slut can bring another mouth into the world for me to feed. They should be putting them up for adoption. If they don't want their babies, then give 'em to someone else. There are loads of people that want babies but can't have them, so that's what we'll do. We'll get all the welfare mothers to give up their kids to us so we can bring them up and educate them and teach them to hunt and shoot and then ship them off to military school so they can learn to fight for freedom and democracy and go and serve overseas and kill foreigners and earn medals and learn about the world so that when they come back they get an expensive tertiary education and go out into the workforce and work their 40 hour week and pay as little tax as possible so that after we've spent it all on guns and missiles and really big planes to drop bombs on more foreigners, there won't be any left over for the welfare mothers to leech off. Left: But... that's crazy! Right: Life is crazy. Deal with it. Left: Yes Sir.

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