7
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: You and two friends are driving Billy Graham home when your car breaks down on a deserted road. It is midnight, and you have not seen another car in nearly an hour. You still have miles to go, and Dr. Graham is anxious to get home, as one of his houseguests has come down with demon possession and is in urgent need of exorcism. You are wondering what to do when one of your friends, Phil, says, "Hey, I think I see a mail box across the street. I'll go see if anyone at the house can help us." He walks across the street and into the woods. Moments later, you hear a piercing scream, and remember too late that Phil suffers from "Ursa/stipes arca oculitis," or the congenital inability to visually distinguish mail boxes from bears. You, Dr. Graham, and your other friend Tom rush across the street to find Phil laying just inside the woodline, horribly mauled. "Phil!" you say. "Hold on!" Phil weakly throws a hand out in a warning gesture. "Wait," he gasps with his dying breath, "it's not safe--" But it's too late. A hidden rope snaps tightly around your ankle, and you are jerked off your feet, finding yourself suspended upside-down from a tree limb. After you reorient yourself, you see that Tom and Dr. Graham are in a similar condition. You are too shocked to feel much else, but Tom is angry, and, perhaps unfairly, takes it out on Dr. Graham. "Where's Jesus NOW, huh?" he jeers. Dr. Graham, perhaps overtired and cranky given the day's exertions, gives Tom the finger -- and, when Tom swings close enough, follows up with a vicious punch to the crotch. Much bickering ensues, until finally you shout, "That's enough! Phil is dead, and we've obviously been trapped by some sort of renegade band, either ninjas or displaced pygmies. We've got to figure out what to do." You hope this will bring Dr. Graham and Tom to their senses, but it only sparks another ugly argument, this time on whether your captors are ninjas or pygmies. The argument stops abruptly, however, when your tormentors come out of the forest, brandishing weapons. Oddly enough, it turns out they are pygmy ninjas. They cut you down, bind your hands, and take you to their leader, who turns out to be Ernest Borgnine. You feel a bitter pang of irony at this, as just yesterday afternoon you and Phil had been coming up with a list of celebrities who were most unlikely to head up a tribe of hostile pygmy martial-arts masters, and Borgnine was right at the top of that list. "Who trespasses in my domain?" Borgnine asks. You identify yourselves and plead with him to release you. "Please, Mr. Borgnine!" you beg. "This is Billy Graham! We need to get him home." Borgnine grins maniacally. "Billy Graham, eh? I've been waiting years for this moment! I lost the lead role in 'The Phantom' to you, sir, and now I shall have my revenge!" You try to tell Borgnine that he is thinking of Billy Zane, but he is having none of it. The three of you are tied to a spit and placed over a fire to roast. Once again, Tom takes out his frustration on Dr. Graham. "Where's Jesus NOW, old man?" he sneers. And then suddenly, Jesus arrives. The sound of whirling helicopter blades fills the air. A Black Hawk descends from the night sky, and as it hovers, a rope drops from its open bay door. Down the rope flashes a figure clad in blinding white. He hits the ground running, and in a flurry of kung-fu devastation, overpowers all the ninjas. After he finishes securing their bonds, he turns to Borgnine. "Ernest," he says quietly. "My old teacher." Borgnine offers the man a sinister smile. "Jesus," he replies. "My favorite pupil." "Your reign of terror is over, old man," Jesus says. "I think not!" Borgnine replies, and the two fly at each other, trading kung-fu blows faster than the eye can accurately follow. After what seems an eternity, Borgnine lies bleeding on the ground. "Finish it," he rasps, with hatred in his eyes. "No, old man," the man in white says. "I won't be killing you today. You won't have the satisfaction of dragging me to your level. Take him away, boys." As several Green Berets -- who exited the Black Hawk as Jesus and Borgnine were fighting -- load their prisoners into the helicopter, the man in white cuts your bonds. You rise, free at last -- except for Tom, who was stuck on the bottom of the spit and was roasted to death sometime during the melee. "Hi, folks," the man in white says, sticking out his hand. "Jesus is the name -- Jesus Guiterrez, U.S. Army Special Forces. Sorry about the white outfit -- accidentally dumped some bleach in the load." You shake his hand warmly. "Thank you," you say. "How did you find us?" "Oh, we've had our eye on this place for a while," Jesus says. "Sorry about your friend, by the way." He gives you and Dr. Graham a lift on the Black Hawk, dropping Dr. Graham at his house just in time to perform the exorcism, then, at your request, taking you back to where you left your car after calling AAA and arranging for a tow truck to meet you there. Since there is no good place for the Black Hawk to land, you have to rappel to the ground. The helicopter has already flown away when you realize that during your absence, someone has broken into your disabled car and stolen your stereo. DOES THIS FUCKING FIGURE, OR WHAT?
