2
Which of the following phrases do you feel best describes you?
3
You are walking home from a trip to the grocery store when you happen to spot a passerby who looks quite a bit like platinum-selling singer Rob Thomas. You say, "Excuse me, are you Rob Thomas?" to which he answers, "Yes, I am." Then you scream a scream of primal rage and beat him to death with your grocery sack, which fortunately is heavy on the canned goods. Afterwards, as you stare down at his blood-soaked, twitching corpse, it occurs to you to check the grocery bag. Sure enough, the eggs have been ruined, and you promised your family that you would make egg'n'sausage burritoes for dinner tonight.. You will have to make another trip to the store. Was beating Rob Thomas to death worth the inconvenience it caused you?
4
Which of the following is not a palindrome? Remember, there are no wrong answers.
5
During a night of drinking in a seedy waterfront bar, you hit it off with a local pirate captain, who takes you home and makes violent love to you. In order to be sensitive to his worldview, what do you scream as you approach climax?
6
One morning, as you relax with breakfast and watch "Ellen," there is a knock at the door. When you answer it, a man in a suit stands there holding a briefcase. "I'm here with a proposition," he says. In this briefcase is $1,000,000 in small bills and a button. If you want the money, tax-free, all you have to do is press the button. Just press the button and the money's yours. However, pressing the button will cause something unpleasant to happen to someone you don't even know." You are horrified. "I can't agree to that," you say. "It would be greedy and evil." You start glancing covertly over your shoulder, because Ellen's next guest is Tom Selleck and you don't want to miss him, but your visitor does not seem to notice. "Relax," he says. "You even get to choose what happens from a list of unpleasant things. Whatever you want. Just make the choice, press the button, and collect a million dollars." The deal sounds good to you, so finally you agree. Which of the following unpleasant things would you MOST like to befall an innocent stranger?
7
While walking through the woods one day, you stumble across an old, dusty bottle. Because you are a cretin who has nothing better to do than inspect other people's cast-off drinking vessels, you pick up the bottle and start to rub it, wondering all the while if the whole image isn't uncomfortably masturbatory. Suddenly, a genie rockets forth from the mouth of the bottle, which doesn't help you to get the self-gratification imagery out of your head. However, the genie makes up for it by agreeing to grant you a wish. "But only if you wish for one specific thing," he says. "I'm not a very good genie." It turns out that the genie's only power is to grant you the ability to induce sudden, violent, shrieking orgasm in post-menopausal women, simply by saying the words, "Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2" in a squeaky voice. In which of the following situations do you think the ability would give you the most entertainment value?
8
Hammerhead shark or Inflate-a-Mate love doll? Choose!
9
After being perhaps a bit overserved at the local tavern, you find yourself in a brawl with a huge barfly named Killer. Killer has been a fixture at the bar for years, and is feared by everyone there. He is six-foot-seven, covered in tattoos, and has knife scars on both cheeks. As he pounds you into the pool table like a nail, you manage to gasp, "Why are you so hostile?" Suddenly, the fight seems to go out of Killer. He stops hitting you and sits on the pool table. Suddeny, he looks very old. Tears glisten in his eyes. "No one's ever cared enough to ask me that," he says. "I guess, at the root of it all, was my desparate need to be accepted by my father. I tried. God knows I tried. But he was a hard man! He never even told me he loved me." Killer falls to his knees, sobbing loudly and unashamedly. "Oh, Daddy!" he cries. "Why can't you LOVE ME?!?" He lays there on the barroom floor, emotionally vulnerable for perhaps the first time in his adult life. Which of the following improvised weapons do you use to take him out while his attention is misdirected?
10
As part of a fraternity initiation, you are required to run naked through a high-school cafeteria, throwing Hostess Twinkies in the air and singing, "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy." On the way out of the cafeteria, you are intercepted by police, who give you a horrible beating before sending you to jail for the night, which you spend alternately coughing and urinating blood. How much, taking into account the changing social mores and cyclically fluctuating attitudes on sexual liberation, does that suck?
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