A- Please take a seat.
B- Thank you.
A- My name is Gilbert. This is Bunny. We’ll be conducting the interview with you today.
B- Hello Gilbert. Howdy Bunny. Does Bunny speak?
C- Meep.
A- Hello. Well first I suppose I’d like to put you at your ease by asking you to tell us a little about yourself, maybe how you’ve spent the last few years.
B- Bunny scare me.
C- Meep.
B- Well, I’d like to describe myself as a man of action but I’d be lying tremendously. Most days I spend almost entirely in bed masturbating into a plastic cup which they will never take from me. I’m not usually allowed forks but when I am I like to spin around until I am dizzy and then stab myself in the face to see if I can hit my eye. I gather all my sustenance from mouse urine which I only drink from the source. Stuffed toys fear me. Yesterday I realised after three days of trying that I cannot lick my elbows.
A- Okay, well, yes, well, why do you want to work for us?
B- I don’t really but Mungo says that unless I get a job he will have my testicles. Your company was the first one I selected by throwing wet cornflakes at a newspaper.
C- Meep.
A- What do you consider to have been your greatest achievement in life?
B- This life?
A- What?
B- It’s just that...never mind. Well it’s hard to say really since a boating accident left me unable to remember anything before last May. But I would have to say that being president of Norway rates highly.
A- Um, okay, how hard, no not that question, ah, how would a harsh critic describe you?
B- Who?
A- Just someone random and harsh.
B- Like my mum?
A- No, just someone...
B- Well, she would call me…
A- No! A random person.
B- Has someone said something?
A- No...
C- Meep.
B- Have you...?
A- Right! Which three words best describe you?
B- Good question! I’m going to have to think about that one. Let me see…does ‘Anti-Semitic’ count as just one word?
A- ...
B- Never mind. I would say ‘Leaky’, ‘Purple’, and, a third, a third, I know! ‘Vengeful’.
A- Thank you, okay, ah, Bunny?
C- Meep!
A- Yes, what can you bring to a team?
B- Hm…I can bring a fair amount of narcotics...
A- And what role do you think you would take in a team?
B- If I was completely honest with you I would have to say that I am not Hannibal. I don’t think I’m funny enough to be Murdoch or cool enough to be Face. I guess that makes me B.A. Especially since I ain’t goin’ on no fucking plane! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! HA!
A- Yes...
B- Is that your belt?
A- Okay, I don’t have any more questions. We’ll probably get back to you tomorrow with news of whether you do not have the job or do have the job or do not.
B- Wow, thanks. I was worried about this interview but I’ve actually enjoyed myself. If I don’t get the job I’ll cut you.
C- Meep!
