So you've hired a hippie

Congratulations! You’re probably wondering why you’ve been given this pamphlet by a member of your staff, or a concerned family member. It’s nothing to worry about, really. They just thought you might benefit from a few pointers, to help you deal with your recent decision to hire a hippie.

There are many reasons people hire hippies. Sometimes, you need someone to perform a really menial task, and the government has cracked down on illegal immigrants. Other times, we might not even realise they are hippies before we give them the job.

But the end result is the same. You now have a hippie on the payroll. That really is a spot of bother, and I can assure you that the shareholders, while they may claim to be liberal-minded, would rather eat week-old fecal matter from Iraq than keep a hippie in a job.

What can you do?
First of all, you need to make sure you are, indeed, working with a hippie. There are several key things to look out for, and these are things that you should check for regularly – they often disguise themselves until well after the interview process.

The first, and most obvious, thing is smell. Hippies are, generally, quite malodorous. If you have a staff member that you can still smell ten minutes after they’ve left your office, chances are you’ve got yourself a hippie. If you’re lucky enough to have an office situated high above the work area, affording you an excellent view of your team, it’s even easier. Just look for the concentric circles of nausea – at the centre of this easily discernible bullseye, you’ll find the culprit. Check quickly to make sure it wasn’t just a fart, then move in.

If you suffer from a rare disorder (lack of adenoids, coke addiction, etc) that has rendered your sense of smell all but useless, the next best place to check for hippies is near the floor – by looking at your worker’s shoes, of course! Everyone knows that hippies love sandals – so if your staff are wearing brown leather ‘Jesus Creepers’ to work, there’s every chance you’ll need to be firing someone pretty soon. But, don’t be too hasty! Sandals and bare feet means hippies – Sandals and socks means steam train enthusiast, or pedophile. Don’t get them mixed up!

Another common mistake is to be wary of men with long hair. Most men with long hair these days are homosexuals, Satanists or hippies.

1) If your employee with long hair dresses really well, he’s probably into musical theatre – a quick rendition of ‘Three Little Maids from School’ should flush him out. Or just ask for anal sex if you’re still not sure.
2) If he wears all black, he’s probably a Satanist. Check his locker for chickens and his wastepaper basket for more than one dead baby. Just one baby corpse only holds up in court in California… you’ll need two to make your point in every other state.
3) If he prefers the look off cheesecloth, drives a bongo van and has a permanent aura of ‘everything’s happening last week and I can’t deal with it, man,’ he’s a hippie. Resist the urge to hit him with a shovel – it’ll only encourage him to dig a ‘Peace Garden’ on your front lawn when he comes out of the coma.

The problems with hippies
Having hippies on the payroll presents a few problems, such as when your role demands the implementation of rules. Rules, when forced upon hippies, may have a range of effects. For instance, you could be accused by your hippie of ‘harshing my buzz’ when you ask him not to meditate on the floor of the office at lunchtime. You might also have to endure the vague response of ‘woah, man’ to every single syllable you utter.

Worst of all, your hippie might be one of the rare, more aggressive forms. You know… the ones who put up posters urging everyone around them to stop harming the tofu, and only eat ice cubes and drink – or worse, smoke – green tea. The best way to deal with such a hippie is to follow the school of thought promoted by most surgeons – open the body up, remove the cancer with something sharp, and then bombard the whole sorry mess with radiation. It isn’t wise to shower the situation with drugs – drugs just make hippies stronger, and any strengthening of resolve will result in a ‘sit-in’, which can render an entire workspace uninhabitable in less than ten minutes.

If your workplace has been the site of a ‘sit-in’, your best bet is to completely seal the building in four feet of reinforced concrete, and wait 60 years for the smell to dissipate. For plans on how to achieve this, study all the footage you can get your hands on of the clean up after Chernobyl. Or Woodstock – those guys really knew how to clean up after the hippies.

How to fire a hippie
These days, workplace laws on hiring and firing are a lot more stringent than they used to be. But take a leaf from the book of your forefathers, men whose business acumen meant that when they fired someone, they really fired them. Into space, in some memorable instances. This one time, in Russia, they sent a whole bunch of people into space, just because they were lazy, and wouldn’t make shoes. True story.

But I digress.

The easiest way to get rid of a hippie is simple confrontation. Take them aside, call them names, and pull their hair. A true hippie will simply moan a bit, and then cry throughout the rest of the operation. Anyone who fights back should be put back on the payroll, given a bonus to keep quiet, and over a period of several months, given a corner office, new secretary and a couple of gentle hints on the topic of tonsorial elegance. (I may have just made that word up, but I can’t be sure. Sorry.) Try leaving small cards around the office – cards that read “Get your fucking haircut, you look like a chick and it’s bothering us all” should work just fine.

We’ve taken the step of preparing a speech for you to deliver should you find that your hippie is proving as difficult to move as the stains on his eyeballs from where he’s been sticking hypodermic syringes because all of his veins have collapsed from shooting up marijuana. And fly spray.

Simply read this prepared statement and all will be well.

“Dear Hippie,

As you may be aware I, as head of this company, have decided that your period of employment is about to come to an abrupt end. This is because you’re untrustworthy, refuse to wash and won’t stop crapping on about Bob Dylan and his friend Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Whoever, or whatever, Lucy may be, this is a place of business, not some North Korean commune where you and friends can fornicate and take drugs and listen to records and drink whiskey and cavort and have loads and loads of babies. I simply won’t stand for it.

I’ve taken the liberty of packing your belongings – you will find them in a large and dishevelled pile directly beneath this window. See? Just down there… you’ll see them all much better if you lean out the window…yes…that’s right… just a little further… that’s the way…”

Then it’s just a simple ‘oops!’, and they’re gone.

No more forced bonhomie around the water cooler discussing the relative hilarities of AIDS in the third world, the unforgivable anger of the Christian Right or who would win an arm wrestle, Gerry Garcia or the combined strength of Peter, Paul and Mary. Your hippie will be gone, and the world will be a much, much better place.

We trust that you’ve found this pamphlet useful, and we encourage you to share it with your friends. You will find other pamphlets on the following topics at the same place you found this one.

Alternative fuels and hippies – it smells like roasted pork
Hemp – neither fun nor useful, no matter what they tell you
If the dead were really grateful, they should have stayed dead
Oh God! They’re eating my rose garden – aphids, hippies and how to control them all

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