Election Chaos in World

A controversial report published yesterday has revealed that the results of several recent elections may be more complicated than was previously thought.

The Supreme Court appeal against the Supreme Court ruling against the involvement of the Supreme Court in the Florida elections has found that, discounting marked, damaged, defaced, scratched, "unacceptable" and unmarked ballots, the actual winner of the Florida election was the Supreme Court. Robert Mugabe is said to be challenging the decision.

In Zimbabwe, Morgan Tsvangirai has lost out by 115% percent of the vote to George W. Bush. Bush is reported to be "pleased" with the win, declaring the region to be a "very important continent in this proud country of Africa". Liberia has refused to acknowledge the result, as the margin would not be enough to win an overall majority under Liberian electoral law. President Bush responded by declaring Liberia to be a "rogue state".

Meanwhile, in Chechnya, the population have voted against the existence of Russia in the area's first elections. The region will now be officially termed "Nash Oblast, vsjo Nashjevo". Putin is reported to have responded by releasing the hounds.

Early exit polls in Yugoslavian elections indicate that the vast majority of voters have voted for themselves, although our correspondent reports that many already autonomous members of the electorate have become distrustful of their own rule and have instigated civil war. The region earlier changed its name by referendum to "Croatia and Serbia and Bosnia and Herzegovina and Macedonia and Slovenia and Monte and Negr and O".

A cross-disciplinary panel of Oxford scholars have voted to abolish the term "civil war" on the grounds that it is an oxymoron. The Academie Francaise has voted to abolish cross-disciplinary panels of Oxford scholars for similar reasons, only in French.

China today inaugurated the "one man, one vote" principle for all future elections. The one man in question voted at approximately 3.30pm GMT. Exit polls are so far inconclusive. The USA has backed what it calls "free, fair democracy" in the country, adding that it supports the Chinese Government's assertion that the mass rioting in Tibet that erupted as news of the election was broadcast was evidence of the Tibetan people's unwavering support for China's leaders. Jiang Zemin has described "death to the Chinese dictator" banners as being meant "ironically".

At teatime on the third day of the British General Election, Tony Blair and the Labour party have declared at 683 for 2.

Despite his continuing attempts to gain a lead in the elections of two years ago, Al Gore's latest stratagem - the construction of three new Floridas in the Caribbean Sea - has failed due to the "unfortunate" preponderance of people called Chad. Gore's own attempt to "punch a chad" resulted in ugly scenes in the Supreme Court. President Mugabe has declared the result to be the "death-knell for British colonialism".

Despite objections by left-wing politicians and celebrities, the Supreme Court has ruled that there is "nothing wrong" with the governor of Florida granting the Republican party's request for a receipt.

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