God Speaks!

The following is an interview between Timothy James Nicastro and God, alleged creator of the worlds.

T: God, great to see you again.

G: Hi, Tim.

T: How have you been lately?

G: Oh, I’ve been pretty good. I’ve been keeping myself busy.

T: Always good to hear. Now, I know that you’ve been under a lot of heat recently from the whole tsunami affair and the wars and such ... do you have anything to say about that?

G: I’d like to say, for the record, the tsunami was meant to be funny. I swear. You people take everything so seriously. I threw down life vests too, but no one talks about those, they just talk about the tsunami. And the war? If you’re referring to the Iraq war, I’d like to state that I have no relationship with your President Bush. Any relationship that he claims exists ... doesn’t. As God, I’m obliged to love all people. However, I don’t have to like them.

T: I understand, I don’t like him either. Now, what with these disasters and the Red Sox winning the World Series and all, there’s been talk about a Second Coming. Any comment on that?

G: I hate to ruin the surprise, but I will say this: hope you guys evolve to fly ...

T: That brings me to my next question. Evolution ... real or not?

G: Well ... people that believe the Bible are going to be angry at me for this one. I did create Adam and Eve. And I did try to create Adam in my own image. But I was running low on matter clay, so I just took a monkey and crafted Adam from that. So you did indeed resemble monkeys and I’ll probably keep seeing little imperfections and fixing those. Plus the whole regular evolution thing, that’s gonna play a major role soon enough.

T: I see. So, God ... may I call you God?

G: Well you have been so far, so you may as well continue.

T: Thank you.

G: No problem.

T: So God, what do you have to say about Jesus?

G: I’m afraid I don’t understand the question.

T: Is he your son, or just some crazy prophet?

G: Oh, he’s my son, but we’re trying to keep that on the down low. It’s gonna be part of the Apocalypse celebration.

T: I see. I won’t ask you more about him then.

G: I appreciate that.

T: Well, I don’t want to piss off God.

G: That’s true...you don’t.

T: Right. So, is there a Mrs. God?

G: Laughs -- Oh, not right now. I’m far too busy with this “omnipotent deity” thing. Speaking of which, listen – about this prayer thing. Tell your friends to stop complaining and, please, for my sake, stop littering! You think it’s nothing now, but let me tell you, this one will come back to haunt you. And stop killing off all the other animals! If those kakapos die out, I’m going to unleash such a wrath...!

T: Wow, okay. Uh, so how’s Heaven going?

G: Oh, it’s very nice. Really, you think your parties are cool? Imagine having every famous celebrity who has ever died up here. We have Hendrix play a lot, Kurt Cobain did a piece once, they were followed by Bach, who didn’t get the same reception and was a tad angry about that, but he’s usually pretty angry, so no one paid him any mind.

T: Oh, and you get John Bonham on drums too, those must be some crazy concerts!

G: Oh, um, no, we don’t have John Bonham...

T: Really?

G: Yeah, there was a paperwork error. He’s not affiliated with Heaven.

T: That’s a scary prospect.

G: It was a nightmare for us.

T: Well, I should be wrapping this up. I think we have time for one more question.

G: Make it a good one.

T: I’ll try, sir. Okay, who’s going to win the World Series this year?

G: That question, sucked, Tim.

T: Oh, afraid to answer, are you?

G: I can’t ruin the surprise for you, but I’ll tell you this...it will be a surprise.

T: Mr. God, thank you for your time. On behalf of the human race, I’d like to thank you for creating the planet and such.

G: Anytime, Tim.

T: Alright, thank you! I hope we get to talk again soon.

G: I do too. Goodnight. I bless you.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...