Exciting Ways To Pass Time In Meetings

1. Feign death.
2. Feign someone else's death.
3. Feign everyone's death.
4. Take minutes, badly: "Mista Ryanz was all like, 'performance was up this quarter, fo'shizzle'..."
5. Refuse to take minutes. Take hours instead: "Mr. Ryan said some words. Then decisions were made. The end."
6. Refuse to take minutes. Take seconds instead: "Mr. Ryan glanced up. His lips were dry from the heat. He spotted his chance to speak - his first for some time - and in flowing, mellifluous tones..."
7. Refuse to take minutes. Take liberties instead.
8. See how many attendees can be urinated on before someone notices.
9. See how many pencils can fit in your nose.
10. Drink rum.
11. Offer to get coffee. Bring as requested. Then pour on floor, crying softly. Repeat.
12. Offer to get coffee. Bring as requested. Drink all yourself.
13. Offer to get coffee. Bring as requested. Take back again. Return. Repeat.
14. Offer to get coffee. Bring as requested. Then insist on getting more. Repeat until drowned.
15. Offer to get coffee. Upon acceptance sneer, "aye, ye wish."
16. Count the number of seconds elapsed thus far in the meeting. This is important information, so make sure to do this loudly and clearly.
17. Learn the harpsichord.
18. Supply everyone, quietly and with supreme self-confidence, with teddy bears. Act as a consummate professional throughout.
19. Without warning, physically assault members of staff.
20. Take minutes. Make sure no item is factual and that at least forty percent are downright libellous.
21. Take minutes. Immediately on finishing the meeting, place under lock and key. Guard jealously until the end of your natural life.
22. Move your chair forward three inches every time someone hesitates.
23. Have a religious epiphany.
24. Surreptitiously steal items from other attendees.
25. Blatantly steal items from other attendees.
26. Blatantly steal items from other attendees, announcing every action ten seconds beforehand.
27. Hang a sign on the window saying "help - trapped"
29. Leave out important items.
30. Demand impossible tasks to be performed before the next meeting.
31. As above, setting the time of the meeting for immediately after this one.
32. Gain weight at an exponential rate upon entering the meeting room. Deny this.
33. Gasp outragedly at every comment.
34. Agree enthusiastically to everything, especially mutually exclusive suggestions.
35. Distribute minutes reading only "CENSORED, for all our sakes"
36. Arrange next-meeting dates in the far future, distant past, simultaneously with unavoidable engagements, concurrently with the meeting in progress, at points on dimensions other than time, in Swahili, or all of the above.
37. Alter people's agendas so that no two contain any common item. Get irate at people's lack of preparation.
38. Under "matters arising", write "my penis". Giggle like a schoolgirl for a period thereafter of up to four weeks.
39. Undermine people's credibility.
40. Undermine the building's structural integrity.
41. Demand payment in cash for attending.
42. Take hostages.
43. Demand to be taken as a hostage.
44. Invite irrelevant and baffled old people as keynote speakers.
45. Hold meetings in prisons or at the bottom of the sea.
46. Invite items of furniture in place of important executives.
47. Install important executives in place of items of furniture.
48. Invite the CEO. Make him or her make the coffee.
49. As above, then make everyone move to a different meeting room once the CEO leaves the room.
50. Deliver intelligent and incisive points, well made and expressed with sublime brevity, with great import for the organisation and relevant to all present.
51. As above, while openly stroking a nipple.
52. As above, where the nipple is not yours.
53. Invite every member of the organisation. Discuss filing.
54. Invite no-one. Designate yourself a quorum.
55. Move that the meeting be moved forthwith to the room next door. Argue until you get your way. Then refuse to enter said room on religious grounds.
56. Make phone calls to other attendees.
57. Exclaim "stop! ....continue" at random points.
58. Deliver intelligent and incisive points, well made and expressed with sublime brevity, with great import for the organisation and relevant to all present. Then enter the meeting. Blither on for four hours about tax law.
59. Jump into the air shouting "Yeah! Result!" at every minor decision.
60. Provide running commentary on the proceedings.
61. As above, in the style of a nature documentary. Speculate incessantly on whether two particular attendees are about to mate. If this inflames delicate office politics, so much the better.
62. Explode at someone for no reason.
63. As above, literally.
64. Before sitting down, wipe off the chair with a pained look, glance round with a hurt expression at other attendees, then line the chair with pieces of toilet paper and sit down very carefully.
65. Take along a newborn kitten and punch it absent-mindedly throughout the meeting.
66. Lose control of bodily functions with a knowing smile and the words, "well, here I go..."
67. Make titanic efforts to UNDERSTAND people's points. Do this from a distance of three inches.
68. Nod at inappropriate moments.
69. Contrive to give the impression that something awful has happened that you expect everyone to have heard about, but which is a touchy subject and would cause horrific social discomfort if mentioned. This is best performed when one or more attendees are new starts and feeling nervous.
70. As above, adding the unsaid but obvious connotation that it's the new start's fault. Shake one's head repeatedly at the incomprehensible depths to which people can sink.
71. As above, while wearing a revolving bow-tie.
72. Slip into Afrikaans when you think no-one is paying attention.
73. Rush through the agenda until item 6. Then prevaricate on this subject until the end of time.
74. Practice one-upmanship.
75. Practice one-upmanship, keeping score on a handy whiteboard.
76. Take snuff.
77. Bow to ladies. Fail to acknowledge the existence of men.
78. Make painfully inept come-ons to conservative members of staff.
79. Midway through a measured and salient point, pause to swat a fly. Do this by hurling wrenches.
80. Order pizza and get some beers in. Frequently suggest putting on a DVD.
81. Declare the meeting room an independent republic.
82. Mutiny against the highest-ranking attendee.
83. Mutiny against the lowest-ranking attendee.
84. Deify the person to your left.
85. Achieve apotheosis.
86. At meetings of three persons, raise your eyebrows and say, "well... and then there were two!" in cheery tones.
87. Alter the agenda to a tirade of personal abuse against a sensitive member of staff.
88. Fight.
89. Collapse.
90. Organise other meetings within this one.
91. Arrange the chairs into a circle with one chair, slightly smaller, in the centre.
92. Raise the table to eye level. Make faces at others while they can't see.
93. Wander off into the middle distance.
94. Mid-sentence, explain how nice it's been working with everyone, and set off for Samarqand.
95. Make sure the meeting is conducted in a pleasant and friendly atmosphere. Bring every matter to a satisfying conclusion. At the end, stand up, shaking your head in hollow terror, and proclaim "...and may Christ have mercy on us all."
96. Do all of the above.
97. Run.

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