Not the 10 O'clock News: The Papal Special

- Good evening, and welcome to this special edition of ‘Not the 10 O’clock News’. Our top story: Out of respect for the Pope‘s death, the British government has decided to suspend Parliament ‘for the foreseeable future’. It is questionable whether this will have any actual effect of the running of the country. - Reptilian Hordes from the planet Zeflon 4 put off their invasion for a week to honour the Pope’s passing. Their leader issued the following statement: ‘The Pope was a good man who did much to foster peace between hum-ons and lizards. To show our respect we will not incinerate your planet until next week’. - Vatican officials were amazed to find 400,000 ballot slips with the name Robert Mugabe mailed to them. A spokesman said, ‘Clearly Mr. Mugabe doesn’t understand that the upcoming Papal elections aren’t democratic.’ Mr. Mugabe’s response was, ‘So?’ - On learning that Papal elections aren’t democratic, President Bush threatened to add the Vatican to the Axis of Evil. Mr. Bush said, ‘The citizens of Vatican City do not live in a democracy, but rather an oligarchic, gerontocratic, possibly anarchic, despotic dictatorship. This cannot be tolerated by a freedom-loving country like the United Skates of Americana. Freedom’. People were amazed at his unusual eloquence until it emerged that he was recently given ’Word of the Day’ toilet paper as an early birthday present. - The Vatican Police and Fire Department was forced to issue a fine to the papacy. St. Peters Square is only licensed to hold up to 10,000 people, and a crowd of at least 15,000 was present to mourn the pope. The Chief of Police said, ‘This was blatant disregard for public safety and the church should know better’. The Roman Catholic Church has been given a £250 fine, and if it is not paid within 30 days all Catholics face an unlimited jail sentence. The Police Department is currently trying to work out the logistics of fitting millions of Catholics into the Vatican’s grand total of 49 cells. ‘We’ll have to squeeze them in like sardines’, were the words of one policeman. - The Prince of Wales will be representing the Queen at the Pope’s funeral. The Queen plans to spend a nice relaxing day at home instead, having a nice relaxing bubble bath before watching the ‘Coronation Street’ omnibus on the telly. - Figures released today show that during his papacy the Pope created over 4 million new saints, around 450 a day. ‘Hey, what can I say’, said the Pope’s secretary. ‘He really liked making saints. It was kind of a hobby for him’. - Many gods of other religions including Allah, Yahweh, Vishnu and the Buddha paid their respects to the Pope. Allah said, ‘He did much to end the conflict between the heathen Christians and the faithful Muslims. He prevented many people from being smited’. - Bookies are already giving the odds on who will be the next Pope. The current favourite is Cardinal Ramon Pablo, who has gained much popularity after pledging not to go on a killing spree if made Pope. The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre is still fresh in many people’s minds, when Pope John Paul drank too much sacramental wine and thought it would be funny to go on a drive-by in the pope-mobile. The Vatican is keen for such an incident not to happen again. - Coca-Cola has made an unprecedented offer of three billion dollars to be allowed to sponsor the Pope’s funeral. Under the contractual terms the Pope would have to be wearing the Coca-Cola logo on his pope-hat and his coffin would have to be a converted Coca-Cola vending machine. The Vatican is said to be considering the deal. - The doctors who were tending to the Pope during his final hours are auctioning off a sample of the Pope’s blood as a holy relic. It went up for sail on eBay last night, and it has already attracted a two million pound bid. In related news, a picture of the Pope drawn in crayon by an eight year old girl on a piece of grilled cheese is also being sold on eBay, with a starting bid of £20,000. - In an effort to appeal more to youngsters, the Roman Catholic church is planning on renaming the Pope-mobile the ‘Pimp-mobile’, installing hydraulics and putting a 2,000 Watt amplifier and a 3,000 Watt subwoofer in the trunk. They are considering getting MTV’s ‘Pimp my Ride’ to do it. The driver of the Pope-Mobile said, ‘Damn, homie, this is gonna be one badass ride, yo! Fo’ shizzle’. - Churches saw the highest turn-out in years last Sunday, with almost 6% of the pews being filled to honour the Pope. One vicar got so excited that the service was delayed for twenty minutes whilst he breathed into a paper bag to calm down. Unfortunately, 20 people were badly injured when the Conservative Party leader Michael Howard set fire to a semi-packed church in the middle of a service whilst in a violent fit of self loathing. - It has been decided that the traditional Pope’s throne, made hundreds of years ago, will be interred with Pope John Paul. It is made out of the bones of children and sits atop a mountain of the skulls of infidels killed during the crusades, and the Vatican no longer feels that it sends out an appropriate message about the papacy. - Jamie Oliver, the T.V. chef, has aroused the Vatican’s anger after he alleged that the traditional communion meal of bread and wine was unhealthy. In a shocking documentary he revealed that some parishes spend as little as 37 pence on the communion wafer and sip of wine for each parishioner. Furthermore he claims that the meal has no nutritional value, and that churches judge the nutritional value against junk food - if it is healthier than a Big Mac, churches serve it at communion. He is currently working on creating a menu of a variety of healthier communion meals. - Saint George Bush and the Holy Coalition are going to have to wait until a new Pope is created to seek his blessing for continuing their crusade against the infidels in Iraq. Bush and Blair enraged the papacy by refusing to seek the Pope’s blessing for their first crusade several years ago, and are anxious not to widen the breach any further by not gaining the new Pope’s blessing. However, England’s highest general, Sir Richard Lionheart, is worried that during the delay Osama Bin Saladin will be able to consolidate his position. - Finally, further problems have developed in Prince Charles’ impending marriage after the Vatican objected to his union with Camilla Parker Bowles. It emerged that Mrs. Parker-Bowles is in fact a flesh-eating succubus from the lowest level of hell, and the church has objected on the grounds that the marriage sends the wrong message to children. Thank you, and goodnight.

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