And Now, A Commercial Break


Men! Buy the new Man Product! As you can see from this shoddy CGI mockup of the product, it's all streamlined and stuff like a jet fighter, which, according to our half-arsed market research, is what still appeals to you, as you seem to have ceased to develop emotionally somewhere around the age of 14, and relate to everything in terms of fast shiny things that kill people.


Look at this guy who's using the product right here. He's really big and buff, and has a standard-issue FHM underwear model for a girlfriend, BECAUSE OF THE PRODUCT! He wouldn't be worth shit without the product, and neither are you, so quit being gay and buy it. Also, try out our new power tool! It's a cheap piece of shit manufactured for pennies in a Far Eastern country whose name you probably couldn't pronounce, but hey, it purports to be made out of the "same metal as the SR-31 spyplane" and IT LOOKS LIKE A GUN! A gun, which you associate with power and virility, because it, in turn, looks like a penis!

And look, the battery pack sort of slots into the handle as well, just like the magazine on a gun! So, you have exactly NO right not to confirm your heterosexuality by buying this product. As a matter of fact, if you do not buy it within a randomly set time limit, we will have the government officially change your sexual orientation to gay. There is no other way this can be avoided.


Hello, we are The Benign Phone Company, and we are here to inform you that your mobile phone - whichever type or however recent it may be - has reached its programmed obsolescence is now officially out of date and sad, and will self-destruct in four minutes.

You risk immediate social ostrasication and exclusion from local nightclubs unless you upgrade to a newer, shinier model with more exorbitant-price-justifying extraneous features that you don't need. Look, our phone can play rudimentary Java games and send out pictures and stuff. Can yours do that?

Of course it can't, it's rubbish, just like you. See, just like your hideously overpriced clothes and £80 haircut, your phone is an external indicator of your worth as a person, so if people see you walking around with that World War II field telephone of yours they will immediately know you are sad and worthless.

Anyway, buy the bleedin` phone because if you don't, all your mates will think you are gay and nobody will fancy you and the sky will fall.


Hello, demographic. We are here to sell you back the self esteem that we've been robbing you of for years with our images of unobtainable physical perfection and lifestyles you couldn't possibly dream of leading.

Come, buy our vastly overpriced toxic slime, daub it on the relevant bodypart, and feel the glorious warmth and sureness endemic to being utterly unremarkable.

Remember that you're nothing without us, so show us some gratitude, even though we're the ones responsible for the total lack of self-worth that you're now trying to alleviate by throwing money at us to have the privilege of squirting harmful chemicals all over yourself. By the way, we've craftily formulated this stuff so that over the years it makes your skin prematurely pallid and wrinkly, so we can sell anti-ageing cream to you.

Frankly, it's like we're repeatedly bumming you with a hot poker and then expecting you to be grateful when we sell you anti-inflamation cream for your horribly swollen ringpiece. But hey, what else are you gonna do? NOT FIT IN?


Good news, female drones! Our executives have informed us that you're now culturally allowed to be independent and empowered and gutsy and butch and empowered and powerful and gutsy (as long as you conform to pre-determined gender stereotypes at the same time). Isn’t that great? Yes, it is.

So, there's never been a better time to show how empowered you think are. Now you can show that you don’t need men by buying things that make you more sexually attractive to them, you silly tart.

Don't get us wrong or anything, we're GLAD that you egg-carriers are “equal” now, as that means you are now exactly as open to exploitation as your dick-having counterparts, and we can explore a whole new marketing dimension in selling extraneous trinkets to you at obscenely inflated prices in order to make you think you're making some sort of right-on, proactive feminist statement about yourself, in blissful ignorance that you are merely filling our coffers whilst demonstrating the concrete fact that you're just as open to suggestion as the football shirt-wearing dullard you use as a boyfriend.


Individuals! You're edgy and cool and you don't dance to ANYONE's tune, save for the recording artists we've informed you are not entirely as mainstream as the many thousands of others we own.

Anyway, if you think you're badass and independent and soforth, check out this way-cool new product, designed specifically with YOU in mind, which for the first time ever allows you to assert how Acceptably Different you are whilst the product's nice shiny corporate-approved label shields you from mockery on the grounds that while the product is percieved as making you DIFFERENT, that difference is APPROVED OF by us and therefore must be "okay". Afterall, it stands to reason that we - a bunch of fat balding men in a boardroom - tell you youngsters what's cool.

The more critical-minded among you might cluck your tongues in right-on dissaproval of this sales pitch, but don't worry, we've thought up a way of exploiting you as well! You can rail against us and still consume objects, as one of our many millions of subsidiaries peddles a range of products with super-ironic "anti-establishment" slogans plastered on them, so you can enjoy the euphoria of making consumer purchases safe in the misinformed knowledge that, by paying an sizable extra chunk of money for the Che Guevara picture on your T shirt, you are somehow battling against consumerism. Ain't we clever? We've deftly manipulated the fabric of your “society” so that to have your opinions on our bloody-minded market strategies actually heard, you have to give us MORE money than if you liked us! Sorry pinko, but you've lost already. Just accept it, knuckle down to a menial job, and your life will be far less painful.


Buy yogurt, retard.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...