Not the 10 O'Clock News

- Good evening! Our top story tonight: 44% of Americans believe that oral sex should be made ‘unconstitutional’, says a recent survey. The American people find the habit ‘disgusting’, ‘ungodly’ and not something that ‘the founding fathers would condone’. Furthermore, they would like to see restrictions of the liberties of people who perform and receive oral sex, such as electronic tagging, government monitoring of places where people congregate to perform and receive oral sex, and 26% would even condone the use of specially trained combat tigers to enforce a complete ban of the practice. However, opponents of such a ban have already come to the fore, claiming that there is nothing wrong with the practice and those in favour are just jealous because they never get any sex themselves. The debate continues.

- Quoth the raven, ‘Nevermore’. Passers-by were said to be shocked.

- A pile up on the M6 that has been going on for the last seven weeks and that has claimed over 9000 cars to date has finally reached critical mass and imploded. All that is left of this grisly scene of carnage is a super-dense ball of insurance details. Police have set up roadblocks around it, but are as of yet unsure of how to deal with it. The Transport Minister tells us that there are however eventual plans to build over the area with ‘something nice, ooh, I don’t know, maybe a little park and some benches’. Until then drivers are warned to take care.

- The government has passed legislation making it illegal to go outside. A spokesman issued the following statement: ‘It has been decided that the outside world is just too dangerous. Therefore in interests of health and safety everyone must remain indoors and not venture outside. Anyone found outdoors will be shot for their own good.’

- Britain reverberated to the sounds of angry protests as British Rail was running on time. Millions of commuters ended up missing trains which they had turned up 15 minutes late to, expecting to find them just pulling into the station. A British Rail spokesperson issued an apology and promised not to let it happen again.

- Scientists believe that black holes might be where leprechauns hide their gold. Scientists have been seeking the answer to this age-old question for a number of years now, instead of getting on with proper things like finding a cure for cancer. Top physicists theorise that instead of being mere quantum singularities as was previously supposed, black holes might be doorways to the leprechaun universe. ‘That would be why they are black,’ said nuclear engineer Gav Vandarin. ‘Everyone knows leprechauns live deep underground, to evade those who are after their Lucky Charms.’

- President Bush nearly burned down the White House today after putting a video tape in the toaster. ‘I just wanted to see what would happen,’ a charred and smoky Bush explained. ‘Plus, I am a little drunk.’

- The tsunami which left much of Asia devastated has finally bowed to international pressure and apologised for its actions. It had had too much to drink during its Christmas celebrations and decided to swamp low-lying Asia for ‘shits and giggles’. The UN accepted the apology but warned it not to do it again.

- It emerged today that famous opera singer Pavarotti is the heaviest man in the world. Since his birth the world has dipped in its orbit by three metres. Scientists had hoped that as the Earth was marginally further from the sun it should cool slightly, and thus offset global warming, until they remembered that global warming is just a scientific hoax invented to try and wheedle extra money out of governments to ‘combat’ it.

- A man calling himself ‘The Overlord’ has announced his plans to run for President in 2008. Despite his policies of slaying the first born child of every family and turning the entire human race into slaves, he has attracted a surprisingly large following. As one of his supporters told us, ‘Meh, at least he’s honest’.

- The army’s plan to create a new type of super-solider that can never die, because it is already dead and merely a resurrected corpse, has been thwarted after practical considerations got in the way. ‘I mean, if both armies on a battlefield are dead to begin with then how do you know who’s won at the end?’, were the words of one general. The Queen is reported to be disappointed, because ‘one rather fancied the idea of an army of undead minions’.

- The ongoing leadership battle between Blair and Gordon Brown continued into round five, the ‘giant mecha-death robot’ round. Blair’s model, Exterminator, got off to a good start but eventually the gamma death ray of Brown’s giant robotic version of Gandalf from Lord of the Rings defeated it. Currently, the scores stand at Blair 3, Brown 2.

- Adolf Hitler was criticised for turning up to a fancy dress party dressed like a Prince of England. ‘It is sickening that someone in his position would be so disregarding of history’, said one outraged member of the public. ‘It is as if he has forgotten the atrocities England perpetrated throughout its empire – slavery and abusing the locals for the sake of wealth.’ The Reichstag has been demanding an apology, but Hitler is refusing.

- The entertainment world was in shock today when a famous celebrity couple didn’t break up. Editors of such popular tabloid magazines such as ‘Hello!’ and ‘OK’ were reported to have wept as they realised that they now needed 14 pages of filler, and the only option was more ‘Jade Goody’ stories.

- Time will stop briefly at 7pm today, to allow God to carry out some necessary maintenance work. The Catholic Church has apologised for the inconvenience, but reminds us that such work is necessary to keep the universe ticking over smoothly.

- Little Miss Muffet is suing the Spider for sexual harassment. She claims to have been sitting down enjoying a quiet snack on her tuffet when the Spider sat down next to her and started making inappropriate suggestions. The case goes before court on Tuesday.

- Finally, an independent government review panel created by the Prime Minister Tony Blair to review the government’s performance has issued a 32 page report declaring government ‘pointless’, ‘unnecessary’ and ‘totally out of touch with the real world’. Mr. Blair has therefore dissolved government and declared himself King. We wish to take this opportunity to congratulate our new master, and hope that death comes swiftly to his enemies. Thank you, and good night.

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