A brief and very relevant history of the Fox Television Network

And yea in the beginning there was nothing. Nada. Nilch. Nein. Non. ¡No! The sum total of your life. Nothing. God saw this as a problem (the nothingness, not your life, you cretin). He felt (in a way that would make Philadelphia cream cheese feel sacreligious) that he should create something. Something great. Something profound. A Something to end all Somethings. He would create a universe, a perfect universe, full of a myriad of complex and cosmic wonders, ranging from incandescent supernovas dancing in a moment of profound and beautiful infamy to a little blue-green planet populated with little furry things running around and chasing other furry things until one furry thing transforms the other furry thing into a brown and smelly thing.

And yea, He set about doing this.

After some initial budget problems with his supervisor, God, with the help of his dog, Toto, actualized his dream. He made sure that whatever magnanimous message the supernova had to say would completely miss the furry things, or otherwise they'd stop transforming each other and that just doesn't have the same ratings-potential. After a few brief millenia of deep thought God finally decided that the world was almost too perfect. His viewership was declining. He needed something that would completely wreck the hell out of everything else he did and then take the blame for it. He needed something that could destroy the earth.

However, cats weren't all that bad, so he needed another strategy. He did like some aspects of the cat: moody, ungrateful, smelly, completely intolerable, but they couldn't use guns due to a lack of thumbs, and this presented a major problem. So, God went back to the Godding board, and when he came back, he had developed something so sinister that were it farted it would be blamed not just on the dog, but a leaky sulfur deposit underneath the house: Human beings.

And so God found a brown, smelly thing, shaped it with his hands, and created Douglas Adams. He, however, ran off naked into the woods, and so God created a few more, and he called them the Jews, and ever since they have been the punching bag of the world. There were more and more people appearing, and they all flang shit at each other and generally had a jolly good time.


They say the first occupation was prostitution, and by they I mean some rather intelligent scientists whom neither you nor I have ever met. I think they're all lying. I bet Elvis isn't really dead, either. But suffice it to say, the best evidence indicates that humping for money was popular long before you ever tried it. The second job, then, would be surveying, because how does one chimp pimp (hee hee) protect his turf if he doesn't have it clearly marked? Eventually civilization followed, no doubt thanks to those brave and emotionally challenged pioneers. And then along came the three prophets, Larry, Curly, and Moses. These guys started walking around setting bushes on fire and freeing the economic base of entire civilizations. Not only that, but then they wrote it down so they could gloat about it forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever until one day I finally just took the plunge and fell asleep in church. But this isn't about me.

Anyway, these three men went around talking about how sinful prositution was, despite being practicing polygamists (hypocrisy wasn't outlawed until the papacy decided that it had finally had enough fun and the joke was over). Suddenly, the foundation of civilization as we know it - as well as the only major form of entertainment in a very harsh, dry, sunblazed climate - was made taboo. What ingrates! These hookers knew that they played a major role in human society. Whenever a king or noble doesn't get to satisfy his needs he goes out and does something reckless like conquer the Jews. So, they had to find a way to preserve prositution in such a way that it could continue its vital function of keeping rich people busy without offending the laws of the church (I skipped a bit; somewhere along the way a guy was born and nailed to a tree. Upon looking at his performance review one will find in the comments section "Not a team player"). The hookers were almost out of ideas, until one suddenly had a flash of brilliance. She would take the same elements of exploitation, overly-buxom women, cheapened identity, gaudy and / or noisy distractions, and of course, complete lack of intellectual stimulation and simply broadcast it to a mass audience.

And thus the Fox Television Network was formed, and has been going strong ever since.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...