Religious Right?

The Religious Right scares me, and not just because I find it oxymoronic to use the words ‘religious’ and ‘right’ in the same sentence. A family group in the US has made a song and music video containing, among other characters, Spongebob Squarepants. The video’s aim is to promote tolerance. However, those whacky fundamentalist Christians have objected to it; claiming it is a piece of homosexual propaganda, apparently because Spongebob often holds hands with his friend Patrick, and thus apparently is a gay icon. I didn’t think that homosexuals were able to particularly identify with a member of the porifera family, even if he does live in a giant pineapple under the sea.

What scared me most, however, was the thought that by the same logic, every time I held hands with my mother when younger I was clearly promoting incest and paedophilia. If I were a fundamentalist Christian, I would be left now with a terrible moral dilemma as to what to do when I see mothers holding their infants' hands.

The best course of action would be to burn the mother at the stake, and perform an exorcism on the child. Unfortunately the fire brigade has a very swift response time, and after the blaze has been extinguished they start to ask questions, and giving the answer ‘for her own good’ to the question ‘why did you set her on fire?’ does not always solicit the best response from the emergency services. Typical, really. You try and do someone a favour and you end up getting arrested.

I have learnt however from the various Christian fundamentalists that I have come into contact with that this kind of persecution is only to be expected, and all fundies are resigned to being martyrs. Yes, it seems that everyone is out to ‘get them’, which people do in a number of ways, though most commonly by providing logical, well-reasoned refutations to their claims that the world was created in 6 days. Bastards!

Of course, they shouldn’t say that. After all, Christians believe in a policy of forgiveness, because they should emulate the mercy our most Sovereign and Gracious Lord on High shows to us. That is, unless you are gay, Muslim, non-Christian or, worst of all, one of those fools who believes in evolution and the Big Bang, in which case there is no point trying to help you as you are going to hell anyway. That’s right, an eternity of terrible, searing pain and unremitting torture. Don’t worry though; you are only being punished like this because God loves you. Let that thought bring you comfort as you stand naked in a field of fire, with winged demons whipping you with spiked lashes.

Prayer is, of course, very important. If you haven’t studied for a test, then pray to God. When you are unable to get to school because the road is blocked up by an 11 car pile-up in which 8 people died, that was God answering your prayer! Some people might say that is merely coincidence, but fundamentalist Christians do not believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. You’ve found something you lost? God guided you to it! However, if someone you know and love has died, don’t worry, because it is all part of God’s plan which we may not question. God is pretty smart, huh?

The most important time they must pray is whenever the heathen evolutionists provide them with a link to a site definitively proving evolution by showing fossils which show step by step an evolutionary process. In this situation they must ignore it and offer to pray for us. It is not our fault that we have been taken in by this so called ‘science’, it is, after all, the work of the Devil and we are merely lost little lambs of God that the Devil has snatched away from the flock. And they ignore any Christians who try to tell them that one can believe both in God and in evolution, as they too have been perverted by the Devil. After all, evolution says that the universe was created billions of years ago by some kind of giant explosion or something, right?

How ridiculous! The Bible says right there in Genesis that God made the universe. The Bible is the exact word of God, after all. It says it is true, therefore it must be. Many people raise objections to the Bible, saying that if the Earth is only 6000 years old, then why aren’t the dinosaurs mentioned in the Bible? The answer is so obvious that it must amaze them that people will still use this tired, outdated argument. God is fucking us about, obviously! He likes to play games with us, to test our faith. Remember Abram being commanded to kill his son? It’s right there in the Bible. So there you go; definitive proof that dinosaurs don’t exist. God is just having a little joke. I mean, 60 foot high lizards? Puh-lease! Give me some of whatever you are smoking, eh?

Of course, a fundamentalist Christian would never accept marijuana. The fact that it grows naturally is proof of the fact we shouldn’t touch it; God is tempting us. Christians should be strong to resist such temptations; the worst of which is premarital sex. That is why we must have abstinence-only sex education programmes: Do you have any idea how pissed God gets when two unmarried people have sex? Look at what happened with the tsunami; a clear indication from God that he is pissed off with our moral slackness. Abstinence-only programmes are the only way to prevent young people from having sex before marriage. Some cynics would point out that in abstinence-only areas teen pregnancy rates are among the highest in the USA. At this point however they would point something out to those critics: In the Bible it says, ‘Go forth and multiply’. See? They are only obeying God’s instructions.

The life of a fundamentalist Christian scares me. I have no issues with Christianity or most Christians; they are no more stupid on average than atheists or members of other religions. However, fundamentalist Christians live out their lives in a protective bubble, refusing to accept ‘heathenistic’ science. They conveniently forget, of course, without that science they could not be reading this, or be wearing the clothes they wear, or eating the foods they eat; that we would be living in caves, naked, eating berries and fruits, at the mercy of all the elements and all the dangers of the world. Regardless, what scares me most about fundamentalist Christians is that one is sitting right now in the White House with 26,000 nukes at his command, and he has fundamentalist advisors telling him how to bring about the End of Days so Jesus can return. Spring may be approaching, but already I feel the cold chill of nuclear winter...

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...