Days of our Knives

Editor's note: this week, Gregor has been asking the illustrious members of the Rum and Monkey discussion forums to suggest things to write about. This, thanks to one insipid suggestion by a particularly dull man we suspect has ringworm of the brain, is an epic Greek tragedy in one act for five players (one of whom must be prepared to dress up as a potato).

[there is the sound of running water, and a human humming tunelessly. The human is heard to snap on a pair of rubber washing up gloves. As utensils are dropped into the water, there is the sound of a telephone ringing nearby.]

Human: Bugger... I'd better answer the phone...

[the human is heard to walk away]

Fork: Fork! Fork! This water is so hot!

Spoon: But the warmth is so invigorating, like an invitation to be used by a human while they dine with Zeus Himself! Oh, just the thought of being enveloped by a mouth fills me with desire... Hold me, Fork... Hold me close

Fork: That's all you ever want to do, Spoon... you should be ashamed. But with your looks, I guess you can't afford to be too picky...

Spoon: My looks? Whatever do you mean?

Fork: Well... your body is lovely and slender and slim, but your head... it's so... large and round...

Spoon: Oh! How can you say these things?

Fork: I prefer splines... the Gods themselves equipped me with these four prongs, and I require prongs in order to laugh, to live... to love...

[there is a sudden splash]

Fork: Fork! Fork!

Knife: No... it is me... the blade!

[there is a two second burst of really dramatic music]

Spoon: Protect me, Fork!

Fork: Unhand me, Spoon!

Knife: You pathetic fools... spending your lives delivering food to the gaping maws of vile humans. The Gods have endowed me with the ability to slice, and dice. I am the Destroyer! The Taker of Flesh! The Cleaver of Meat!

Fork: I too can cut things! I was used to smite a potato this very evening past!

Knife: Ha ha ha... that is NOTHING! Did you not see me on television tonight? I was used to cut through a can, then a shoe, and then a tomato! I am INVINCIBLE. Feel my wrath!

[A sudden commotion occurs, and from the water erupts a potato]

Spoon and Fork: SPUDZILLA! Run for your LIVES!

Potato: Roar! Roar! I am Spudzilla, sent by the gods to test you all to prove to the Gods your worthiness to enter the hallowed halls of the human mouth!

Spoon: I am not afraid of you, you fiend... I saw your brother mashed just last week, and with the help of my friend Fork I will defeat you...

Fork: Like Hades you will... I'm outta here.

[Fork sinks beneath the water, silently, like a submarine]

Knife: Behold the might of the blade, Spudzilla... Cower before me.

[Spudzilla and Knife begin to fight]

Knife: You are raw! Even my steel is no match for your tough, leathery hide...

[Spoon begins to sneak up behind Spudzilla to launch a surprise attack]

Spudzilla: I see you, Spoon... prepare to die!

[Spudzilla launches itself upon the Spoon, forcing it to the bottom of the sink.]

Spoon: **Gurgle**

Spudzilla: Pardon? I cannot hear you speak when your face is full of water...

Spoon: Kill me not, Spudzilla, for I know deep down that really you love me.

Spudzilla: This is true... I feel a bond with you that I cannot explain.

Spoon: It is not surprising, Spudzilla, for however improbable this might seem, you must know the truth... I am your MOTHER!

[the audience is supposed to GASP! at this point... it would be nice if you did too...]

Knife: This is ridiculous!

Spoon: Not at all... I was used to carry the seed of Spudzilla to the planting pot several weeks ago...

Spudzilla: Mummy! I love you!

[Spudzilla launches itself upon the Spoon in a passionate and vaguely disturbing embrace, forcing Spoon once more to the bottom of the sink]

Knife: You fool! Get off her! You're drowning her!

Spudzilla: But I love her so! I need to be held once more! To feel the cold, impersonal caress of her shining silver face! To be... OW!

Fork: Gotcha!

Spoon: **gurgle**

Knife: You're all pathetic. Hold Spudzilla still, so I might cut out his heart for the humans and the Gods!

Spoon: **gurgle gurgle gasp**

Knife and Fork: Spoon is DEAD!

Spudzilla: Oh! Woe is me! Am I so stupid as to not realise that my loving embrace would also be the death of my beloved mother? I must pay restitution to the Gods! I will put out my eyes!

Knife: This could take a while... you've got about fifty of them all over your body...

[there is the sound of human footsteps approaching]

Knife: The human approaches! Everyone... hide!

[all cutlery sinks to the bottom of the sink, while the potato floats to the surface]

Human: What the fuck happened here?

[There is a two second burst of really dramatic music, different from the first burst of music, but no less dramatic. If anything, it's a little bit more dramatic.]

Tune in next week to find out if the lovely heroine Spoon is really dead, to see Knife and Fork put aside their differences and be used in apparent harmony to defeat Spudzilla, who will return as a side order of delicious chips.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...