Miss Caitlin's Health and Beauty Column

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Caitlin's Health and Beauty Column, where I'll be trying to solve all your health and beauty problems. As a natural healer, I've always known that the modern "scientific" approach to health is destroying our connection with the planet and its life energy field. Instead, I try to promote an alternative, holistic view which should bring you back to tip-top condition in all areas of your life. You might have seen me in the news recently; I'm pleased to say that all charges were dropped, and I'm happy to extend my condolences to the little boy's family.

Linda from Skokie, IL writes: Dear Caitlin, I'm having a lot of trouble with my complexion at the moment. My skin is dry, pale and undernourished. What would you recommend?

Well, Linda, this is a common problem for all of us. It's vital that you feed your skin with lots and lots of vital nutrients - just like a gardener and her flowerbeds! Soft fruit such as peaches or nectarines all contain large amounts of bouncy acid, one of those special molecules that's vital for life. Plenty of that is bound to give your skin a little more sparkle. Alternatively, you could try gently rubbing some semen into your cheeks; it's full of healthy protein.

Jeanette from London writes: Dear Caitlin, I feel so tired and exhausted after a long day in the office. What would you recommend to perk me up a little bit?

Well, Jeanette, modern city life often gives us all plenty of stress and exhaustion. To get over it, it's vital to ensure that the energy within our bodies is flowing freely to where it's needed. Try massaging some of the important energy lines in your body. Start with the central line, running down the middle of your torso, but make sure you also pay attention to the northern line and the jubilee line, which both intersect it. It's especially important to work on the parts where these lines meet - we holistic gurus know them as "interchanges" - to ensure that the energy particles - or "passengers" - can travel freely through your body, If your energy interchanges become seriously congested you may need a course of "escalator renewal", which is best carried out in August.

Aimee from Power Cable, NV writes: Dear Caitlin, I've heard that caffeinated drinks such as coffee or cola can be unhealthy. Can you suggest a healthier, holistic alternative?

Well, Aimee, you're right that caffeine can be very unhealthy. In fact, studies have shown that if you place lab rats on a diet consisting solely of pure caffeine, they will die within weeks. Other studies have blamed a whole list of ills on this drug: rashes, sweats, fevers, chills, global warming and Norah Jones records. Instead of caffeine, I recommmend healthier alternatives such as fruit drinks, vodka or plain old purified water. For best results, place a magnet in the water for several hours before drinking. This will align the water molecules so that they slide more easily through your blood vessels and cell walls, preventing dangerous build-ups. You could also try adding a small amount of semen to the water before drinking it.

Arnold from Sacramento, CA writes: Dear Caitlin, is it true that using steroids to increase your muscle mass can lead to dangerous mood swings and health problems in later life? Not that I take any, you understand; I'm just asking because there's this friend who...

Well, Arnold, you're right to be concerned. Studies have shown that steroid use can indeed lead to dangerous mood swings, predatory sexual behaviour and unusual urges, such as a desire to enter politics. In some cases there can be more serious consequences. It's been reported that some steroid users have ended up unable to speak at all coherently. Previously eloquent, their conversations are reduced to a string of unfunny one-liners. To help prevent this, I recommend a special course of holistic dowsing therapy in which a trained therapist will suspend a crystal pendulum over your body and re-route all the bad, health-sapping drugs into an unused part of your body, such as your cerebellum. It's expensive, but I'm sure you can afford it.

Jenny from Creeley, CO writes: Dear Caitlin, this is a bit of a stupid problem. I'm just terrible at removing my makeup. I've tried every kind of cleanser I can find, but none seems to do any good. Every time I wear eyeliner, I spend the next three days looking like a panda. What would you suggest?

Well, Jenny, the holistic, natural approach is to wear no makeup at all. This is impractical, however, if you're ugly. Try to avoid cleansers containing harmful solvents, as these can damage the skin. Personally, I recommend using semen. Alternatively, try some lateral thinking to solve your problem. Have you considered a career change? Becoming a "sad clown" sounds ideal for you - not only would your poorly-removed makeup look perfect, you would be doing a great service cheering up the downtrodden people of Colorado. If that doesn't suit you, try sadomasochism. Masochists' outfits include a variety of full-face masks and hoods which would solve your makeup problems at the crack of a whip.

Alison from Atlanta, GA writes: Dear Caitlin, recently I've noticed a mole on my left side seems to be changing shape. It's definitely darker than it used to be, and it's started to grow quite rapidly. My boyfriend says I should see a doctor - what do you think?

Well, Alison, if there's one thing I know it's that you should never trust these so-called "men" and their claimed monopoly on opinion. We girls are in touch with Mother Earth and the natural rhythms of our bodies in magical ways which men will never be able to understand. There's no need to get expensive medics involved for no reason - your mole's changes just reflect the changing flow of the energies inside you as you react to your environment. If you're concerned, you might want to try cutting back on dairy products. Tai chi or yoga will probably also help return your aura to its original configuration. I also recommend baths of semen - not for this; I just generally recommend them.

Finally, Charlotte from Waltham, MA writes: Dear Caitlin, I tend to get a bit down in the winter months. I feel sluggish and depressed and my work, appearance and relationships all suffer. Can you help?

Well, Charlotte, although you might think this is a symptom of modern-day life, the Ancient Greeks were well aware of this problem. They knew it as spergotoi, which translates as "not being very cheerful in the winter". Its cause remains the same today as it was then: an imbalance in your levels of "humours", or bodily fluids. Ancient experts such as Hippocrates noted that this condition was far more common in women than in men, and deduced that it is caused by dangerously low levels of the masculine humour. My recommendation, then, is that large amounts of semen will get you back on your feet in no time - after all, who are we to question the wisdom of the ancients?

Well, that's all for this column, but hopefully I'll be back with you before too long. Feel free to write in with your questions - but remember, I'm unable to enter into personal questions. Unless it's about semen.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...