Person of the Year (Part 1)

By now, it is well known that Time Magazine's person of the year is the entire United States Army. Congratulations to all of our hard working men and women; particularly those who saw the just and true nature of the War Against Terror and immediately went out to enlist. The gene pool thanks you.

However, we at Rum and Monkey feel that there are a number of other individuals who need to be recognised; people in the fields of art, science, music and telemarketing whose every breath should be worshipped like a fine English cheese. With this in mind, over the next five days we will feature one of these persons and laud them mercilessly.

What ho! Our first rum fellow is Mr. William H. Gates III.

Mr. Gates - or "Cunty Bill", as he is often known - co-founded the largest software company on Earth. Driven by a mission statement that aimed for nothing less than a computer on every desk running Microsoft software (known in layman's terms as "a monopoly"), Gates has been responsible for some of the most creative swearing ever devised by humankind.

Bill first got the world swearing with his product MS-DOS, which itself was an inbred, stolen version of something called CP/M. He really struck paydirt, however, with his Windows and Internet Explorer products; the former would routinely give up and dive into a little blue hole called "General Protection Fault", while the latter was a Web browser with enough flaws and defects to make the surface of the moon look smooth and perfect.

In both cases, the swearing was both profuse and excellent, varying from the polite "oh dash it all" (all the rage in the pretentious middle classes) to "suck my gelatinous cock you deranged fuckmonkey of Satan". Mary Whitehouse, were she still alive, would be grinning like a buffoon, although this is mentioned as more of an aside.

Despite the brilliance of even this, Gates makes it into the Rum and Monkey individuals of the year roster through his decision, in the face of over a hundred bugs and security flaws, to not update Internet Explorer any more. "That's it," a press release from Microsoft HQ recently said, "we give up. Here's some software to stop you from copying music."

A note should also be made about his bold fashion choices, which were both gnarly and groovealicious. His trademark sweater-and-glasses combo was joined by a smile both smarmy and eejitous in nature, leading some industry analysts to suspect that Clippy the Incredibly Fucking Annoying Microsoft Office Paperclip was actually based on him.

With the release of his future software products such as Windows Longhorn, Windows Forever and Windows: Rise of the Machines, we anticipate swearing profusely at our beige boxes of bollocksed bootstraps for a long time to come. Thank you, Cunty Bill!

Tomorrow: another example of God's magnificent creations.

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