Sven: The Movie

EXT - AN ALLEY SOMEWHERE IN EDINBURGH, LATE AT NIGHT. We see a mysterious man dressed head to toe in black, from his footwear to his wide-rimmed hat. We see a glimpse of facial hair as he dashes past us, and then ammunition clips for some kind of gun. A long shot, and for a moment he is lit by the moon - for just a second, we can see that from his beard to his boots, he is covered in ammo. And then, just out of the light, he stops. In the distance, we can hear the sound of another set of footsteps. Someone is running away.
SVEN You can run but you can't hide, motherfucker.
From within his expansive coat, he takes a laptop and opens it up against his knee. Furiously he begins typing; after a moment, we can see that he's running a traceroute on the CRIMINAL.
SVEN So that's your game, eh? (He tuts.) We'll soon see about that. Nobody gets past Sven.
He closes the laptop and runs off, taking a shortcut; before long he's headed the CRIMINAL off at the pass, and they are standing face to face.
CRIMINAL Curse you, Sven. (He flaps his arms about a bit and makes a frustrated moaning sound.) Mnhm, I've been hiding from you for too long to be caught now. SVEN (Tutting again.) Security through obscurity is no security at all. (He flicks his arm and his left hand unfolds into a flamethrower.) Taste the might of my firewall!
The CRIMINAL burns away into a wall of flame and Sven walks away into the night. INT - AN OFFICE, THE NEXT MORNING We immediately see three exhausted faces; these are OWEN, BEN and IAIN. They are all furiously typing at workstations.
BEN This fucking stinks. It does. It fucking stinks. I cannot write anything funny, no matter what I fucking do. And then when I write something pointless and irritating, like the Ghetto Name Generator, everybody laps it up. What the fuck is the point, man? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck fuck what fuck? Fuck! OWEN I think you need a hug. (He dangles a flower.) IAIN I think you need a loan. BEN You need to quit that job at the bank, man. Fuck. You're living, breathing, eating, shitting money, man. (He pauses.) I want a job at the bank, yo.
SVEN wanders in, lays his hat on a small stuffed rabbit that was sitting on an empty desk, and sits down at a computer.
BEN Hey nigga, where were you last night? SVEN Hm? Oh, I was tending to my vegetables. BEN No you weren't, man, I tried to call you, and you weren't answering. I don't dig that shit. Why do you never pick up the phone? SVEN (He shrugs.) I don't feel like it. IAIN (In an accusing tone.) I think you're a dark superhero of the night. SVEN (Laughs.) Me? A superhero? I can't even cope with daylight!
INT - SVEN'S MANSION. NIGHT. The mansion is very ornate, with bookshelves and mahogany decorations everywhere. SVEN's butler MIKE is here.
MIKE Is everything alright, Master Sven? SVEN Get the car ready, Michael. I'm going to have to go for a little drive. MIKE Problems, Master Sven? SVEN Not for long, Michael. Not for long. MIKE Be careful, Master Sven. SVEN I always am, Michael.
EXT - EDINBURGH CASTLE. THE DEAD OF NIGHT. The castle is built on a dormant volcano. SVEN is here, in full superhero gear. Across from him is A TYRANT OF MAGNIFICENT, ILLEGAL CRIME'S DASTARDLY OFFICIAL GOON.
GOON So we meet again (he spits) Sven ... SVEN And not a moment too soon, dog breath. You've been invading this city's privacy for far too long - but your time is up. GOON This city has no privacy. It's all my privacy. Everything's mine. Read Atlas Shrugged, it's very illuminating.
SVEN pulls a giant cannon from his left boot and aims it at the GOON's crotch, who doesn't even blink.
SVEN Kiss your fountainhead goodbye. (He fires.)
The GOON is flung from the castle onto the city below, like the plague-ridden bodies of the dead centuries earlier. SVEN dusts himself off and walks away into the night, to fight evil another day.

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