Political Discourse Vol. 2. - The Commune Strikes Back

Left: You goddamn conservatives are all the same. Right: But... Left: But nothing. I bet it's all just 'me me me' from you, isn't it? Could your outlook on life be any more egocentric? Human beings are, by nature, animals that exist to the best of their ability in packs. We're social animals - we need to be near each other and to be able to rely on each other to survive. Right: But... Left: But what? You deny that you need to help your fellow human beings when the opportunity arises? What if that was you, down on your luck and scratching in the dust for food? You'd be screaming for a handout too, you know. We owe it to each other. Right: But... Left: Nope - you owe it to us. Look at what you earn compared to the people in Africa... You earn five times what they earn in a week every hour. Those shoes you're wearing! They're made with slave labour. Little children are stitching their hands together because of shoddy work practices and a lack of adequate child trade unionism in third world countries to make those runners that you buy for $250 a pop. You paid more for those shoes than the children that made them earned in a year! Right: But... Left: But it is your problem. You shouldn't be supporting your fat-cat rich global corporate mates by buying their shitty sneakers anyway! You should be boycotting them. And while you're at it, you should be boycotting every other damn thing as well! Boycott McDonalds because they're tearing down the rainforests! Boycott Shell because they're digging up the ocean floor and killing all the dugongs! Boycott Nestle because of their aggressive marketing of baby formula to the third world! Boycott TV because there's not enough racial diversity on it! Boycott everything! Right: But... Left: Oh - so you don't think that racism is alive and well, huh? How many black presidents of the United States have there been? How many Chinese CEOs of Microsoft have there been? How many Hispanic people own Taco Bell franchises? How many Jewish people are there in power in Hollywood? Oh. Wait... Right: But... Left: I bet you hate women too. I bet you'd hate women, even if you were a woman. I bet you hate it when I say women as 'womyn'. I bet you cannot stand the idea that I want to remove the word 'man' from 'woman', so that you freaks with your goddamned giant phalluses sticking out everywhere will finally understand that women can do more than cook and clean and tidy up after you. Right: But... Left: In fact, you should clean up your own goddamned mess. Stop hiring immigrant labourers to clean your floors and toilets. Do it yourself, you slack prick. You made the mess - you clean it up. Right: But... Left: I bet you won't because you're afraid to get your hands dirty. Just like you're afraid to get your hands dirty doing anything else for yourself. Like supporting a war that you're too frightened to go an fight yourself. I bet you were all gung-ho for this big 'dicks out, let's invade Iraq' bullshit, weren't you? All those guns and bombs and things are too frightening for you, huh? That war was a travesty, and you know it. Right: But... Left: It should never have happened. Dressing it up as liberation is bullshit, too. It was all about oil and propping up the flagging US economy. Admit it. There was no other reason that Iraq was invaded. Right: But... Left: Oh yeah - sure - Saddam Hussein was a nasty man who needed to be removed from power. There's no argument from me about that. But war wasn't the answer. There were plenty of other solutions that were never tried. Right: But... Left: Yes, I know that they gave him twelve years to adhere to the demands of the UN. And I know that they tried 12 years of diplomacy. And I know that they've tried to help build an opposition within Iraq to depose him. And I know that they've been working with exiled political leaders to find a peaceful solution. But they didn't need to go to war. There is always another option. Right: But... Left: OK, I don't have another option for you, but I know that there is one somewhere. Besides, it's not up to me to come up with solutions - it's up to me to make sure that I raise my voice and be heard when things aren't going the way I want them to. Right: But... Left: So you're trying to deny me a voice then, huh? Well, you can just shut up and listen for once, mister. I'm calling the shots here this time. Right: But... Left: Oh for Christ's sake. I'm struggling to make a world where everyone is equal, where everyone has a fair chance, and where everyone gets paid a sum of money commensurate with their workload, and I'll tell you right now buddy that there's no room in my world for people like you. You and your phallocentric 'Men's Clubs' that you call boardrooms where the little guy gets shafted so that you can collect another million-dollar bonus. That money is as much mine as it is yours. I work hard. I pay taxes - lots of taxes - and I'm glad that I pay taxes so that I have an enormous burdensome government that isn't afraid to meddle in your affairs and take the money you've earned and spend it on programs to help people like me become more like you, so that eventually we can take all your jobs and give them to the Hispanic cleaners and immigrant taxi drivers and mentally deficient waitresses of the world. Screw you if you think you and your sticky big business mates will get the better of us. I'm glad we're taking your tax dollars and spending it on food for the homeless so that you can't have your precious free lunches anymore. There's no such thing as a free ride, mister - you've got to earn your privilege. I'll be running this planet for the betterment and equality of all, and the first order of business will be to get rid of the likes of you! Right: But... you're insane Left: The whole world's insane... deal with it. Right: Sure.

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