New Old Government for Scotland

With Labour and the Liberal Democrats unable to form a coalition after the recent Scottish elections a series of bizarre events has led to the new Holyrood government being led by the Scottish Senior Citizens Unity Party. "It certainly was a shock," admitted new First Minister John Swinburne. "I had to go for a wee cup of tea after I heard."

The unexpected result occurred after Lib Dem leader Jim Wallace reportedly became suddenly and violently anti-war at a late night meeting, refusing to join with the Labour Party unless Labour leader Jack McConnell purposefully engineered an Iraqi victory in the Middle-East conflict. "It was terrible," reported a Labour MSP, present at the meeting. "Wallace was in tears. I think he had been drinking. Some people said Iraq was the sticking point but to be honest I couldn't make out what he was saying. It might have been that he thought [Labour MSP] Malcolm Chisholm was looking at him funny."

Attempts by McConnell to form a government with the Scottish National Party floundered over SNP leader John Swinney's insistence that Scotland gain independence not only from the United Kingdom but from the EU, NATO, the UN and the Atlantic Ocean. Swinney was also keen to install massive sewage outflow pipes along the southern border of Dumfries and Galloway, which would spray effluent into England on national holidays such as St Andrews Day and Burns Night, to be accompanied by huge fireworks displays and Runrig concerts. "Did you see 'Braveheart'?" commented SNP spokesperson Roseanna Cunningham. She then blamed the low election turnout on "the English."

In the ensuing chaos pensioner Swinburne was able to unite the older members of the major parties with the smaller parties, including the Scottish Socialist Party. SSP leader Tommy Sheridan told assembled press "I think this demonstrates that the SSP is not just a rabble of disaffected Trots but a modern, diverse party with a relevant and achievable agenda. Now line up against the wall bourgeois scum- the revolution's started..."

Green Party leader Robin Harper, also to be part of Swinburne's 'Government of the Old' is said to have found many common interests with the pensioners, including soup, shouting at the television, and being scared of mobile phones. Unfortunately we are unable to bring you the Scottish Conservative's view on these events as he is on holiday.

Speculation has begun about the policies of the new government. Early reports indicate that instead of linking the increase in the pension to inflation, as it is now, it will be linked to the number of countries invaded by America. Also it is thought a new law will soon be introduced outlawing any television programme that isn't 'Last of the Summer Wine'. Prices of Rich Tea biscuits and sherry are also expected to fall.

In a prepared statement Labour leader McConnell said he was "unworried" by this development. "By the time of the next election the Labour Party will be a vibrant force ready to lead Scotland into the future. The Scottish Senior Citizen's Unity Party will be mostly dead."

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