This Week on TV

Nathaniel Sharklove Cutting edge interactive wildlife extravaganza, following the misadventures of our intrepid hero Nathaniel, who travels the ocean with a bleeding duck strapped to his groin, attempting to copulate with the world's most dangerous sharks. Digital viewers have the facility to drop aggravated Frenchmen into the water around Nathaniel, armed with a selection of hilarious and seemingly ineffective weapons. The Disturbing Adventures of Sir Ronald Standbehind Disgruntled aristocrat Sir Ronald loiters in busy tube stations, silent and motionless in the shadows, awaiting victims. Endless laughs as he stands mere inches from terrified Japanese tourists and reeking beggars until they lose sanity or bowel control. This week: Sir Ronald stands directly behind a down-and-out Scottish soup vendor, sneering through his monacle and muttering hatred until his target hurls himself at the front of an oncoming train. Shit Porpoise Depressing cartoon series. The Miserable Treehouse of Colonel Badfish Reality TV: Six frightened children are abducted from their homes at midnight by a genuine war criminal dressed as a codfish in a military uniform, and locked in a windowless treehouse. There they are forced to watch constant footage of famine victims, severe burns patients and genuine executions until they turn on each other with the blunt weapons on offer at all times from cheerless attendants dressed as injured pelicans. Commentary by Jonathon Ross. Animal Torture Bob monkhouse laughs himself senseless at footage of cats, dogs and dolphins being mauled, beaten and set on fire while a restrained eco-warrior dies of fury in a padded cell on the other side of the screen. Post-Coital Ungulates A selection of African savannah creatures hump each other to exhaustion and then lounge smiling on camera for three wheezing, dripping hours. Hosted by Rolf Harris. Film: Popeye VII: Bluto Goes Apeshit Joyless piratical sequel penned by Finnish drunks, starring Alan Rickman as a disgruntled Popeye and Brian Blessed as the squinting sailor's muttering adversary, as they embark on yet another low budget duel of wits on the high seas. Things turn nasty when Bluto finds an oil tanker full of napalm and sets course for a home for flammable children. Can Popeye stop him? Does Popeye care? Who gives a shit? Papa Goodsleep's Cheerful Bedtime News The most frightening and bizarre headlines of the last twenty years of tabloid reporting, howled at the moon by madmen in a dismal forest, while skeletal soldiers wade out of the oily darkness and straight into your soul. Biased History Mostly fictional documentary series in which a glowering and furious celebrity rants wildly about a period of history about which they know fuck all, inventing hugely stereotyped historical figures and blackening the names of great civilisations. Number Two - Pharaoh Badneses the Fourth. A skewed and venomous look at ancient Egypt by Jamie Oliver, concentrating on an imaginary Pharoah who stamped on owls and made children eat worms. Arnie Feels the Love Heartwarming series in which Arnold Schwarzenegger travels to beautiful and soothing locations in a desperate attempt to shake away the shadow of The Terminator and attain a caring human soul. This week, Arnie sits perplexed and trying to smile while beautiful nuns heal leprous beggars with the power of love alone. Gangster Throwing Light hearted sports programme with sinister implications, as naive competitors hurl the world's most dangerous organised criminals into vats of custard. Rape Johnson, DC Vile police drama. Little Miss Muffet Action adventure, starring Sharon Stone as the gun-toting, curd-guzzling Miss Muffet, as she faces off against William Shatner's neurotic and frustrated spider. Euphemism Olympics Pub-dwelling plebs are made to compete against each other in bizarre sporting events comprising literal re-enactment of old favourite sexual euphemisms. This week: carpet munching. Goatbusters Bestiocidal gore-fest docusoap, following a team of crazed Vietnam veterans armed with claw hammers on their vengeful tour around once peaceful rural Somerset ... with hilarious consequences. Extreme Ancestors Sports magazine programme, in which disenchanted youngsters dig up the remains of their ancestors and set them up on skateboards to bust out some phat moves. Music by Dropkick Murphy. Old Fart Sour and disappointing comedy series based around an aging cloud of methane gas. No Chance Competitors are faced with impossible tasks while a surly foreman watches on, muttering "no chance" to himself and cackling. This week: eating the universe. Time Dogs Incomprehensible animation for morons and drunkards. Hatescreen Stalintron Compilation programme, as footage of over six million people bawling incoherent rage at the camera for an hour allows you to feel as despised as the infamous Russian dictator. Music by Limp Bizkit. Duckenstein 12D Headfucking twelve dimensional animation vaguely featuring a colossal reanimated duck revolving outside infinity, with a supporting cast of giant and impossible shapes that will smash your sanity forever. Shit! I'm a Fucking Whale! Medical drama. Hard-hearted city lawyer Samuel H. Krill has to come to terms with being the world's largest mammal, after a disastrous sex-change operation leaves him as a whale. Heart-warmth feelgood galore as Krill comes to love his new body, and falls in love with a terminally ill fragment of phytoplankton called Missy. Starring the late Orson Wells.

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