World Taken Aback by Iraq Attack

In a move unexpected by most observers the Iraqi government yesterday declared war on the United States of America.

The Middle East state, which has been under constant pressure to disarm for the past 12 years, had finally been pushed too far according to deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz. "It is time the many-breasted Hydra of America found out that it cannot impose its will upn the mighty state of Iraq," he went on to comment, while committing a sexual act over a picture of Abraham Lincoln.

Earlier yesterday an unprecedented vote in the United Nations Security Council passed a resolution legalising Iraq's declaration of war. When asked by reporters why they had not user their veto to block it the American and British delegates replied that they "had forgotten the United Nations Security Council existed." The French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin told assembled press in New York "While we cannot condone the actions of Iraq we do hope that many, many Americans die." The delegates from the other nations represented on the Council admitted they had been "drunk" at the time the resolution was passed and apologised for any inconvenience their actions may have caused.

As of last night Iraq has declared three aims for its campaign. The first is "a total disassembly of the vast military infrastructure built up by America since the Second World War, including all things made out of metal." This was branded "unrealistic" by someone who knows what he is talking about. The second aim of 'regime change' was atacked by US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as "blatant copying". No response has been forthcoming from the American administration to the third war aim of "sex with beautiful American women", but an Iraqi spokesman refused the Canadian offer of Avril Lavigne as a substitute, calling it "a bit kinky".

Military commentators are split about the possible outcome of the Iraqi assault on the United States. It has recently emerged that UN estimate of Iraq's arsenal were wholly inaccurate, having failed to take into account that Iraq itself may be one big gun. An Iraqi engineer explained how this managed to miss detection by UN weapons inspectors- "Having watched "Transformers: The Movie" many times we realised how easily Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) could be disguised as everyday objects. For example, this microphone I am currently using to speak to you is, in fact, a heavily armoured death robot with pointlessly humanoid characteristics and a love of 1980s rock songs." Another commentator from wherever these people come from pointed out "Iraq's chances are greatly enhanced by the fact that the entire American war machine is in the Gulf."

Saddam Hussain is said to have "an erection."

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