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Do you find life just too difficult these days? Between the wrist-breaking task of pancake flipping and the grinding drudgery of folding towels, is your daily list of chores endangering your health?

If you're like most people, the grueling task of vacuum-sealing your leftovers has left you too exhausted to earn your high school diploma at home. In the past, your only recourse would be to slit your wrists - but what a mess! You know that bloodstain's never going to come out of your white carpet. And think of the embarrassment to your family if your suicide note is a muddled confusion of misspelled words.

But worry no more; the days of awkward, botched suicide attempts are a thing of the past. With the new ZelfMoord 500, you can end your pathetic mockery of an existence with ease. The ZM500 kit comes complete with everything you need to kill yourself gracefully, without unpleasant complications. In just minutes, you can be on your way to your heavenly reward, leaving your woes and cares behind you. Self-annihilation has never been so easy.

Developed by NASA for use by our nation's astronauts, the ZM500 has never before been available to the general public. It's only now, through our special offer, that you will be able to take advantage of this incredible product.

No longer will you have to struggle to compose your final message to your loved ones. Our kit includes four prewritten missives, ranging from a dignified last will and testament to a wretched, rambling tale of misery and alcohol-fueled depression. Your illegible signature is already stamped at the bottom; all you have to do is choose your favorite.

Once you've decided on a message, it's time to set the scene. Our market research indicates that most of our customers prefer to be found lying on their revolutionary air-chamber mattresses, so we include a selection of tasteful nightwear. Just slip into the comfy pajamas and stretch out. Don't forget to clutch the durable plastic calla lily firmly in both hands! By this time, the advanced topical poison permeating the cloth will have begun to work. Within minutes, you will drift off into a peaceful slumber and never awaken again. That's right, if you can dress yourself, you can kill yourself! It's that easy.

As a special bonus, order today and we'll include our patented pasta strainer/hair remover at no additional charge. And if you call in the next ten minutes, you'll receive a second ZM500 kit absolutely free. That's right, order now and receive not one but two easy bereavement packages. It makes a perfect gift! Ask about our gift wrap.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...