Rum and Monkey: The Personality Test Generator

Are you now, or have you ever been a practicing vegetable abuser?

No, but I make a mean Saag Aloo

Well I do know how to peel a banana with my teeth, does that count?

I'm not a stranger to some cucumber action

Why, yes - I quite like a little parsnip-lovin' when I get lonely

Does the word "mojo"mean...

A little mint-flavoured chewy sweet

Austin Powers' sexual magnetism

The feeling that your blues playing is coming on a treat

Your ability to romance the young lady/man/vegetable of your choice into bed

Would the phrase "strapping it on" conjure up images of...

A strapping young farm lad

A sweaty builder, buckling on his tool belt

Securing your tricycle to the roof rack of your Austin Allegro

Preparing to sodomise your current playmate

Preparing to bite into that pillow again (n.b. particularly applicable for a Mr T. Bell esq.)

Have you ever been involved in a sexual act with more than one individual at a time?

Certainly not. What sort of a girl do you take me for?

Yes, a threesome. But it was a bit crap.

From time to time the wife and I like to go to swinging parties

More than three, but I've only ever watched. Honest,

Hell yeah, orgies come as naturally to me as they once did to Calligula

Have you ever an encounter with a person of the opposite gender to your usual preference?

Certainly not. Just because I went to a public school, you assume I'm some sort of bender...?

Well I snogged someone once, but I was slightly tired and emotional at the time

Oh yes, I've been rodgered bandy by all sorts in my time

What do you mean, usual preference? I'll do anything to anything, animal, vegetable or mineral!

Have you ever attended a public school?

No, my parents sent me to the local comprehensive school.

Yes, but only until they threw me out for holding my coke spoon in the wrong hand

Yes and I learned all sorts of things there

No, but I would have thrived at one. Still, the staff at the Young Offenders' Institute were terribly kind to me...

Do you find the thought of causing pain to your partner in any way offensive?

Yes of course. Only filthy deviants do this sort of thing and I'll be having none of it.

No, after all even Comsopolitan recommends a love pat for spicing up marriages

No huge objections if I was asked to do so.

With the right person, I'm such a sadist I can make Omar Bakri look moderate

I have a variety of implements, just step this way dear...

Have you ever found the smell of Proofide arousing

No. Please, don't even think of it.

Yes, but I immediately went to Confession

Yes, I get through tubs of the stuff.

When riding along cobbled streets, do you...

Ride along it, what more would one do?

Sit on the crossbar for extra added pleasure

Stop before the street begins to insert the Chinese Love Eggs

Ride up and down it several times before going in search of a cattlegrid

Have you ever felt a frisson of excitement when wearing nothing but Lycra in a public place?

I avoid wearing lycra

Skintight clothing makes me feel deliciously vulnerable

No, but I always keep my banana somewhere prominent

No, the frisson of excitement comes from removing the lycra in a public place

Do your family know of your obsession with rubber and chains?

I always make sure to hide the Wiggle parcels as soon as the postman comes.

How do you know? Oh, bikes. I see.

Oh yes, I spend a large proportion of my disposable income that way.

What product do you find best for lubricating nipples?

Anything I find in the shed will do, it doesn't really matter.

A squirt of WD40, I rather like the smell.

Only the very finest molybdenum disulphide grease

Belgian chocolate sauce - what else?

What is the appropriate attire for bicycle maintenance?

Grubby jeans and an old t-shirt

Brown overalls you inherited from your granddad

A custom made Park Tools overall

Anything; it doesn't matter

Cocktail dress, big straw hat and nail varnish (esp. K Pike)

A smile and a smear of chain lube (also Mrs. Pike)

Do you find any erotic potential in any of the following commonly found items of kitchenalia...

A pasta measurer

An egg whisk

A five litre drum of Mazola oil

A candle and a pair of egg cups

A cheese grater

Marigold gloves

Cling film

All of the above

If you have any body piercings, are they just for aesthetic purposes?

I don't have any more holes than God intended me to have

I'll stick to having rings in my ears, I think

Nope, they're all just to look pretty

They're mainly for show, but I quite like my nipple piercings played with

Have you ever seen my party trick, using a length of string and some helium balloons?

How much pleasure do you derive from dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender?

None whatsoever. I think that sort of thing is sick and wrong and against God.

Some. I have been known to attend the odd Rocky Horror night, but I only rent my costume, you know...

Oh, I love all that sort of thing. Why, only the other night...

At weekends, call me Nora :-)

Does the sensation of pain add to your erotic experience at all?

Oh, no - it just makes me go "ouch"

I quite like the feel of my girlfriend/boyfriend's nails down my back

A little playful spanking never does anyone any harm, now does it?

Please, Mistress - can I have six of the best?

Have you or your partner ever indulged in any role playing during sex?

No, I'd just find that a bit embarrasing. Besides, we tend to sleep in separate rooms these days.

From time to time, I like to wear my pants over a pair of tights and for my wife to call me "Mr Marvel"

Yes, regularly. In fact, I have a whole wardrobe full of outfits to complement my different personae

Sex is boring without it

Oh, bloody hell - sometimes I can't remember who I actually am...

When presented with a large, steaming jug of sweet, rich custard, do you...

Wonder if there's any jam rolly-polly to go with it

Indulge in bribery to get given the skin

Wonder how it would feel, slipping down your throat

Wonder how it would feel, slipping down your chest

Wonder how it would feel, being massaged into your buttocks by a selection of japanese bukkake experts

On average, how often do you think about sex?

Once or twice a year. Maybe Christmas and on my partner's birthday

Infrequently. The damned pills are so expensive.

At least a couple of times a week. But then, that's all I can afford.

Only when I look at pornography. So about ten times a day, then.

At least several times an hour. Smokers have cigarette breaks, I have breaks for something else...

When am I not thinking about sex?

Have you had sex in any of the following venues...

In a car

On a beach

On a bus

In an airline toilet

At a depth of ten metres and below (you know who you are...)

At a sex party

In the queue at the greengrocers'

Do you like being tied up?

What, like when you're busy you mean?

Perhaps with a couple of silk scarves. Just a bit of innocent fun, you know

Sometimes, yes. Particularly if I get spanked as well.

I just love being tied up

I've still got the rope burns on my breasts from Friday night...

Do you own any insertable sex toys?

Yuk, no. I don't do that sort of thing and neither does my wife, Mildred

I owned a vibrator once. Someone bought it for me as a joke.

Yes of course. I'm a liberated, modern metrosexual

Yes, but I prefer to improvise with root vegetables

Come inside and have a flick through the catalogue

If a forensic seach was to be done on your hard drive, would it discover much pornography?

Pornography? Me? You disgust me, Sir!

I prefer the written word

A little, yes. But I've never actually paid for it.

I tend to back it up on DVDs

Quite a lot, I'm afraid. So much so, that I keep a separate PC for it these days.

No comment. You'll never get past a 128 bit blowfish algorithmn and you know it.

Have you ever seduced a doorstepper?

I don't seduce strangers.

Yes, one of those homeless people selling dusters. I was desperate, okay?

Yes, the Avon lady. And she banged like a shithouse door in the wind.

Yes, a Jehovah's Witness. They're not witnessing now...

How many partners have you had?

1 or less. Marriage is for life.

2 - 5. I am very selective.

6 - 10. Does that make me average?

11 - 20. Not yet in slut territory.

21 - 50 but I don't remember all their names.

100+ but most of those were group sex scenes

It wouldn't matter if it were 1 or 101, I was the best shag they ever had

If someone uses the word 'fisting,' do you think it means...

Preparing for a fight or flight scenario

I know what it means, thank you, and I don't want to think about it.

A night to remember

A reminder to pick up some more Crisco on the way home

Have you ever had electrodes attached to any part of your body?

Yes, and it was in a controlled medical environment at the direction of my doctor, thank you very much

I once found a different way to use the game "Operation"

Touching a PP9 battery onto certain bodily parts makes me feel all peculiar

My doctor says I should avoid that sort of thing since I had the pacemaker fitted

Strap me down and throw the switch, big boy

When I go shoe shopping, I look for...

Comfort and value beyond all things

Cleats

Good weight transfer potential for hills

A stylish instep

Red, patent leather, available in sizes suitable for the Y chromosome

Thigh high lace-ups with buckles, D-rings and a stiletto heel

If I can walk in them they're no good

Corsets: a breathtaking experience?

Didn't they go out with bodice rippers and Mr Darcy?

Maybe with my bridal outfit (NB Graham, that's 'bridal' not 'bridle')

It feels like wearing a hug all day long

Only if my slave laces me into it

If a friend told you they were off to Pony Club, what would spring to mind?

A pleasant day out with like minded equestrians

Jodphurs, leather boots and martingales

Naked girls in leather harnesses pulling their 'owners' in little carts

Do you find Santa Claus attractive in any way?

Well, he brings me presents, isn't that enough?

I quite like men with beards, actually

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

He only comes once a year, but always in my bedroom

Does paraphilic infantilism mean anything to you?

Not without Googling it first

Oh dear. I Googled it.

Goo goo, ga-ga, baby go plop plop :-)

Is there any place for candles in the bedroom?

Yes, the windowsill. I find candles terribly romantic.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, but Jill prefers the candlestick.

Try not to use the ones that melt at too high a temperature as they leave marks that last for weeks...

Have you ever appeared in a video?

Once or twice, I've been in the odd wedding video

Yes, I was an extra in Eastenders

Times were hard and I needed the money, but you can't see my face and nobody knows about the birthmark there

I have my own pay-per-view channel

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The definitive ACF pervert test