Rum and Monkey: The Personality Test Generator

This is a user-written personality test created with the Personality Test Generator. Rum and Monkey isn't responsible for its content, however good or bad it may be.

Welcome to the Useless Man personality test. Based on your answers, we will assimilate your personality to one of the advice giving Useless Men of the website DearUselessMen.com.

Good luck and stay useless.

1) You are walking down Main Street, and you find a stick. You ...

remember the last time you came across a stick on the sidewalk. You were wearing rollerblades, and it didn't end pretty.

wave it like a baton to direct a homeless choir.

are sad that you won't be strong enough to use it till level 3.

put up "Found" posters, with a picture of the stick, all over Main street.

pick it up and poke passing strangers.

walk right on by, not touching that filthy, germ-infested thing.

take it home and stick it in a glass water. If anyone asks what it is for you tell them that it is a money tree, because you found it near a bank, and you are waiting for it to take root.

kick it without thought, then notice the stick fly in front of you. You chase and pick it up, then refuse to give it to your Spouse who is disgusted that you are chewing on a stick you found on the ground. (Insert Benny Hill style ending here)

stop looking for your stick and start wondering where the heck you are. There's no Main Street in your town!

2) You participate in an advice web site. You ...

consider yourself the hilarious and witty Bridget Jones of Canada and proudly await your next question.

wait until the uber-administrator starts badgering you, then write an answer as fast and half-assed as possible.

send in your reply, and wait patiently for your next psychiatric appointment.

secretly think that everything you say and do is MAGNIFICENT.

get back to the advice seekers when you feel like it. If these people really wanted to help themselves, they wouldn't be coming to you, now would they?

send in your reply, then think of something REALLY funny you should have wrote.

answer to the best of your ability, secretly hoping that the people that read have lots of money for good divorce lawyers.

run the whole thing with an iron fist.

check the website 100 times a day to see if your response has been posted, then check the website 1000 times a day to see if you have any comments.

3) You see a computer for sale at a garage sale. You ...

think to yourself how relaxing it might be to take out your daily frustration onto it with a baseball bat.

realize it is more advanced than what you have at home and fork over the $1.05 to own it.

barter with the seller for over an hour then say you changed your mind and walk away.

defrag the hard drive looking for old games.

check it out and when the owner turns his head, change the screensaver to read, "This computer is really, really slow" before resetting the password to "password".

reminisce about the good ol' days when the Atari 2600 ruled the world of technology.

stop and ask how much. Balk at the price, scoffing that you can get a brand new computer at Best Buy for twice that price, then leave after purchasing a soiled Kermit the Frog.

couldn't give a hamster's patootie because you know yours is better.

wonder if you'd be as likely to find a garage at a computer sale.

4) You see a man in an alley with a baseball bat and a puppy. You ...

charge at him, screaming profanities before realizing he had just rescued the puppy from a lion-sized cat. You try to shrink away into the darkness.

coo and hover over the puppy (and maybe the man, if he's anywhere near as cute.)

swap the puppy for a cat and the bat for a hockey stick, then try to find 8 more guys for a quick game of kitty shinny.

trade your shoes and socks for the puppy and bat.

naively assume there is nothing wrong.

ask, “How much was that puppy in the window?”

knew he'd forget the Funyuns again.

follow Ted Lilly to his baseball game and steal his puppy while he's fighting with Gibbons.

ask the man how he trained the bat to play baseball and if he plans to do the same with the puppy.

5) You are alone, in the basement, with nothing but a TV and a can of New Car Smell. You ...

plug in the TV and begin tapping out SOS on the wall with the can until someone arrives.

spray the basement. D’uh.

smash the TV with the baseball bat and hang the "New Car Smell" on the puppy's tail.

swear to yourself that you'll be the last one to crack.

spray the new car smell every time you fart. Oddly, this results in a smell remarkably like your old car.

write your name in the air in aerosol like sky-writing.

empty the entire can into your pants, then watch a "Married With Children" marathon.

are approached by used car salesmen.

tune into "Antiques Road Show: Car Week" and see if spraying the screen has any effect on the appraisals.

6) You participate in a gender study. You ...

listen with dismay as you realize you have been put in the wrong gender catagory. You leave, shouting, "Get with the future! Boys and girls names are interchangeable these days!"

answer Male.

hope there are girls to study with.

volunteer to study other genders for them.

ask about the pros and cons of buttcheek implants.

volunteer to lift the skirts.

are asked to stay behind after the rest of the participants have left.

make fun of the males (though really, you are no better yourself.)

display an uncanny aptitude for distinguishing Male from Female on at least 8 out of 10 tries.

7) Star Trek XI is coming to a theatre near you. You ...

run, screaming, in the opposite direction.

pick up your replica Captain James T Kirk Starfleet smock from the cleaners.

use a P.A.D.D. to deflect the eggs while standing in line.

exclaim to yourself, "SWEET!", having come to terms years ago that, yes, you are a loser.

can hardly wait until 2012 when it will be on TV.

show up to the premier dressed up in Star Wars costume and berate the Trekkies.

alert Triumph the Insult Comic Dog that he's going to have a field day.

have the urge to take the Kellogg's "All Bran: Two Week Challenge".

move until the theatre is no longer near you.

8) You see a hose coming from a tanker truck labeled MEAT attached to your favourite fast food joint. You ...

gaze down at your gargling tummy and think, "It hasn't hurt me yet!"

drool.

shudder and vow never to eat there again.

are just glad it's not prefaced by the word "DOG".

decide to become a vegetarian.

go inside and order the Meatwich Supreme, with extra "Meat", and a Meatshake.

grab a line splitter and run some hose to your house.

are arrested for assault with a delicious weapon.

assume the hose is going TO the tanker truck and that the restaurant has turned Vegan. Curses!

9) You see a monkey riding a bicycle in rush hour traffic. You ...

blink..blink .. blink.. before taking out your digital camera to capture your new Facebook profile picture.

crank a circus medley on your iPod.

wonder what Dubya is doing in Toronto.

bike up beside the monkey and offer it some Gatorade.

paid him to do it.

chase merrily after the monkey, brandishing a cleaner stick than the one from question #1.

giggle like a school girl.

grab the camera and knock it down.

take his bike, ride happily home, arriving an hour earlier than usual, while the monkey stands on a hot, smelly bus with 87 other poor slobs.

10) You are house sitting at a resort during the winter, when your partner hits you on the head cast iron frying pan and locks you in a fully stocked pantry. You ...

eat your way out. You will need your strength once you catch up with that bastard!

unhook your belt and attend to the task at hand!

cook everything in one stew, but without the maraschino cherries.

use a frozen turkey, 4 lima beans and a straw to Macgyver your way out.

start a quick poker game with an imaginary bartender, John Wayne and John Belushi using saltines as cards and pepperoni slices for chips. If the game turns ugly, you defend yourself with a can of beets and a baguette.

vow to never speak to your left hand again.

become overly affectionate with a couple of Melons. The affair only lasts until the Melons develop a yeast infection.

realize that all couples have their differences, and use this "cooling off period" to sleep off that headache.

realize, to your horror, that "fully stocked" apparently includes 4 bodies with strange, cast-iron pan shaped wounds on their heads.

11) You are approached by a used car salesman on a car lot. You ...

tug at your shirt, lift up your skirt, and ask how much that pick-up truck might be for lil' ol' you.

ask him all sorts of interested questions and keep him busy for at least a half an hour before telling you are really looking for a good boat.

push your inflated air bag out of the way and ask, "What could I get for this trade in?"

beat him to the punch and try to panhandle him for spare change.

bet that he's the one they sent to make you put your pants back on.

slap him and yell "Tag, you're it" then run away giggling.

ask him how many bodies fit in the trunk of an Escalade.

bend over and take it like a man.

tell him you've already been helped. Then ask, "Hey! Where are you going? Can't we still be friends?"

12) You are backpacking through Europe and discover a pack of Yeti. You ...

take your tourista camera from around your neck, blind him with a flash and run like mad.

already knew that Europe was weird.

realize you are in France.

excuse yourself from the Italian nudist colony you seem to have found to find some peroxide for your eyes.

immediately check its market value on eBay.

pull out your sword and start hackin'.

walk a mile in their shoes.

pick out the cutest one and get to work starting a family.

hook up with them for a while. Those guys know how to PARTY!

13) Your boss catches you surfing the internet at work instead of working. You ...

invite her/him over to take a look! Your boss rocks and you often share YouTube videos and funny emails.

duck your head sheepishly and mumble something about being "on break".

slap your head for not turning down the sound on Chicken Invaders.

pretend to call the I.T. dept, saying "Uh, yeah. That internet thing IS working now."

ask him if he knows any good porn passwords.

insist that some bigger boys made you do it and start bawling until he leaves.

alt-tabbed back to the database 0.2 seconds ago.

are surprised your boss never asked how you got Internet Explorer on the McDonald's touch screen cash register.

are not surprised. Sadly, neither is he.

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