Rum and Monkey

Yes, I do. Grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese, maybe extra cheese on a pizza now and then. Good stuff.

LIKE it? It'd be more accurate to say I pine for cheese. I burn for it. I ache for it. I send it notes in class. I dream of it at night.

No, cheese is bad. I stay away from it, but I don't care if other people eat it. Just not my thing.

ARE YOU KIDDING? Cheese killed my dad! If I ever see cheese again, I will kill it!

Eh, never thought about it, to be honest.

Question

Hypothetical Scene: You come home to visit your parents/grandparents/other relatives/parole officer during a vacation from work/school/the military/prison (or wherever it is you are). Your host welcomes you into his home, but warns you that there has been a slight mouse problem and there are traps set out. In the middle of the night, you get up to pee and encounter one of these traps, baited with cheese, in front of the bathroom door. What do you do?

I wet myself in horror. OR...I urinate on the mousetrap, out of sheer hatred for the cheese it contains. Satisfied, I go back to bed and refasten the straps.

I step over the trap and go to the bathroom. What else?

Tears of joy spring to my eyes at the sight of my beloved cheese. Confused by my conflicting emotions, I stand staring at the mousetrap for hours. I need to pee, but I also need cheese. I will be there long after sunrise.

"Bleck" I think as I step over the trap. How in the world do mice get lured into these things with just that crap as bait?

I briefly consider springing the trap with a pencil and taking the cheese, but in reality if I have to pee that's going to come first.

Question

Hypothetical Situation: You have a birthday. You invite all your friends to the party, and they invite their friends, and it turns out to be quite a large gathering. People bring you presents, which you accept graciously. Someone gives you a large wheel of cheese, the really big kind like in the movies. What is your reaction?

Tears of joy. My very own live-in significant other! Thank you, dear friend, for bringing us together. Okay, party's over, we need our alone time.

Wow, thanks. Let's slice this sucker up and have crackers. Or fondue, that might be fun.

A big-ass wheel of cheese? Thanks. (This thing is going in the meat freezer, where it will live forever.)

Uh, thanks. (This thing is going into the Dumpster tomorrow, after everyone's gone home.)

AAAAA! What are you trying to do, get me killed? Do you even know how dangerous that thing is? Everyone get down! Cheese is loose in the building!

Question

Arbitrary Judgement of Your Tastes: What's your favorite color?

What does this have to do with anything?

Black, like my ruined heart. Red, like my spurting blood.

Green, blue, or purple

Yellow, orange, white, or neutral colors in the beige family

Cheese-colored

Question

What's your favorite way to enjoy cheese?

If we're in a steady relationship, any way it wants. If we're just casual about it, with a condom.

Eh. If I'm in the mood for cheese I'll sometimes just eat a Velveeta slice. Preferably without the plastic.

At the point of a sword, the barrel of a gun or the bottom of a deep deep grave.

Haven't you been listening to me? I don't enjoy cheese.

Fondue, for its sheer cheese-ness. Mostly though, I just like to slice it up and put it on sandwiches. That way I can find which cheeses go with which meats.

Question

So...how would your friends describe you? If they had to pick from this list, obviously.

Conservative or liberal, or something like that.

Adventurous, fun-loving, or...um...not.

Kinda like that guy who enslaved Eastern Europe...Stalin. That guy.

Kinda like that guy who had a children's program and then got busted for wanking in public...PeeWee Herman. Yeah, like him.

...

Question

Seriously (not really), why did you take this test?

Because my parole officer/psychotherapy director/alien overlord told me I had to.

Because I am on a crusade to stamp out all cheese, and I thought taking this test would help.

Because cheese is funny, and I like funny things.

Because cheese is not funny, and I am a masochist.

Because I am bored, and it sure beats having sex again.

This is a user-written post. Rum and Monkey isn't responsible for its content, however good it may be. Please report any inappropriate content.

The Cheese Test

Get started with these questions...

Let's get this one out of the way early. Do you like cheese?

Arbitrary Judgement of Your Tastes: What's your favorite color?

What's your favorite way to enjoy cheese?

So...how would your friends describe you? If they had to pick from this list, obviously.

Seriously (not really), why did you take this test?

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...

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