An Exhaustive Index of Neuroses

Ever wanted to pigeonhole yourself into an all-inclusive stereotype? Then this test is for you! The following examination will identify any personality disorder you may have. Please answer all questions honestly, as the results will be forwarded to your family, friends, and coworkers. Some of the questions may seem "odd" or "random," but do not worry about that. We are mental health experts. We know exactly what the questions mean. If your puny mind could possibly grasp the meaning of these questions, you wouldn't need to take a test like this in the first place.

Get started with these questions...

1

CRITICAL THINKING: You are a Danish prince whose father has been murdered by your uncle. You pretend to be crazy, one thing leads to another, and you end up killing pretty much everybody in the castle. DID YOU DO IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOTHER?

2

ETHICAL REASONING: You are sitting in a restaurant with some friends discussing what one of them should do about an unruly dog she owns. The dog will not stop chewing on shoes and knocking over garbage cans. Your friend wants to get rid of it, but she can't find anyone to take it. Your position is that she should just shoot the dog and tell her children she gave it to a nice farm family. Suddenly, an Asian man comes sailing through a plate-glass window at the front of the restaurant. He lands in a bleeding heap on the floor. No sooner has he gotten to his feet than he is acosted by a half-dozen ninjas, who dance menacingly around him, attacking him one at a time. He defeats them all, then produces a gun that fires a grappling hook. He raises the gun above his head, fires the hook, and rockets upward. Unfortunately, because he has fired the gun into the ceiling, which is only eight feet high, he only rises a couple of feet. Even more unfortunately, the grappling hook's winch apparatus is so powerful that it rockets him upward with considerable force, and his head punches through a light fixture. His body is convulsed for a moment by a powerful electric shock, then is still. He hangs there, head buried in the ceiling, swaying slightly. Then there is a crack as the supports give way, and he falls to the floor, unconscious and bleeding from his head. Other detritus falls from the hole in the ceiling, including dust, and empty Gatorade bottle--probably left there by a construction worker--and a dead hooker. The hooker lands on the fallen man's stomach. She must have hit an artery, because blood sprays from his skull fracture in a high-pressure jet, soaking your friend Ted, who had been on the verge of taking the dog but now looks a little worried about the idea. The fallen man moans softly, and then is still. TAKING ALL THIS INTO CONSIDERATION, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR DESSERT?

3

DECISION MAKING: Wombat or corndogs? Choose!

4

LOGICAL REASONING: Who's gonna hold you down when you shake? Who's gonna come around when you break? You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong, but WHO IS GOING TO DRIVE YOU HOME TONIGHT?

5

EXISTENTIAL LAMENT: You are a vampire hunter assigned to the wilds of Transylvania. You are excited about this assignment, until you are informed your assignment is to Transylvania County, North Carolina. This is a bit disappointing, but you decide to make the best of it and head down south. After wandering through the wilderness for weeks, you have encountered no vampires. You've dispatched a werewolf and castrated a renegade leprechaun, but you still haven't gotten to what those in your profession call "the Big Show." Then one storm-swept, freezing night, as you stumble through the rain-soaked forest, a flash of lightning briefly makes the black sky bright as day, and against this stormy backdrop, a castle is silhouetted. This could be your chance! You make your way to the castle and examine the nameplate on the door. Even in the dim light, you can see read the name of an infamous vampire. At last! You bang on the door. After a time, it opens, and a tall man with sandy-brown hair and a weathered face stands there smiling at you. "Good evening," he says. "Welcome to my house. Enter freely and of yur own will, and leave behind some of the happiness you bring." Recognizing this as the traditional vampire greeting, you scream, "Die, hellspawn beast!" and plunge your stake into his heart, an act made all the more efficient by your new General Dynamics M-32 Pneumatic Stake-Plunger. The man staggers back a few steps, looks down at the stake in his heart, and mutters, "Oh, boy." Then, suddenly, he is enveloped by blinding blue light, which eventually fills the room. Just before the light dissipates, you hear him murmur, "Please let this leap ... be the leap home!" Then he is gone. Too late, you realize you may have misread the nameplate on the door. You go back and check. Sure enough, you did; the nameplate actually reads "CASTLE BAKULA." You've just staked an innocent man. DO YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT, OR WHAT?

6

DEDUCTIVE REASONING: A cloud appears above your head. A beam of light comes shining down on you, shining down on you. The cloud is moving nearer still. Aurora Borealis comes in view; aurora comes in view. BEARING THIS IN MIND, WHAT DID I DO?

7

ANALYTICAL REASONING: You are sitting at home, listening to Fleetwood Mac and wondering what the hell Stevie Nicks was on that she thought you could see ANYBODY'S reflection in a snow-covered hill, when the phone rings. When you pick it up, it is a rep from your credit card company, telling you that an as-yet-unknown person has charged $53,000 worth of electric dildos and bondage porn to your account. "Fifty-three thousand dollars? But I only have a $500 credit limit!" you protest. "That's only when YOU'RE making the purchases," the credit card rep replies. He then informs you that, in accordance with a new company policy, no effort will be made to locate the fraudster, and you will be responsible for all his purchases. Also, since the purchases are of an explicitly -- even deviantly -- sexual nature, an itemized list of all of them will be mailed to your spouse, your parents, your grandmother, your minister, and your employers, along with a videotape of you pleasuring yourself furiously while watching "The World's Toughest Man" competition on ESPN2. "But I've never even DONE that!" you cry. "You'd be surprised what can be accomplished with computer graphics these days," says the credit card rep, who sounds just a little too amused for your taste. "You can't do this! I'll sue," you say. "Oh, go fuck yourself," says the rep. "Who do you think can afford better lawyers? Oh, and by the way, next time be careful about threatening people with access to your credit report." He is silent for a few moments, and you can hear typing over the line. "Oops!" he says. "There goes your mortgage." By now, you are huddled on the floor, sobbing. "You fucker," you whimper. "You evil, evil fucker. Why are you doing this?" "Why?" the rep says. "Because I can, that's wh--" Suddenly, you hear the crash of a breaking window, then sounds of combat. "Holy shit!" the rep says. "A bunch of ninjas just threw a guy through the window, and now he's kicking their asses! Hey, wait! Don't fire that grapple-gun in here, man! The ceiling's too--" You hear another crash, then the thump of a falling body. A voice in the background screams, "Oh my god, there was a dead hooker in the ceiling!" A moment of silence. Then the rep you were talking to shouts, "Why are you all looking at me? DON'T LOOK AT ME! That's why I had to kill her! She wouldn't stop STARING!" A background voice says, soothingly, "Put the gun down, Ted. I don't want to have to shoot you." Then the rep screams, "I'll see you in HELL!!!" Then, a holocaust of gunfire. Then silence. And finally, the idiot hum of an open line. You shudder and slowly hang up the phone. Then you realize that you had forgotten all about the Fleetwood Mac album you'd been listening to, and while you were on the phone you missed both "World Turns" and "Sugar Daddy." DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY STILL GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THESE TWO SONGS?

8

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What's the frequncy, Kenneth?

9

LIFESTYLE SENSITIVITY: During an evening of drunken debauchery, you begin a conversation with a surrealist painter. One thing leads to another, and you go back to his house, where he makes violent love to you in his paint-smeared studio. IN ORDER TO BE SENSITIVE TO HIS WORLDVIEW, WHAT DO YOU SCREAM AS YOU REACH ORGASM?

10

CRITICAL THINKING: During the past week, you have successfully tugged on Superman's cape, spit into the wind, and pulled the mask off that old Lone Ranger. CONSIDERING ALL THIS, WHEN WOULD IT BE WISE FOR YOU TO MESS AROUND WITH JIM?

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