An Entirely Different, But No Less Illuminating, Personality Test

The following examination will identify any personality disorder you may have. Please answer all questions honestly, as the results will be forwarded to your family, friends, and coworkers. Some of the questions may seem "odd" or "random," but do not worry about that. We are mental health experts. We know exactly what the questions mean. If your puny mind could possibly grasp the meaning of these questions, you wouldn't need to take a test like this in the first place.

Get started with these questions...

1

PROBLEM SOLVING: You are one of a set of septuplets. You are all identical in appearance, despite the fact that four of your siblings are of the opposite sex. You have cousins who are, coincidentally, also identical septuplets, and who -- perhaps owing to the fact that your father's identical twin brother married your mother's identical twin sister -- also look exactly like you and your siblings. One day, after a lengthy audition process, you are cast in the titular role of a feature-film version of "MacGyver." Of course, you are very excited to be playing one of your childhood heroes. However, you foolishly neglected to read the fine print before you signed the contract. On the first day of filming, the director tells you they are going to shoot a scene in which MacGyver escapes from a death machine--basically a modified bandsaw programmed to slice him into tiny bits. Only after you have been securely shackled to this horrible device does the director tell you that he wants you, as an acting excercise, to figure out how to get yourself free. "What if I can't?" you say. The director replies, "Well, that's a real saw blade. MacGyver would know what to do." He then informs you that all of the perilous situations filmed during the course of the movie will be very, very real. The feeling seems to be, "If he dies, hey, we got 13 back-ups." The director hands you a toothpick, a stick of chewing gum, some shaving cream (just a dollop in the palm of your hand, not an entire can), and an unwrapped, but thankfully unused, condom. Then he starts the death machine and says, "Think like MacGyver." HOW DO YOU ESCAPE?

2

DEDUCTIVE REASONING: You are a real tough cookie with a long history of breaking little hearts like the one in me. Before I put another notch in my lipstick case, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

3

ETHICAL REASONING: You are sitting at a coffee shop with some friends, debating the plural form for "Chicken in a Biscuit" crackers. Your friends believe the plural would be "Chickens in Biscuits," while you contend that since the entire phrase is the name of the cracker, the plural would be "Chicken in a Biscuits." The argument is growing rather heated when you hear a cry of distress from the next table. Looking over, you see a young pregnant woman, her eyes wide with hysteria. "Oh my god!" she cries. "My water just broke!" Unfortunately, the restaurant is snowbound thanks to a freak blizzard, which dumped four and a half feet of snow on the area in just under two hours, and which is even more freakish owing to the fact that you are presently in Miami. At any rate, there is no way to get the woman to the hospital. Fortunately, you remember your training as an army medic and are able to deliver the baby, although the woman's husband eyes you suspiciously the entire time, perhaps owing to your "Chicks in Labor Turn Me On" t-shirt. After a long, painful delivery, a healthy baby boy comes into the world. His mother looks at you as you hand her son to her, tears of gratitude in her eyes. Actually, she just looks in the direction of your voice, since she is blind. Did I mention that? Well, she is. Anyway, all goes well for a few minutes, until suddenly the baby starts pointing at your table and screaming. You realize immediately that the young woman has given birth to the statistical one baby in ten who can instinctually recognize the antichrist. Unfortunately, the antichrist appears to be your friend Steve. This is both good and bad. Good, since Steve was the leader of the "Chickens in Biscuits" faction, and now your argument will definitely have more weight, but also bad, because Steve is your ride home. You know that in order to save humanity from a horrible fate, you must kill Steve. The only question is when to do it: now; after the rest of your friends have admitted your authority on the "Chicken in a Biscuit" question; or after he drives you home. WHEN, ETHICALLY, SHOULD YOU KILL STEVE?

4

CRITICAL THINKING: Could Superman kick Wolverine's ass?

5

COMPARATIVE SKILLS: "Black" is to "white" as __________

6

VERBAL SKILLS: Identify the main idea of the following passage: "Thomas Jefferson, the nation's third president, was, like the late Johnny Cash, tall, craggy, and shy in social situations. Also, he was addicted to amphetamines. Jefferson was born into privilege in 1743. In 1772, he married widow Martha Wayles Skelton and took her to live in his partially-completed home, Monticello, where she -- perhaps owing to the draftiness and general unpleasantness of the unfinished house -- spent the rest of her life trying to wrest control of Eternia from the forces of He-Man. Prior to -- and indeed, after -- assuming the presidency, Jefferson was best known for drafting the Declaration of Independence, that treasured manifesto spelling out the reasons that rich white property-owners decided to throw off the yoke of their rich white property-owning oppressors. Jefferson's fiery language in that august document still resonates today: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. Except, of course, the Negroes.' His slave ownership notwithstanding, Jefferson was an effective president. He cut spending on the Army and Navy, slashed the budget, eliminated an unpopular whiskey tax, and reduced the national debt by a third. He also crushed the "Barbary pirates," who had terrorized American merchant ships in the Mediterranean by stealing their cargoes and forcibly cutting the crews' hair. Jefferson also added vast amounts of territory to the U.S. with the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Wanting to get a feel for the land he had bought, Jefferson ordered an expedition, headed by famed explorers Merriweather Lewis and Clark Kent; this was the first known example of the government-subsidized 'fact-finding trip.' Lewis and Clark believed that in America's untamed interior they would discover woolly mammoths, raging volcanoes, and mountains of pure salt. We now know that these expectations were stupid and wrong, but people were pretty dumb, back there in the early 19th Century. At any rate, it was with great fanfare that the members of Lewis and Clark's Corps of Discovery set out on May 14, 1804, heading west from Illinois. Within weeks, they were all killed by bears. The 'Lewis and Clark Maulings,' as they came to be known, were unpopular with the electorate, and although Jefferson served two terms, he no longer had the zest for politics that had fueled his youthful ambition. After leaving office in 1809, he retired to Monitcello, where he devoted his time to invention, architecture, correspondence with former political rival John Adams, and having sex with slaves. Jefferson died on July 4, 1826, a few hours before Adams."

7

EXISTENTIAL LAMENT: You are furiously pleasuring yourself while watching "Knot's Landing" with the volume muted and listening to Yanni on the stereo, when your wacky neighbor walks in and asks to borrow a cup of sugar. Chagrinned, but hopeful that he has not yet noticed your shame, you direct him to the proper cabinet and continue where you left off. Your neighbor thanks you, gets the sugar, and leaves without further comment. A moment later, however, he pokes his head back through the door, a quizzical expression on his face. "You were masturbating, weren't you?" he says. "Yes. Yes, I was," you admit. "I thought so," he cries triumphantly. At that moment, your spouse walks in and announces that s/he is leaving you for a Sonny Bono impersonator s/he met on a recent trip to Duluth. IN THE LONG RUN, WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM THIS EXPERIENCE?

8

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Who put the "bomp" in the bomp-shoo-bomp-shoo-bomp?

9

ANIMAL CRUELTY: You are a scientist conducting a study on the ability of lower animals to solve simple problems. In your experiment, you fill an eight-by-ten room with tarantulas, then put on work boots and stalk around the room stepping on them while another group of tarantulas watches on a monitor. This group is then supplied with a number of firearms, and you send your assistant in to try to step on them. If they shoot him, they obviously have the capacity to think critically. Taking all this into account, what do you chant as you are stalking around and stepping on the unarmed tarantulas?

10

ANIMAL CRUELTY FOLLOW-UP: If the firearms don't work, do you supply your tarantulas with blow-guns?

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