Identify Your Disorder!

The following examination will identify any personality disorder you may have. Please answer all questions honestly, as the results will be forwarded to your family, friends, and coworkers. Some of the questions may seem "odd" or "random," but do not worry about that. We are mental health experts. We know exactly what the questions mean. If your puny mind could possibly grasp the meaning of these questions, you wouldn't need to take a test like this in the first place.

Get started with these questions...

1

In your junior year at Yale, you are invited to join the prestigious and secretive Skull and Bones club. At the initiation, the club president tells you that in order to prove your loyalty, you will have to murder a hobo. At that moment, a door opens, and two burly Skull and Bones thugs drag in a struggling vagrant. As he is dragged into the light, you realize that he is your long-lost Uncle Ted, whom everyone in the family thought had been killed during a Skull and Bones initiation ceremony in 1986. The irony that he survived only to be killed in a Skull and Bones initiation ceremony 20 years later is not lost on you. Ted looks at you, horrified. Then, slowly, his eyes fill with recognition. "Why, it's little (your name)," he says. "You remember your Uncle Ted! I thought I'd never see you again! Thank God we've found each oth--" And then you plunge the knife into his throat. Why?

2

In your opinion, who would be better in bed: Mary Lou Retton, or Mrs. Butterworth?

3

During a rather raucous evening of clubbing, you accept a drink from a stranger, only to discover, too late, that it was laced with some sort of ruhypnol-like drug. When you regain your senses, you are in a strange motel room, being violently double-teamed by Martin Scorsese and Walter Cronkite. As Cronkite violates you horribly, shouting, "And that's the way it is, bitch!" over and over, you reflect that although he is a piece of living history, there are other news anchors you prefer. Which of the following is your favorite evening news anchor?

4

Which of the following famous men has the facial hair you would most like to emulate?

5

Having little or no money in your purse, and nothing particular to interest you on shore, you have decided to sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way you have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. After some looking, you find an open berth on a pirate ship. However, the captain, a salty fellow indeed, requires all prospective crew members to take a test of courage. "Before ye be joinin' me crew, ye must fight our champion to the death," he says. "Arrr." The gathered pirates cheer, and begin clapping and stamping their feet and/or wooden pegs on the deck. A hatch is opened, and their champion steps onto the deck: Brian Boitano. A pirate close to you hands you his cutlass and says, "Good luck, matey." You slowly circle with Boitano, who is fighting armed only with a dagger and a pink silk scarf. You must kill him to gain a berth on the ship. Indeed, you must kill him if you hope to survive. And yet, the idea of murdering an Olympic gold medalist is abhorrent to you. Which of the following hard determinist or compatabilist philosophers do you think would best appreciate your dilemma?

6

Indicate whether you agree with the following statement: "With Kant the critical philosophy appeared as the opponent of this entire method [of dogmatic philosophy]. It makes its problem just those eternal truths (principle of contradiction, principle of sufficient reason) that serve as the foundation of every such dogmatic structure, investigates their origin, and then finds this to be in man's head. Here they spring from the forms properly belonging to it, which it carries in itself for the purpose of perceiving and apprehending the objective world. Thus here in the brain is the quarry furnishing the material for that proud, dogmatic structure. Now because the critical philosophy, in order to reach this result, had to go beyond the eternal truths, on which all the previous dogmatism was based, so as to make these truths themselves the subject of investigation, it became transcendental philosophy. From this it follows also that the objective world as we know it does not belong to the true being of things-in-themselves, but is its mere phenomenon, conditioned by those very forms that lie a priori in the human intellect (i.e., the brain); hence the world cannot contain anything but phenomena."

7

Which of the following privileges would you be LEAST likely to pay for?

8

With which of the following philosophical camps do you feel most comfortable aligning yourself?

9

You are having sex when the phone rings. Because you ordered a pizza and don't want the driver to get lost, you answer it without breaking your rhythm. Unfortunately, the caller is not the pizza delivery boy, but an unfamiliar, official-sounding person who tells you that your Uncle Ted has been killed in a car accident. How do you respond?

10

Walking through the forest, you come upon a kitten whose leg has been caught in an illegal hunting trap. The poor animal is in great pain, and clearly past helping. What do you do?

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