The Religion Test

There are many religions the world over, but have you ever wondered which one is right for you? Alternatively, are you just screwing around and trying to kill some time? Either way, enjoy.

Get started with these questions...

1

Your God...

Obviously hates me. The feeling is mutual, you hear me?!

Obviously hates all of you, and he's gonna shit your heads off and rip down your necks. Wait...

Wears a suit and tie, except on Fridays.

God is dead. Did I just totally blow your mind, or what?

Is like mellow yellow and wavy gravy.

Is the only God. Consider yourself judged, blasphemer. Seriously, we won't hesitate to get Medieval on your heretic ass

Basically offers a trade-off: Strict discipline in this life, miraculously easy virgins in the next.

2

When it comes to war, your religion says:

Let the blood of the innocent flow in the streets, for its taste is pleasing.

War is a pointless enterprise, a meat-grinder for fools brainwashed by demagogues.

Holy War! No, really. Our poorly motivated, untrained and ill-equipped soldiers have the enemy trapped inside their own tanks.

War merely adds to the suffering of the world, and offends the sight of God.

Is there any way we can profit off this war? Somebody should put together an action plan about that.

Kill 'em all and let God sort it out. Besides, torches are seriously underrated as a modern weapon. Fire in the hole!

Don't start none won't be none, but push me too far and I'll break a moltov open on your face.

3

Pick your poison:

I'm a chain-smoker. Cigarettes are the only vice allowed by my religion, and that's probably because tobacco hadn't been discovered when the laws were set down.

Us good ole' boys like to get plenty drunk and stroke our shotguns.

Soma. I'd bathe in it if I could. I'd also have it legalized if I could.

Overindulgence is the kind of thing that could get noted on your permanent record.

I drink the blood of little children. Seriously. Blood of children.

Bitter black coffee, any time of day or night.

Marijuana. Do I really have to say more?

4

When shit happens, your natural response is:

I must meditate on this shit.

I must take a shit.

I take a hostage.

I call mom a bitch.

God must have sent me this shit because I am guilty and deserve to be punished, so I will suffer it gladly.

Wasn't that Anderson's job?

I complain to everyone within hearing range about how this shit is always happening to me, how it never stops, how I've got cancer...

5

If you could say one thing about the people in your religion, it would be that:

They're proactive, well-motivated go getters.

We're sweet as saccharine, but there's so much evil in the world... better nuke something.

God is on our side, but there's so much evil in the world... better hope we don't get nukes.

There's so much evil in the world, and we are its heralds. Yeah, yeah. We mostly hang out at the arcade.

Spare me your fumbling, bourgeousie attempts to court the middle-class.

It doesn't matter what is said of us, my friend; we are at peace with the world. Okay, use that.

Um, we tried to come up with a single statement. Really. We had, like, five freakin' hours of screaming arguement about it.

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