What kind of looter am I?

Thief of Hearts

Loving really comes into its own when a professional gets their hands on it.

The thief of hearts is not a conventional looter; rather than stereo sound systems, they steal love, stolen kisses under the moonlight, hugs and cuddles, the twinkling smiles of their victims. Also Wonderbread and roofies, because nothing says "I love you" like rape and colon cancer.

Corporate Looter

The corporate looter is the very worst kind. Rather than stealing because they need to or even because they want to, the corporate looter simply does it because they can. They steal from the poor, often sending them to war in order to push up the bottom line of oil corporations while withdrawing funds from the education and health services they badly need. They play guitar with country singers as hurricanes decimate cities in an effort to look good on TV. They have no scruples and behind their smile lies a horrific, murderous intent to profit at any cost.

Random Junk Thief

War! Pestilence! Famine!

"I'll take a can opener, an inflatable Jesus, five tins of Ajax and a plastic flamingo. You never know when this shit will be useful, you know? Particularly the Jesus and the flamingo. It's important to have a portable effigy at your disposal. And if you get bored, you can put Jesus into hilarious sexual situations with the bird. It's all good fun. Leave me alone, alright? I know what I need and I know what I like. I know what Jesus likes too. Jesus likes the birds."

Just Hungry

Some looters, let's face it, are justified. Everything they know is gone. Their food, their families, their worlds. Perhaps a couple of bottles of water, some bread, some tinned goods can be spared. Perhaps zero tolerance to looting isn't such a great idea after all. Perhaps, when it comes down to it, we need to have a little compassion. Humanity. Let people steal if they're going to die without it.

Or are we so fucking greedy that this is unacceptable? You cunt.