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Personality Tests & Web Toys

The following is a listing of timewasters on our site. We hope you enjoy them, and heartily apologise for sucking out your very soul in the process.

Tests
Find out who you really are.

The Glendinning Test
An in-joke gone so far it's almost drilled a hole right through. Two of our illustrious editors live in the same house; which of its inhabitants are you?

The Horrible Affliction Test
You're lovely. We know you're lovely. You know you're lovely. But imagine you were a horrible, noxious affliction. Which one would you be?

The Evil Criminal Test
Grrrrr. Criminals through history. Grrrrr! (Yeah, you've guessed it. You're one of them. But which one? Who can say? The excitement is killing all of us.)

The Colossal Death Robot Test
Imagine you're a giant warlike beast with machine guns for arms, fashioned from metal and looking for destruction. It's an attractive image, isn't it? Find your death robot alter ego here.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Yeah, you're a drunk. We've seen you stumble home late at night from the bars and clubs, your chin soaked in beer and your clothes stinking of cigarettes and other peoples' sweat. But that's okay. We're from Edinburgh. Everyone does that in Edinburgh. All we want to know is: what kind of drunk are you?

The Annoying B-List Celebrity Test
Surely you can tell by the title? You don't need a description, do you? I mean. Really.

How Dumb Are You?
You know you're stupid. Deep down, you fear it. But now - now we provide to means for you to share your ignorance with the rest of the world. Feel the love! Feel the love!

The Peeg Test
He's out daily on this site; you know and love him, we're sure. (Yes, you do.) But he comes in many shapes and sizes - which one are you?

Which Famous Homosexual Are You?
Throughout history, many people have made an incredible difference to our culture and the way we live. Some of them were gay - and it's not necessarily who you'd think. Which one are you?

The Glendinning Test v2.0
We enjoyed it so much, we did it again.

The Genocidal Maniac Test
We know sometimes that people can piss you off. It happens to all of us; we just lose control. Most of us don't find our anger directed at entire groups of people - but you're different. Yeah. You're a genocidal maniac.

Are You Damned?
Are you a holy martyr, kissing the feet of all before you and smiling like a good Christian? Or, are you a cake-loving, blood-lusting greed monster with a penchant for knifing children? Are you, in fact, damned?

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
Yeah, the war's coming. There'll be death, destruction, blood and all the rest of it. Only a handful of people will survive - which are you?

The Historical Lunatic Test
Find out which historical lunatic you are. Someone, doubtless, more interesting than you will ever be.

The Grunty Caveman Test
Hauugghhh grhhhhrg zhjee eeeeeh aaarrrgghh no arrhghghh. Hahahahaha!

The World Extremity Test
Give yourself the illusion of significance in your world of inconsequentiality.

The Office Moron Test
If you're a worker, you hate the people you work with, and you know it. Anger lurks under your skin, ready to burst out at any moment and impale a temp or an advertising executive. And now you can become one of these assholes! Admit it, your life is complete.

The Election Test
On November 2nd, 2004, the United States of America faced its hardest test yet. Could they elect someone who isn't a war criminal, a religious zealot or a corrupt adulterer? Well, as it turns out, no. But that's not the true question, the question everyone was wondering behind the furrowed brows and the parsed lips. The question was: which presidential candidate are we most like? The date might be long gone, but you can still find out here.

Toys
Fun little things. Play. Play.

The Republican Bill Name Generator
Liberal scum are killing America with their compassion and their feminism and their tofu. We need to fight back. How? By turning each and every one of you into a piece of legislation that will fight for liberty in the halls of justice.

What Kind of Looter am I?
Timely and tasteful!

What Kind of Pirate am I?
So you want to be a pirate, eh? The only problem is, piracy isn't something you just decide to go out and do - it's earned. So here's the thing. You've got to let other people vote on what kind of pirate you are. Are you a swashbuckling adventurer - or a pasty-faced computer nerd? Let's see what the world thinks of you.

The Personality Test Generator
You've been waiting for this, we're sure. Now you can create your very own personality test! It's horribly exciting, a vast improvement on some other test generators, and sure to make us millionaires utterly free.

Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™
Now you don't have to use your brain to post to LiveJournal! ... Wait ...

The Name Generator Generator
Frankly, we're fed up of writing name generators for you. Enough! said we, while spitting our coffee across our grimy breakfast table. Let those plebs write their own! And so, dear readers, we created the Name Generator Generator. If you're too lazy to write your own fantastic generator, you can try the exciting submissions created by your contemporaries. How droll!

The Amazing Beer-O-Matic
Frankly, we don't need to dress this one up: it's your weight in beer. Do not actually attempt to drink this, unless you like the idea of beer bursting forth from your belly and enveloping everyone around you. Actually ...

The Crappy Little Elf Name Generator
Yeah, yeah, everyone and his dog is a Lord of the Rings fan these days. Go on, knock yourself out.

The Iraqi Leadership Name Generator
Do you hunger for the notoriety given to the leaders of Iraq's fallen regime? Lust no longer, my friend; you too can join their ranks.

The Goddamn Rock Solid Ghetto Shiznit Name Generator
Because we get enough flak from the mormons, we felt it was time to deflect the abuse and launch our very own ghetto posse. Please be a part of our ghetto posse. We need protection from those crazy Utah folks.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Donation System
With all the talk about Weapons of Mass Destruction going on at the moment, we figured you'd probably like your own. Imagine the oppression and devastation you could cause! Unfortunately, they're generally expensive, which is why we've designed this handy-dandy system.

The Compatibility Test
You have friends; we know you do. You're not a lonely soul who spends their life surfing the Internet and hanging out on juvenile Web sites. But what if you and your friends were to hook up, join at the hips, get it on? How compatible do you think you'd be? We ask the questions that really matter, and provide the answers you crave.

Flag Rate
The flags of the world - are they hot or are they not? You might be surprised whose you like.

Our Commander in Chief
Poor President Bush has a way with words. Be a dear and give him something interesting to say.

The Pub Argument Compass
It's not just cider drinkers vs beer drinkers any more. The pub world is more complicated, and so should you be; see where you fit in.

The Insulting Name Generator
Provide a reason for your friends to bully you today!

The Story Element Database
Anyone can add an idea - anyone can use one in their stories. A database of creative atoms for all to share.

The Mormon Name Generator
If only you could fit into Utah Mormon society, unnoticed, with a Mormon name of your very own ... We have seen your secret yearning, and this is the only answer you'll need.